I remember hearing “You have choices” at the beginning of my journey and thinking that people were referring to whether I should leave my marriage or not. However, I began to see that “You have choices” applied to so much more in my healing journey. Although many of us feel victimized when we first discover our sex addict’s betrayals, identifying our choices as we heal is the opposite of feeling victimized. The truth is, the choices we make as we heal can impact how we make important decisions, such as whether to stay or leave.
The choice to Heal or not Heal
As much as I rant about how important it is for betrayed partners to heal, the reality is that partners get to make that choice for themselves. I’ve seen some people who run for the hills after they learn of their partner’s addiction, choosing to end the relationship and not pursue any type of healing for themselves. The problem with this is they can run from their sex addict, but not the pain the addiction caused. Healing from betrayal trauma may not appeal to some betrayed partners, or they may not be in a place to admit they need healing.
Others may choose to hang in there with the relationship but not make the effort to heal from betrayal trauma for themselves. They tell themselves, “This isn’t my problem; my partner is the one with the addiction.” These partners haven’t allowed themselves to feel the pain, nor do they want to; it’s easier to quickly tell the addict they’re forgiven and carry on as if nothing happened. I obviously don’t agree with these choices, but they are there for betrayed partners to make if they choose.
Then there are those brave souls who choose to take the narrow path of betrayal trauma healing regardless of their situation with the sex addict. I refer to this path as “messy” because it is filled with ups and downs, with no guarantees about the future. However, if betrayed partners want to truly move on with their lives and not exist in constant pain, they choose to explore betrayal trauma healing with hope for better chapters ahead.
Choosing what your healing will look like
Betrayed partners who choose to heal from the pain caused by another person’s sex addiction get to choose what will work for them. There are meetings, therapists, support groups, workshops, books, podcasts, and other resources for partners to choose from for their healing. What works for one may not work for another, so getting curious about what is available for healing is worth the effort.
Exploring a variety of resources on my healing journey allowed me to make adjustments over time. My healing needs changed as my healing increased. I attended three different types of meetings at the beginning of my healing for about four years before recognizing I didn’t need to continue attending all of those meetings anymore. Additionally, I read everything I could get my hands on regarding betrayal trauma, but I slowed down my pace after a while. My healing needs changed as my healing increased. With time, I focused on other aspects of my healing, such as selfcare, resentment, faith, mental/emotional health, and my own character defects.
Making choices regarding Boundaries
Betrayed partners get to choose boundaries with the sex addict that work for them. In my opinion, partners must ask themselves, “What actions will make me feel safe as I heal and give my sex addict time to do the same?” when creating healthy boundaries. The answer to this question will differ for everyone, and so will the desired boundaries. What one needs from a sex addict to feel safe at the beginning of their journey could change over time. The betrayed partner has every right to adjust their boundary choices as they heal or the dynamics of their sex addict’s behavior change.
Whether or not to resume sexual relations
A recovering sex addict is the last person who should be calling the shots when it comes to whether their partner should have sexual relations with him or her, how often, or what acts should take place. Sexual relations with a sex addict should always be a choice for the betrayed partner. Some partners feel like they must continue to engage in sexual relations with the sex addict, whether he or she is sober or not, to “keep their addict sober”. Others are so repulsed by their recovery that sex is the last thing on their mind.
Each betrayed partner has the choice to check in with themselves and decide what works for them. Choosing to have sexual relations with a sex addict or not should be made from a place of how safe you feel in the relationship, boundaries you’ve created, and what you observe of your sex addict’s recovery, not out of fear that the addict will “act out” or pressure from the addict.
My husband and I have had dry spells that lasted longer than I anticipated. There were times when having sex with him didn’t feel authentic to me because I wasn’t totally comfortable with the status of the relationship. The more I learned the value of checking in not only with my emotions/feelings but my intentions, the more I could trust myself to decide as to whether to engage in sex with my husband. I never rejected my husband because of a slip or relapse (he didn’t relapse, but there was one slip), but it’s completely understandable for a betrayed partner to do so. I found myself rejecting him because I valued emotional connection more than the act of sex.
Knowing my husband acted out by having “non-emotional” sex with others left me feeling uncomfortable participating in the same type of sexual engagement. My husband agreed that he no longer wanted to return to “just sex” between us, which we did before I knew he was an addict. My husband recognized “non-emotional” sex wasn’t good for his recovery or our relationship. We both learned there is more to intimacy than sex. Ironically, the quality of our sexual relations has been much better. Not to mention, we now know sex is part of intimacy, not the whole package.
The choice to share your situation with whoever you choose to, if at all.
There is no rule of thumb regarding whom to tell and whom not. This is one of the reasons partners find support groups so helpful, because they can share as much or as little as they wish with a group of people who get it, versus sharing with others who may judge them or not understand sex addiction. Of course, betrayed partners don’t have to share information with anyone and can be selective regarding whom to share their information with, if at all.
I once told my husband that I wouldn’t share our struggles with everyone we knew if he stayed sober or at least committed to the work of sobriety. In time, though, I realized I never intended to “air our dirty laundry” to people we knew. Most people wouldn’t relate; I didn’t need outside empathy to feel validated, and if our marriage survived, exposing those details would only create more harm than healing. Above all, I wanted to protect our children from hearing sensitive information from anyone other than their parents.
Even though I framed my silence as conditional—dependent on his sobriety or participation in a recovery program- I eventually recognized that was a controlling impulse, not a healthy boundary. He did stay sober, but I still would not have shared our private matters. That ultimatum didn’t reflect my values, nor did it support the kind of healing I was working toward.
I chose to tell my immediate family about my husband’s addiction at the beginning and my accountability partner because I desperately needed support. When it was appropriate, I shared what I felt was necessary at support group meetings. Years later, I vaguely shared my situation with two close friends whom I trusted not to gossip with others. Today, few people know the complete details of my husband’s addiction.
The choice to stay or not to stay
Many people I know who are trying to make sense of their relationship choose to do their individual work while also attempting to heal as a couple. The hope, of course, is to reach a place of clarity. Ideally, both partners feel able to participate in the conversation about whether to stay or not, how to move forward, and what the future of the relationship should look like if they choose to stay together. But that ideal scenario isn’t always reality.
The decision to stay or leave is rarely simple. It’s shaped by history, responsibilities, emotions, and practical considerations. Still, when a betrayed partner feels they have the space and time to genuinely consider their own feelings—without pressure— choosing which path to take moving forward can be profoundly empowering.
Sadly, some betrayed partners don’t have the choice to stay or leave because their sex addict is out the door before sex addiction recovery is even considered; the betrayed partner can’t do much about that but heal for themselves, which is important. Some addicts announce they are leaving a relationship to be with someone else without sharing the fact that they happen to be sex addicts. Others leave the relationship because they’ve tried to “white-knuckle” their behavior without seeking recovery or sharing any information with the betrayed partner; for them, it may seem easier to leave and keep their secrets to themselves than to reveal the complete truth and seek recovery. Betrayed partners are left scratching their heads, wondering what happened to their relationship without having all of the necessary information, which is unfortunate.
When betrayed partners don’t believe they have choices, this adds salt to the betrayal trauma wound. What matters is the betrayed partner’s ability to own their power when making healthy decisions for themselves despite the actions of their sex addict. Let me provide some examples:
- I once had someone tell me they struggled with making boundaries with their addict because they knew he wouldn’t honor or respect them. I told this person that part of making boundaries was having a plan if the boundary was broken, which they could follow through on versus making empty threats. They couldn’t make their addict abide by their boundaries, but they could control how they would respond if their boundaries were broken.
- I’ve heard of a couple of people who experienced bad situations with a therapist or couples’ counselor whom they felt was disrespectful because the therapist lacked understanding of betrayal trauma and/or sex addiction, often minimizing what the betrayed partner was experiencing. The partner left the appointments feeling worse than they did before going. Therefore, leaving the betrayed partner to decide whether to continue seeing the therapist, express their concerns to the therapist, or discontinue seeing the therapist.
- I know many people who have struggled with how to handle interactions with their own families or in‑laws during the couple’s crisis. Sometimes family members are not supportive, do not understand the situation, or have even contributed to the addict’s behavior. Whatever the reason, betrayed partners often face difficult choices: avoiding certain relatives altogether, attending holiday gatherings but staying in a hotel, or limiting the amount of time spent with family. None of these decisions are easy, and the betrayed partner can appear harsh or selfish—especially when relatives are unaware of what is actually happening.
Still, when a family member’s actions undermine healing, the betrayed partner does have options. Setting limits around contact, time, and environment can be an important part of protecting both individual wellbeing and the couple’s recovery.
Change the Dance with the sex addict.
Betrayed partners can choose how they wish to interact with the addict; they may want to change the dance. Oftentimes, betrayed partners find themselves reacting instead of responding or completely shutting down, especially at the beginning, which, to some extent, is normal. Regardless of the responses, this behavior isn’t sustainable, and it can be emotionally harmful for the betrayed partner. Changing the dance of how betrayed partners choose to communicate with their sex addicts can make a difference in communication and intimacy if they choose to do so.
Finances
I’m not proud to admit this, but my lack of involvement in finances enabled my husband to use our money to act out without my knowledge. I don’t like numbers, and I trusted him to manage our finances responsibly. Once I learned of my husband’s addiction, I had some choices to make: I could continue to trust him, letting him handle the finances, or get more involved. I’ve gotten more involved slowly over the years.
We can choose to stick our heads in the clouds or become part of the financial planning if we haven’t done so already. You have a right to check the bank account as often as you choose and to make yourself aware of investments. Do you really want to trust your financial future to someone who has proven they can’t be trusted? I also think the addict’s involvement can be limited until they earn your trust if they also betrayed you financially. I don’t believe this is controlling; this is about you and your family’s financial safety. Furthermore, when a partner knows the financial status with their partner, the information may contribute to other decisions moving forward.
Today I continue to be more involved with finances because I know it’s the responsible thing to do, not because I’m married to a recovering sex addict. Being more involved in finances has also opened the door to more discussions about our future goals, which has helped improve our intimacy. I’ll never be a financial expert, but I’ve learned that I am capable of making decisions regarding our finances as a responsible adult. It’s always a good idea to be involved in finances, even if you feel inadequate, as I did. If you don’t feel comfortable with finances, you have choices regarding how you educate yourself to become more comfortable and knowledgeable.
The choice to practice Selfcare and how to go about it.
We talk a lot about selfcare in betrayal trauma healing circles. Selfcare is not pampering; it’s a powerful tool for betrayal trauma healing. We can’t rely on the person who hurt us to care for us in a nurturing and loving manner initially. We must learn how to care for ourselves. The betrayed partner gets to explore what selfcare looks like for them as they discover what is nurturing for them. I’ve seen betrayed partners blossom while healing because they either started practicing selfcare or amped up their efforts. When one practices selfcare, they are engaging in self-love and hopefully feeling more empowered.
The choice to practice Selfcare and how to go about it.
We talk a lot about selfcare in betrayal trauma healing circles. Selfcare is not pampering; it’s a powerful tool for betrayal trauma healing. We can’t rely on the person who hurt us to care for us in a nurturing and loving manner initially. We must learn how to care for ourselves. The betrayed partner gets to explore what selfcare looks like for them as they discover what is nurturing for them. I’ve seen betrayed partners blossom while healing because they either started practicing selfcare or amped up their efforts. When one practices selfcare, they are engaging in self-love and hopefully feeling more empowered.
I practiced self-pampering before learning of my husband’s addiction and dabbled in selfcare. However, I decided to open myself up to other things I might not have tried or considered before. For me, discovering new selfcare practices was enjoyable. I found myself increasing some of the things I already did while adding new things to the mix. Choosing how I practiced selfcare felt incredibly powerful; it is something I continue to practice.
When betrayed partners know they have choices, they feel less victimized. Acknowledging you have choices and actually making them brings a person out of the “victim mindset”. Don’t get me wrong, I felt like a victim at the beginning of my journey, but making choices reminded me I could make good decisions for myself despite the pain I was experiencing. Making good choices for myself was reenergizing and empowering. I wasn’t privy to the poor choices my husband made while he was in active addiction, but once I had the information, I had to make some decisions moving forward, which my healing enabled me to do
There are so many other choices available to betrayed partners while healing from betrayal trauma that I didn’t mention in the blog post, but I wasn’t trying to write a book. It’s so important that betrayed partners realize they do have the power to make good choices for themselves. Even if you are reading this and you are not in a relationship with a sex addict, most of the choices I touched on can be applied to friendships, dating, or other relationships. Regardless of your situation, I hope betrayed partners exercise their power by choosing to take responsibility for their choices. I believe “choice” is a gift of freedom and empowerment – an antidote to victimization.
