Creating boundaries isn’t about being someone’s parent. Boundaries are rooted in safety and self-protection, not control. You are the betrayed adult, seeking a safe environment for yourself and those you love. I didn’t have time or energy to micromanage my husband’s behavior by monitoring and tracking him. He had an accountability partner to report all his details to if he chose.
Boundaries aren’t about punishing someone; they are about protecting yourself. Do not exhaust yourself by punishing your addict for not going to meetings. Don’t punish them for not working the steps, pursuing therapy, or reading material to support recovery. Nor is it your job to lecture your addict; it doesn’t make you feel safe – just controlling. You can express your desire to know how your addict’s progress is coming along. However, you might not get that information.
How I created boundaries:
While setting boundaries, I devised consequences for acting-out behaviors. Consequently, touching someone sexually is unacceptable, regardless of the act. I created a boundary around “touching others.”
I didn’t break down boundaries around the type of porn or length of viewing time. I created a boundary around porn.
Initially, I set at least 15 boundaries. I reduced the list to five when I changed my focus. I shifted from being my husband’s accountability partner to the betrayed partner who deserves safety moving forward. My perception of boundaries changed how I created boundaries and how I viewed them.
I knew slips were relatively standard for recovering sex addicts. Therefore, I included repercussions for them in the boundaries I gave my husband. Still, I clarified that I wouldn’t tolerate consistent slips or relapses. I requested my husband share any slips or relapses with his sponsor. This would occur within 48 hours before sharing that information with me. If slips or relapses occurred without my boundaries being honored, I was ready to take action. I would ask him to leave for a designated amount of time. Fortunately, my husband didn’t break this boundary.
Considerations when trying to ensure you’re prepared to go through the consequences:
One of the hardest aspects of boundaries is not creating them. It is the willingness to follow through with the consequences if your boundaries are broken. You have to be realistic about what you will do if one of your boundaries is broken.
If your boundary is that your partner will have to leave the house if you catch him/her watching porn. Consider what you will do if your addict refuses to leave. You may have to leave instead.
I know someone who requested that her husband not look at other women when they went out. However, the husband kept doing it, so they started going to restaurants in separate cars, allowing her to leave rather than staying stuck watching her husband stare at other women. Who wants to do that? Especially when you’ve made it clear how it makes you feel. Of course, my friend could have chosen not to go out with her husband until he had the behavior under control.
If you threaten to leave with the kids as a consequence for your partner breaking a boundary, do you know where you would go? Trying to figure out where you would go in the heat of the moment is too late and not the best way to go about it. Having an established plan for boundary violations helps you respond more quickly than trying to figure things out on the spot.
Memorize your boundaries like you know your ABCs. You don’t want your boundaries to be something to run and check after you discover your addict has slipped or relapsed, asking yourself, “Now what boundary did I create regarding porn?” The worst thing you can do is not follow through on the consequences you’ve created. Your addict won’t take you seriously and will be less inclined to adhere to your boundaries.
You can adjust boundaries; they’re not one-and-done. If you begin to feel safer in your relationship with the addict, there might not be any need for the same boundaries that you created years ago. Consistently changed behavior reveals whether you should adjust your boundaries. However, in that same vein, if you received a half-truth disclosure only to learn the complete truth years or months later, you may need to adjust some boundaries around the new information you now have. If your safety needs change, you may have to adjust your boundaries.
Creating boundaries is an act of self-care and self-love which can be very empowering. Betrayed partners should not set boundaries out of fear or a desire to control. Take the time to ask yourself, “What do I want out of a relationship? What do I deserve?”, and What is my bottom line?” If you know what your limits are, it helps create boundaries that correlate to them. Sharing your boundaries with the sex addict is a way of saying, “I matter,” “I deserve this,” and “I love myself”.
Here are some affirmations that might guide you when creating or adjusting your boundaries:
My self-respect is strong enough to avoid explosive conversations with my addict.
Self-love motivates me to leave abusive conversations when necessary.
As I do not trust my partner, I choose not to have unprotected sex.
Time spent on healing is more important than snooping in my sex addict’s things or trying to control the sex addict.
Valuing my time, I will not follow my sex addict in an attempt to catch him acting out somewhere.
Honesty matters to me, so I will not lie on my husband’s behalf to shield him from consequences for situations he must take accountability for, regardless of what those consequences are.
Self-respect motivates me to endure the consequences I imposed on my sex addict for violating my boundaries, because those boundaries deserve to be taken seriously. I deserve to be taken seriously.
I deserve to feel safe enough to bring up the addiction or questions I have in a safe environment where honesty and humility are expressed.
My sex addict should respect me enough to let me know when he slips, since I am still in the relationship, giving him/her the benefit of the doubt every day.
To protect my health, I ask my partner to get the necessary tests for STDS, AIDS/HIV, etc., to ensure my health won’t be put at risk if I choose to engage sexually with him/her.
Choosing to get checked protects my sexual health, regardless of my partner’s choice, so I know my status and outcomes.
Self-worth compels me to expect to be spoken to with respect.
My love for myself is enough to prompt the sex addict to respect my commitment to my own healing and the actions I take for myself, whether he/she is doing the same for himself/herself or not.
I deserve to be in a safe, loving relationship where fidelity exists.
Being in a relationship where my partner doesn’t use porn or any other “acting out” behavior to nurture him/herself is what I deserve.
I deserve to be a part of full financial transparency.
I deserve to hear a disclosure if I ask for one.
I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally mature and accountable for their actions.
Consider boundaries for yourself – What are you not willing to do moving forward?
Another way to look at boundaries is to ask yourself, what are you “not willing to do”? Here is my list of what I’m not willing to do that I’ve used for over a decade:
I’m not engage in unhealthy conversations with my husband.
I’m not willing to ride the “several slips and relapses trip” with repeated promises for changed behavior.
I’m not willing to degrade myself by snooping, pleading, or begging.
I’m not willing to be my husband’s accountability partner.
I’m not willing to be in a relationship with my husband if he is “active’ in his addiction.
I will not be in a relationship with my husband if he is not working on his own recovery and respecting my boundaries.
I’m willing to be in a relationship with my husband if he is not willing to be accountable for his own actions.
Despite the newfound empowerment, your addict may not feel as enthusiastic. I’ve heard countless betrayed partners say, “My partner complains my boundaries are too demanding”. Your sex addict may kick and scream or try to convince you of your craziness, but if you’ve done the work of checking your intentions and possibly sharing them with others for input, your sex addict needs to get over it. It is your addict’s behavior that put you in a situation to create boundaries in the first place. So as much as your addict may dislike your boundaries, he/she needs to take accountability for the pain their actions caused and acknowledge this is why boundaries are now in place.
I shared my boundaries with my husband without emotion, and I didn’t present my boundaries like a meek or angry person. There was no need to explain why I chose the boundaries or the consequences to my husband just present my boundaries. My husband knew I put thought into my boundaries.
Boundaries create safety so you can continue to heal and nurture yourself. Like a garden you own, they keep out weeds, bugs, and other harmful elements. You can live the life you want with boundaries in place, whether the addict is in the picture or not. Just as a garden deserves to grow and thrive, so do you.
