Detaching from your sex addict can be challenging, but it is necessary for your healing. Detachment is usually suggested under the assumption that the betrayed partner is codependent or lacks a sense of their own identity. However, it is vital that betrayed partners put energy into their own healing rather than putting all their energy into controlling their sex addict’s recovery, whether they are codependent or not. I wasn’t enmeshed with my husband before learning of his addiction, but I struggled to detach from his recovery process.
I found myself in quite a quandary about detachment. On one hand, I told myself I didn’t want to be in the thick of my husband’s recovery efforts. After all, I had a ton of pain to heal from on my own, but on the other hand, I knew if he didn’t maintain substantial sobriety, I would have to leave the marriage. I wanted my husband to work like a dog in his recovery so we would never have to deal with sex addiction again. Yet, I questioned if my husband could do the work.
I found myself struggling with the following:
- I wanted to buy books that would help my husband or provide a list of books that I wanted him to order immediately. (I bought one book for my husband, but I told him I would never do that again, which I didn’t. Nor did I ask my husband if he read the book.)
- I wanted to know what my husband would tell the kids when the time came to reveal the truth.
- I wanted to know how often my husband met with his sponsor.
- I wanted my husband to put his therapy appointments on our calendar so I would know he was going.
- I wanted to know if my husband was sharing his entire story with his sponsor and therapist.
- I wanted to know whether my husband was connecting with others in his recovery program.
Thankfully, I didn’t make these requests; I chose to detach instead. It didn’t take me long to realize I didn’t have the energy to manage two healing processes, nor did I want the responsibility.
I once heard someone describing two kinds of detachment as it relates to relationships with recovering sex addicts. There is detachment where the betrayed partner sees the addict kneeling on the floor in a bucket of mess he/she created in the walkway where the partner is trying to pass. The partner decides not to help their sex addict out of the mess, but steps on the addict’s back as they walk by. The other detachment is the partner steps over the sex addict while walking by to their destination. Both are examples of the betrayed partner detaching by not stopping to help the addict out of the mess, but the first example is of a partner detaching while causing harm. The point is that betrayed partners can detach without being evil or mean. After all, why should the betrayed partner lose “serenity” in the process of detaching?
I understand detaching is easier said than done. You may have been raised to believe a healthy, loving relationship meant you had to be enmeshed with your partner. You may have believed your partner’s wishes and desires took priority over your own. However, your partner had no problem detaching to engage in his/her “acting out” behavior, despite the potential pain it could cause you or others. Ironically, your partner was selfishly taking advantage of your selflessness in the relationship. Now it’s time for you to pick up the detachment tool, not out of spite, but out of a desire to heal well.
Other concerns, such as fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or childhood trauma, could also be factors that make detaching from the sex addict challenging. If these concerns resonate with you, please consider working with an accountability partner or therapist to help you explore them further. There is no benefit in attaching to your addict as if your life depends on it while he/she is trying to achieve sobriety. There is more benefit to clinging to your own betrayal trauma healing.
You may want to give your addict the benefit of the doubt, but how can you do that if you don’t know everything he/she is doing to recover from sex addiction? The idea of not knowing whether your partner is doing what he/she is supposed to be doing as they strive to recover from sex addiction can be downright frightening. Fortunately, I relied heavily on my faith, praying for God to keep my husband on the right path to sobriety. Additionally, I talked to others further along in their healing, an accountability partner, and a therapist to help me keep my mouth shut and focus on myself.
The hard truth is we can’t be joined at the hip to the sex addict as he/she goes to recovery meetings, workshops, reads materials, sees a therapist, deals with temptation, or engages in other healing activities. We can’t control the sex addict’s recovery actions. The addict can take responsibility for their own recovery.
Detachment can mean different things to different people. For me, it meant loving my husband but not his addictive behavior. Detaching meant not enabling my husband’s recovery and not taking on the responsibility for his recovery process. At the end of the day, detachment for me means “not bailing my husband out in any shape or form for the consequences of sex addiction.”
We don’t have to join the “crazy” boxing ring of our sex addict’s recovery. My husband needed time to work on his recovery, heal from his own trauma, allow his brain to realign, and establish some sobriety all by himself. I had to detach from my husband’s recovery, giving him the dignity to work his program as a man, not a child who needed me to hover over him.
I realized I needed to put what little energy I had into my own healing, releasing the outcome of my husband’s recovery efforts. I couldn’t have one foot in my husband’s sickness while using the other to heal from the betrayal trauma he caused. Not only would this have kept me exhausted, but it would have delayed my healing journey. My husband had my boundaries, and I knew what efforts he was making in his recovery. I didn’t need to harass my husband about his recovery process. Furthermore, we had opportunities to discuss both of our healing processes through marriage counseling.
The stronger I became in my healing, the less I feared the outcome of divorce and the potential impact it could have on my children. Divorce or not, I knew my children, and I would be okay. Yes, I wanted to allow my husband to recover from sex addiction, but I also knew if he couldn’t achieve and maintain sobriety, there was no doubt I would leave the marriage. Continuing to live with a sex addict in active addiction was unacceptable. I started to trust God more with the outcome, while becoming even more committed to my own healing. I needed my healing regardless of what happened in my marriage.
My husband and I were able to stay attached regarding other issues, such as the house, finances, children, etc., but my husband’s recovery wasn’t a daily topic of conversation. I could talk to him respectfully, go to church with him, go to dinner with him, and interact as a family without raging, shaming, or losing control (most of the time). My husband’s recovery became less of a concern and more of an expectation over time. Did I believe my husband’s sobriety could solve most of our marital issues – yes, but I lived in the reality that there were no guarantees.
Detachment didn’t mean we didn’t discuss the addiction. I learned it was my responsibility to express anything that didn’t feel right to me in the marriage, or if I was experiencing a trigger I couldn’t shake with my husband. This action was usually more for my benefit in trying to understand myself, my husband, or the addiction. I could no longer ignore my feelings or live under a cloud of anxiety-causing suspicion.
I want to be clear, I’m not saying you don’t have a right to know whether your addict is making progress or consistently working on his/her recovery. I’m saying it’s not your place to manage your partner’s recovery. You have a right to know whether your sex addict is maintaining sobriety, taking your boundaries seriously, and making efforts to earn your trust. It is your partner’s responsibility to keep you abreast of his/her progress, whether it’s through scheduled couple check-ins, couples counseling, or honest conversation between the two of you.
The following is a list of “unhealthy enabling” behaviors by the partner and the addict that delay the addict from taking responsibility for his/her recovery:
- Discovering porn on the home computer and choosing not to say anything to your sex addict.
- Defending your partner to another person who accuses him/her of inappropriate behavior (taking an inappropriate picture of them, stalking them, or propositioning them), and you know the person is telling the truth.
- Taking your partner to every support group meeting because he/she doesn’t feel comfortable going unless you ride with him/her.
- Paying your partner’s credit card bill for “acting out” behavior.
- Listening to your partner share every time he/she is tempted to act out because they don’t think they are sick enough to need an accountability partner. (This should be done with an accountability partner.)
- Other family members discover porn on the family computer, which you know your partner is responsible for, but you blame it on someone else to save your partner from being embarrassed.
- Your partner is willing to secure an accountability partner but asks you to find one for him/ her.
- Your partner is willing to go to a treatment center but insists you create a list of places he/she can call.
- Your partner agrees to be admitted to a treatment center,but begs you to ask your parents for the money, with a willingness to lie about why you are making the request.
- Your partner calls you at 2 A.M. to ask you to bail him/her out of jail for solicitation of a prostitute, and your toddlers are sleeping in their bedrooms. Your partner tells you, “Come to the jail quickly; it won’t take long, you don’t even need to disturb the kids, we’ll be back before they wake up.”
- You tell your children never to go into the guest room after 8 p.m. without an explanation, but you know your partner watches porn at night in that room.
- Your spouse used his/her employer’s credit card to pay for “acting out” behavior while he/she was out of town for work. Now, the boss is inquiring about the charge. Your addict wants you to agree to go along with a lie he/she created to get out of the situation.
- Your spouse admits he/she got caught up in a phone sex scam, and now he/she is being blackmailed for thousands of dollars. Your spouse wants to use the money your parents have been saving for years towards your son’s college tuition.
- Your partner asks you to perform sexual acts you aren’t comfortable with and explains that this will keep him/her from acting out with others.
This is a list of controlling behaviors I believe are the direct opposite of detachment that harm healing for both you and the sex addict:
- Writing the dates of your partner’s support group meetings on his/her calendar with reminders.
- Purchasing the books you feel your partner should read. (It’s okay to share the name of a book you heard good things about, but it’s not your responsibility to make the purchase.)
- Making therapy appointments for your addict.
- Taking your partner to every support group meeting because you don’t believe he/she would attend otherwise.
- Demanding the partner share every time he/her is tempted to act out because you believe you can stop the behavior before it begins.
- After numerous slips and relapses, you decide that a stay at a treatment center is the only answer to your partner maintaining sobriety. You take it upon yourself to create a spreadsheet with detailed information and highlight the centers you would like your partner to consider attending.
- You start asking betrayed partners from your support group who are further along than you in their healing if their recovering sex addicts would be willing to be your partner’s accountability partner to ensure your sex addict has one.
As you can see, some of these behaviors can be considered both “enabling” and “controlling” based on the context.
Detachment is a loving gift of selfcare you can give yourself. I spent so much time trying to figure out what was off in my marriage and why I wasn’t enough for my husband, only to learn I had nothing to do with my husband’s behavior. When the truth finally came out, it was freeing to focus on my healing instead of ways to improve emotional and sexual intimacy in the marriage, as if it was my fault or I could fix our issues.
There is so much negativity around the word “detachment,” but I hope I’ve shed some light on how wonderful “detachment” can be for you, even your partner. For many of us, we find we’ve detached from ourselves; we no longer know what we like, what makes us happy, what we want out of life, or relationships. When betrayed partners take their healing seriously, they tend to rediscover themselves, becoming clearer regarding what they want for themselves in all aspects of their life and how they want to show up for themselves and others.
Here are some benefits of detachment for YOU:
- You can focus on your own healing.
- You can focus on your mental health.
- You can be more “present” in your job, volunteer work, parenting, social interactions, faith, or other aspects of your life.
- You will have more time to focus on your self-care.
- Practicing detachment makes ending enabling behavior easier.
- Practicing detachment is a form of self-empowerment.
- Helps squash the urge to control the sex addict.
Furthermore, detachment helps the sex addict experience consequences for his/her poor choices and take accountability for them.
I believe with time, you will find yourself so knee-deep in your own healing, detaching from your partner’s addiction won’t be an intentional effort; it will become a way of life for you, which is the beauty of healing from betrayal trauma.
