Welcome to 2023: 

What I hope for each of you this year!

Welcome to 2023!  How have your first two weeks been thus far?  Whether or not you want it, time keeps moving, and we are in another year.  Some of us are embracing 2023 and kissing 2022 goodbye with anticipation for a better year ahead.  For others, acknowledging a new year may leave us still wrestling with the same issues and challenges of 2022.  If we are being honest, we are probably somewhere between both camps.  So, regardless of where you may be today, I want to share my hopes for you this new year.

For those beginning or new in your Healing Journey

I want you to know there is Hope and better chapters to come.  I was in my third month of healing when I welcomed 2013.    My pain was still raw, and I couldn’t envision the future because there were too many “what ifs” looming in the air.  Nevertheless, I went into the new year sure of two things: (1) I had to heal from the pain, and (2) I couldn’t do it alone.  I needed the willingness to heal amid an uncertain future.

I hope you can embrace 2023 with a sense of better days ahead.  Yes, your healing will require work, but you can do it.  Please notice I said “you,” not your partner.    You can pray for your partner, affirm and listen to your partner, but they have their work ahead of them to do as well.  Your job is to strap your seatbelt on for a bumpy ride, wipe your tears, release your anger, and pursue healing.  You don’t have to do this alone; hopefully, you believe in a higher power and have other support you can lean on; if not, consider seeking resources to help you on your journey.  (Check out my previous blog entry regarding Support groups)

If you’ve already begun your journey but are new to the process, let me encourage you to continue the work.  There is a better chapter around the corner, whether or not the addict is still in your life.  So let 2023 be the year you continue what you previously started in 2022 with renewed energy to keep going.  I hope you will continue or begin your journey, anticipating the benefits that will make your life more serene.

For those of you in the trenches

You’re doing the healing equation of going to groups, reading books, seeing a therapist, and maybe going to couples therapy, but there is still a part of you that feels like, I don’t know about this, I feel better than I did before, but things could be moving quicker.  I appreciate the progress, but there are days I feel weary.  I don’t want to feel like this forever; when will I reach the finish line?  Being in the trenches can be frustrating because it can feel like there is little consistency, like taking a few steps forward only to take one step backward.  I can remember doing well for a few months only to find myself triggered by something reminding me of my husband’s betrayals.  One can’t help asking themselves, “Is this the best it will ever be?” You feel better but unsettled.  Please remember you are healing from betrayal trauma – not a little “oops”; this takes time.  

I always felt so disappointed when I found myself resorting to old unhealthy coping skills or character defects which I was trying hard to eliminate.  For example, I reacted instead of responding in difficult conversations and fed a critical spirit toward others.  Sometimes I felt stressed or overwhelmed, only to realize I wasn’t relying on God.  Instead, my self-reliance was running the show. 

You could be in the trenches for a while, so let me encourage you to evaluate your progress and make necessary adjustments.  What will it take to get where you want to be?  Can you “act as if” you believe your desires will become a reality with a faith that God is in control even if you don’t feel it?  Are you satisfied with your healing thus far?  Prayerfully consider these questions as you trudge forward.  Finally, I hope you continue your journey with patience, knowing with significant discomfort comes long-lasting benefits.

If you are working on a 12-step program, perhaps you need to work on the steps more aggressively or repeat a step (which I had to do before moving on to other steps).  Consider reading materials that specifically address the challenges you may be experiencing.  Also, never underestimate the power of connecting with someone in your support circles.  I hope you continue to live with the awareness of lingering challenges and seek healthy solutions to address them, knowing things will improve with time.  

I evaluate where I need to make adjustments to my healing process yearly.  I often need to journal, meditate, review a step or pray more.  There is always something I can do to enhance my journey.  As they say, Progress, Not Perfection!

Maybe you need to pause and give yourself a “high-five” or lighten up.  If you know that you are doing much better than a year or years ago, take time to acknowledge your growth.  Maybe even consider writing down your improvements so you can regularly reflect on them.  There was a time when I realized I needed to have more fun—there needed to be more to my life than healing from betrayal trauma.  Yes, I acknowledged my improvements, but life wasn’t enjoyable.  Life felt like work!  I had to do things that put a smile on my face, such as hanging out with friends (not in my healing circles), going to the movies, scrapbooking, attending Zumba/Hip Hop classes, and reading non-addiction books.  The good news was I didn’t have to give up fun for healing; I could experience both.

For those who are coming out of the trenches

You can see the light much clearer now and feel more comfortable with yourself.  Confidence in your ability to move forward regardless of what is going on in your environment exists now.   If you are still in a relationship with the sex addict, you feel secure with your boundaries and your ability to make healthy choices if your partner breaks your boundaries.  If you are not with the addict, you may be grieving the loss, but you recognize your relationship status doesn’t define your value.  

You still use healing tools such as seeing a therapist, journaling, communicating with others on the same journey, or doing whatever it takes to stay on your healing journey.  These tools help you continue functioning better than before.  I hope you will continue to trust the process as you see signs of your growth and healing.

For those who are out of the trenches

I’ve always said one doesn’t ever graduate from the healing journey because it’s a lifestyle that can only improve the longer you stick with it.  I came to my healing process because of my husband’s betrayals, but I have gained so much more than I ever expected, and I don’t want to lose the gifts from my efforts.  I’m a better mother, Christian, friend, wife, daughter, employee, volunteer, neighbor, and person because of the work I put into my healing journey.  Today, this journey doesn’t feel like work anymore.  I view adjusting a boundary, attending a support group meeting, comforting another betrayal trauma fellow, reading betrayal trauma healing books, sitting in nature, journaling, or using other healing tools are my acts of self-love.  I hope you will continue to enjoy the benefits of your hard work and perhaps even share with those new to the process.

Regardless of where you are on your healing journey, I hope you will embrace Hope for your healing process with a sense of anticipation for good things in the future and gratitude for how far you’ve come.  Of course, we aren’t naive; we know there will be challenges, whether from the addict or life itself.  However, we can enter each day knowing we have resources if we need them, a belief in something greater than ourselves, and Hope which will carry us through 2023 and years to come. 

Affirmations to start the New Year off with Hope

You may want to read these out loud in front of a mirror.  Recording yourself reading these on your phone is another option.  I suggest saying these to yourself for 30 days straight.  Then, of course, you can adjust these to fit better where you are on your journey.  I would love to hear from you after doing this for thirty days via email or on the Betrayed Not Broken Facebook page.

I look forward to receiving all the goodness that will come to me in 2023.

I matter.

My healing journey requires work, but I am worth the effort.

I am beautiful.

I deserve respect, honesty, and faithfulness in my relationship.

I can do this.

I expect my boundaries to be respected and honored, but I am prepared to make choices that honor me if this does not happen.

I am a betrayal trauma survivor striving to thrive daily.

My happiness isn’t dependent on the choices of others.

I am enough.

I will be okay regardless of what happens.

I am loveable.

I look forward to experiencing all the gifts from my hard work.

I am capable.

I am making progress on my healing journey.  

I am strong.

I can be easy and gentle with myself.

I can ask for what I need.

I am growing and becoming stronger each day.