I’ve witnessed many women come to support groups with one burning question, “What will it take to fix him so our life can get back to normal?” Don’t we wish it was that simple? Sadly, it’s not; there is no formula for your sex addict’s speedy recovery. The more appropriate burning question of “What do I need to do to heal from the pain?” would make more sense. Several resources can support your addict’s recovery, but none of them work unless the addict takes the initiative to utilize them in his recovery. A magic formula isn’t an option.
I’ve spoken to many partners who say their addict experienced slips and relapses before getting sober, which is why it’s so essential for the partner to focus on their own healing. When you focus on yourself, you don’t feel like you’re running in a place waiting for someone to get well. The partner of the sex addict needs the addict to heal because if the behavior continues, the partner may have to make a decision about the relationship, which can be scary as hell. After all, who wants to end a relationship one has invested time and effort into over months, years, or even decades? Who wants to split a family up? However, most of us don’t want to live with unacceptable behavior from our sex addict, either.
The good news is we don’t have to exhaust ourselves playing mommy to our addict’ by demanding he work a program. We can give our addict the dignity to be adult enough to work his program. We can make suggestions or share resources with the addict, trusting he will do what’s necessary to heal well while we release the outcome. Whether we stay in the relationship or not, we have to exist in the world, and we want to do it as the healthiest version of ourselves, which means focusing on our own healing takes priority over our addict’s recovery.
We can’t rely on a magic formula to fix our partner or force the magic to happen. I once heard a woman excitedly express her strong belief in the effectiveness of Sex Addicts Anonymous. She kept repeatedly telling me, “It works,” as if I was supposed to grab my husband and rush him to a meeting like one rushes to the ER in an emergency. The thing is, SA and so many other options work if the addict seriously commits to his healing without having his partner drag him anywhere. I knew my husband was on the right track when he told me, “I am doing this for my healing, I want the marriage to work, but I have to do this regardless of whether we stay together or not.”
My husband managed his recovery differently than I would have if I were a sex addict, which was sometimes hard to watch. I had to release control and let him manage his own journey. It took him a while to get a good therapist. He continues to work the SA steps slowly, and he isn’t one to seek out additional workshops or retreats. He hasn’t worked his program with the same vigor I’ve worked with my healing, but he has been consistent and committed to his recovery. Furthermore, as long as he’s sober, his process of how he stays that way isn’t mine to control or manage.
I want to make it clear I’m not saying turn a blind eye to your partner’s recovery. My husband knows I expect him to work on his program. He goes to a group, works on his SA steps, and connects with a sponsor. If my husband came home one day proclaiming he was done with all of the recovery efforts, I would be done with him. My husband is a recovering sex addict with several years of sobriety, which we both appreciate. Still, part of that is due to his long-term commitment to recovery, not a magic formula. The reality is he could slip or relapse at any time. Thankfully, my husband recognizes he needs to live a recovery lifestyle to stay sober and show up as a better husband, friend, employee, parent, co-worker, Christian, etc.
So, as lovely as a formula sounds, it’s incredibly unrealistic. There are sex addicts who’ve gone to retreat centers, meetings, couple meetings, therapists, and workshops who still struggle to maintain sobriety. I’ve often asked myself why some use these tools and successfully maintain sobriety, and some don’t. I’m not a sex addiction expert, but after many years of discussions with partners of sex addicts and therapists, as well as reading a ton of material on the topic, I’ve come up with an explanation:
- It’s an addiction, so the compulsion to act out is powerful, which one can’t wish away. If the addict doesn’t recognize and acknowledge his addiction, he will go about his healing half-heartedly believing “he’s not the bad.” Even while attending meetings, workshops, therapy, etc.
- The intention to take the resources seriously must be there if not, he’s minimizing the impact of his poor choices.
- The addict isn’t humble enough to fully commit to his recovery, so he goes through the motions believing this stuff really isn’t for him.
- Recovery isn’t a commitment. It’s an obligation to keep the partner quiet.
- The current efforts the addict is making aren’t enough.
In my opinion, if the sex addict doesn’t seek healing, as if his life depended on it, the addiction will continue, escalate, or both. The partner doesn’t get to control the outcome, but the partner does get to decide what to do if there is no observable improvement in the addict’s behavior.
I also recognize some sex addicts are battling other addictions or mental health issues, which can make sex addiction recovery challenging. After all, most folks can only handle one addiction at a time. However, there is nothing wrong with the partner suggesting the addict work on the addiction that is most damaging to her. In my opinion, this isn’t selfish because you are not supposed to hang on bleeding in pain while the addict continues with behavior that is hurtful to you. I don’t know anyone who is in a relationship with a recovering sex addict who battles mental health issues or other addictions who tells their addict, “You can keep bingeing on porn or acting out at strip clubs. I know you’ve been depressed, and you are trying to quit gambling, so I’ll just wait till you’ve recovered from your gambling addiction first before you work on achieving sobriety from your sex addiction.” The key is knowing when the challenges are being used as an excuse for lackluster efforts to heal from sex addiction or if the addict is sincerely trying to recover.
I think some addicts just go through the motions because they think that’s what they are supposed to do. The partner has discovered the unacceptable behavior, which the addict can’t deny, so he might as well do whatever his partner suggests or demands, but the desire to heal is lacking. You see, he too may believe there is a magic formula called “showing up,” but that’s not enough. Sadly, the addict hasn’t acknowledged to you or himself how his behavior hurt you and the relationship. He doesn’t really see a need to live life differently. Maybe he doesn’t recognize he’s an addict; he just got caught.
For those of us who have been fortunate to see the efforts of our committed sex addict lead to significant sobriety. We understand our addict won’t wake up overnight changed. We know it’s one day at a time, and we know our addict will always have temptation around him because of the world we live in, but we know he’s doing what he needs to do to stay sober, not letting the temptation become a betrayal. We have a right to expect sobriety and changed behavior from our addict. In my opinion, the closest thing to magic is the recovering sex addict who is working his recovery program with honesty, humility, and dedication.
So, while you work on your own healing, you can observe your partner’s efforts and decide if his efforts are sincere. Know his healing will take a while, just like yours, and there will be ups and downs, but you get to decide what you will tolerate. I would call the addict’s recovery journey “deliberate efforts made to recover from healing derived from recognition of how one’s own behavior has hurt himself and those who love him most.” There are no magic formulas, but a humble sex addict who recognizes the need to do whatever it takes to heal is usually a good starting place for successful sex addiction recovery.
NOTE: I refer to the sex addict as a male and the partner as a female for simplicity only. Sex addicts can often be females as well.
