The faith community can be the foundation for one’s healing from sex addiction or betrayal trauma, leading them to seek counsel from their pastors, preachers, clergy, cardinals, priestesses, bishop, rabbis, reverends, elders, deacons, or ministers for guidance. Unfortunately, some faith leaders can leave those in need frustrated, confused, and misunderstood. In my opinion, it’s because some faith leaders are usually not equipped with adequate training to counsel sex addicts or their partners trying to heal from betrayal trauma.
Just because spiritual leaders may counsel couples who are struggling in their marriage doesn’t mean this qualifies them to counsel partners of sex addicts or couples trying to heal from the impact of sex addiction. This addiction is a different beast from other relationship issues. Understanding the complexity of sex addiction usually requires one to have personally experienced the harm of sex addiction or adequate education. The amount of time a faith leader has been in their profession, faith education, love for God, and love one’s congregation does not ensure a faith leader’s ability to counsel others impacted by sex addiction.
Medical doctors don’t heal all kinds of illnesses just because they have a medical degree. Doctors consult with their colleagues to refer patients to doctors skilled in certain areas. You wouldn’t seek a dentist if you were diagnosed with cancer just because he had a medical degree. Most faith leaders acquire some type of education or training before leading a congregation, so shouldn’t one have that same expectation of someone who chooses to counsel others regarding the impact of sex addiction on their lives?
Here are actual examples of faith leaders and congregation members getting it wrong:
- I remember my friend tried to approach churches to see if she could facilitate a Christian-based support group for partners of sex addicts. Most churches she approached told her they already had a women’s ministry or didn’t need the type of support group she was interested in facilitating. A women’s ministry is a beautiful offering. Still, if someone is healing from betrayal trauma, they need something more targeted to address what they are experiencing, which a spiritual leader should know. The irony is a woman experiencing betrayal trauma may participate in women’s ministry. Still, she most likely will not be announcing her situation to everyone out of fear that others can’t relate, embarrassment, shame, or the amount of unsolicited advice she may receive. How can a spiritual leader speak to whether or not congregation members need this type of support unless they know the private lives of every congregation member? Of course, the churches had a right to refuse my friend’s offer, but I took issue with their reasons.
- I know another woman who asked a Director of Women’s’ ministry if it would be acceptable in God’s eyes to leave her husband because of his porn addiction. The leader told her, “No.” Now, whether a person chooses to leave because of her partner’s porn addiction is a very personal decision, one I assume most partners don’t take lightly. For a ministry leader to give a direct “no” without much explanation shows a lack of understanding as to what porn does to the brain or how it can lead to others acting out behavior. The woman asking the question needed to know choosing not to subject herself to her husband continually choosing to self-soothe with something damaging to the marriage and her self-esteem was not acceptable to God. The woman needed to know she had options, such as requesting her husband seek recovery or establishing boundaries if she chose to stay. She also had the option to leave the relationship if she decided to do so, but a “no” didn’t reinforce any of these options.
- I’ve listened to pastors on the radio suggest retreats for both the sex addict and the partner to attend, which is fine, but this suggestion is often given as if the retreats will be the answer to everything. Retreats can be a significant part of the healing equation, but it takes much more than that. Faith leaders recommending retreats to couples as if they are magic solutions instead of a part of the healing equation is misleading. Healing is never that simple, whether the retreat is faith-based or secular.
- I know a woman who was told to forgive her husband by her pastor immediately after seeing a video of her spouse acting out with someone else. There is a time for that, but when a partner is in shock, experiencing PTSD or other aspects of betrayal trauma, that is not the first thing that should come out of a spiritual leader’s mouth; compassion and empathy for the betrayed partner would be much more helpful at the beginning. Not to mention encouragement to seek healing.
- There is a pastor in a city with a large congregation who regularly preaches that the bible states couples need to have sex every 48 hours to have a healthy marriage. The pastor’s statement is not biblically supported. Although sex every 48 hours may sound lovely to some, it’s not appealing to those healing from betrayal trauma. This comment can make a partner feel as if it’s their fault their spouse is a sex addict, which isn’t fair. I know partners who have left this church because of the pastor’s insistence on preaching his belief despite the many people who have brought this to his attention. Yet, he still refuses to stop preaching this message.
- Some spiritual leaders will mention every addiction under the sun in sermons at least once but never touch on sex addiction as if no one in the church has struggled with the issue, which is unrealistic regardless of the size of the church.
Some faith leaders use spiritual texts of their faith to suggest to the wife she needs to be more willing to please her husband sexually. This is particularly harmful because it blames the partner, leaving the sex addict unaccountable for his actions.
The spiritual leader tells the sex addicts they need to ask God to take the sin out of them, and everything will be okay. That’s well and good, but the sex addict still has work to do, and he needs to be accountable to someone if he hopes to regain his wife’s trust. Telling your wife life will be wonderful now because pastor Bob prayed with him, and he’s instantly cured, which usually won’t do the trick for most wives.
Sometimes, the faith leader’s issues around sexual integrity can get in the way of providing effective counseling to others. My dear friend was very close with her pastor, only to find out he cheated on his wife. When the trustees told him he could stay as long as he confessed it to the church congregation, which could have been a teaching moment for the whole congregation, he chose to move to a different part of the country. Here, he was a pastor – counseling others, but when the threat of the congregation knowing about his sin loomed, he chose to flee versus coming clean to the congregation. What does this say about his character? Would you want him to counsel you?
For some, the experiences I’ve mentioned have caused sex addicts and their partners to question their beliefs, leave their faith community, or seek other forms of spiritual support they wouldn’t have considered previously.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe spiritual leaders can be excellent resources in the healing process. If a partner of a sex addict or a couple is fortunate enough to work with spiritual leadership skilled in working with sex addicts and their partners or knowledgeable enough to refer resources to congregation members, they are truly blessed.
I don’t think every spiritual leader should be skilled in sex addiction, and I recognize it’s not a requirement to become a leader of a congregation. However, additional training would be beneficial if a spiritual leader chooses to counsel those dealing with this issue. Non-equipped leaders would serve their congregation better by acknowledging that they don’t have the expertise to help a congregation member in this area and refer them to someone better equipped to assist them on the healing journey.
I love my pastor and church but haven’t shared my struggle with him or the congregation, some of whom I consider friends. I may share my story with my pastor or the congregation in the future, but I don’t feel led to do that yet. However, that’s not to say my pastor hasn’t been helpful in my healing because he has—many sermons my pastor preached, bible verses highlighted in sermons, and songs I sang benefited me. My pastor also mentions sex addiction in sermons when he talks about addiction, which makes me feel good to know he recognizes that sex addiction exists and shouldn’t be treated as a “taboo” subject.
Even if a spiritual leader isn’t equipped to counsel sex addicts, partners of sex addicts, or couples, there are still ways leaders can assist in one’s healing journey:
- Pray with the couple, sex addict, or partner of a sex addict.
- Direct those in need to faith-based support groups.
- Recognize sex addiction along with other addictions when talking about addictions to their congregation.
- Stay informed regarding faith-based and secular resources that are available for sex addicts and their partners.
- Don’t shame the person with an addiction or the couple when they seek help. Shaming only makes things worse, especially for the sex addict.
- Consider allowing the place of worship to be a support group meeting location if it can be done discreetly under the guidance of a knowledgeable facilitator.
- Direct those in need to faith-centered text, which can be helpful.
- List resources in a bulletin, on the webpage, or wherever congregation information is listed.
- Do not counsel sex addicts or partners of sex addicts. They are struggling with sexual integrity; the congregation deserves better.
- Take advantage of workshops, seminars, or other opportunities to educate themselves about the issue and its harms. This will give them a deeper understanding of the issue and a greater capacity for empathy.
Please hear me when I talk about faith leadership and the community as it relates to sex addiction; I’m not talking about having a relationship with God. My love for God has only improved and grown more profound. I never questioned God’s role in my healing. I wouldn’t be where I am today without my faith, but I didn’t turn to my pastor or congregation members for counsel. I turned to God for healing and trusted his guidance regarding where to go for betrayal trauma healing.
I’ve watched many people who didn’t have a faith belief develop one on their healing journey because they could see God’s hand in their healing, and they recognized their need for God on their healing journey. Whether you turn to your faith leader or community for healing is your decision. If you choose to turn to your faith leadership, honor your journey by familiarizing yourself with your faith leader’s capacity to help you realistically. It also doesn’t hurt to do research regarding faith leaders who are good at counseling partners of sex addicts. It’s common to hear of partners seeking help from their faith leaders and other resources.
I benefitted from faith-based and secular resources, for which I am truly grateful. You can have a relationship with God and practice your faith and its principles while choosing to seek counsel from someone experienced in sex addiction and betrayal trauma who may not be affiliated with your place of worship. It doesn’t make you a “bad” or “less spiritual” member of your congregation or say anything about your relationship with God. I was on my knees plenty while using all my resources for healing, both faith-centered and secular. I continue to stay on my knees.
