I will never stop saying healing from betrayal trauma is challenging and requires much work for the betrayed partner to heal well. It has been one of the most difficult challenges in my life, which is one of the reasons I write this blog because PARTNERS NEED TO BE AFFIRMED WHILE HEALING ON THEIR JOURNEY. Something is comforting in knowing others are experiencing the same up and downs you are. It’s even more satisfying to know other people have made it calmer, happier, and healthier on the other side. They will tell you one crucial key to healing well on this journey is knowing when to take it easy on yourself.
I am all about healing from betrayal trauma regardless of the relationship with the addict to be the best version of yourself. Yet this isn’t a sprint; we can take pauses along the way and not beat ourselves up. My therapist used to share her fascination with the number of clients she worked with who carried the weight of blame for their sex addict’s behavior as if they caused it. Some partners blame themselves for their partners’ behavior because they may believe the following:
• I am not sexy enough.
• I am not attractive enough.
• I am not slim enough.
• I am not adventurous in bed.
• I am not energetic enough.
• I am too uptight; maybe I should have watched porn with my partner.
• I am stupid.
• I’m boring.
• I am aging quicker than my partner.
• Too involved with the kids.
The thoughts above are unfortunate because they can leave the partner carrying both the weight of betrayal trauma healing and the addict’s poor decisions. One cannot heal well while carrying such a heavy load. Partners can feel deficient, questioning if they or their life will ever change.
Early on my journey, I told myself I had to work on my healing as if my life depended on it because I felt like I was in a dark tunnel with no visible exit routes. Although my intentions were good, my hard-work mindset did more harm than good because I was trying to heal like a machine, not a betrayal trauma victim, a person experiencing PTSD symptoms and pain. As a result, I was incredibly hard on myself initially, believing this mindset would somehow expedite my healing– I was wrong.
Do you only focus on the things you need to improve on, mistakes, regrets, or the fact that you did not know your partner was a sex addict? Do you beat yourself up for forgiving the addict the first or fifth time you discover a betrayal? You would serve yourself better by acknowledging the progress you are making. You are healing in your own time, in a way that may not be perfect, but it is progress!
Pat yourself on the back for where you are now. Take time to recognize you’re less reactive; you’ve been consistently seeing a therapist, you’ve been attending meetings, you have a decreased obsession with controlling your partner, or you’ve adjusted your self-care regimen. If none of these apply to you, there is something you can pat yourself on the back for and ease up on yourself in the process. Don’t you deserve an “at-a-boy (or girl)”? I promise you the recovering sex addicts do a little at-a-boy (or girl) grin when they have been sober a month. Yet, we have no problem beating ourselves up for our mistakes, past regrets, or bumps on our healing journey. Don’t we deserve to acknowledge how far we’ve come on our healing journey and continue the move ahead with self-compassion? The journey is hard enough; we do not need to add to this by being harsh with ourselves.
Let me say something that might make a few people mad—taking a breather occasionally on your healing journey is also okay. There were days when I was too physically or emotionally tired to drive to a meeting, much less participate. Sometimes I couldn’t work on a step, read recovery material, or listen to a podcast; I just needed a breather. It did not mean I was being lazy; usually, I did something else to refuel myself for the journey, like scrapbooking, taking a nap, enjoying a movie, sitting on my deck, or giving myself acknowledgment of how far I had come. I may have missed a meeting once every three months in the beginning. I had a few nights a week when I didn’t read recovery materials, and I always took at least a month off after completing a step of S-ANON. I never took a break from everything, just occasional breathers of one tool. I still do this to maintain the stamina required for the betrayal trauma healing journey.
I realize some partners approach their healing journey in desperation at first. They cannot attend enough meetings or see their therapist enough, which I get because when you are healing from the initial shock of the betrayal of another, you will do anything you can to stop the pain. At one point, I went to two meetings, saw a therapist, and participated in a Codependency Support group weekly, not to mention what I was listening to and reading at the time. I was in a lot of pain I desperately wanted to eliminate. I knew I had two choices: (1) heal well or (2) let the pain destroy me.
I often refer to betrayal trauma healing as a long journey which is ironic because I believed I would have all the answers figured out in a year. However, once I realized this healing journey would take a while, I had to change how I viewed my healing process. It didn’t take long to accept I was not getting off this journey any time soon, and I couldn’t wait until my life was perfect to enjoy it. My journey became a lifestyle like faith, exercising, or practicing yoga.
One may ask, what does it look like to take it easy on yourself on this journey? Let me give you some examples:
- You take time to recognize one thing that has improved since you began the betrayal trauma journey.
- Not beating yourself up for where you are now, accepting this is where you are with an expectation that things will improve.
- You choose to do something you enjoy, or that will make you smile.
- You are reading a blog supporting and affirming your journey. (yes, I am talking about this one)
- You choose not to attend a meeting occasionally to enjoy something unrelated to betrayal trauma healing.
- You are not beating yourself up when you find yourself triggered.
- You recognize you need more rest, and you take it.
- You recognize you need time by yourself and make plans to make this happen.
- You don’t beat yourself up for being betrayed by a sex addict.
- Your partner has left or continues to slip/relapse. You recognize the pain of your reality without blaming yourself for it.
- You chose to recognize the gifts you are experiencing on your healing journey instead of how hard everything is.
- You journal about the positive aspects of your journey, not just the negative.
My journey has been difficult; there were many betrayals for me to salvage through, not to mention the PTSD symptoms and triggers to heal from. However, I also enjoyed trips, spending time with family, hobbies, and laughing with friends who knew what I was going through and those who didn’t. I shed many tears, raged at my husband, and struggled with anxiety and sleep, so I needed pauses, laughter, and joy amid the madness of the healing journey. I realized the good and the bad were all part of the package.
Regardless of where you are on your healing journey, please take it easy on yourself. Explore what that looks like for you and allow yourself the time to do it on your healing journey as you heal from betrayal trauma. For me, healing well means practicing self-love and self-compassion on the journey by taking breathers when I need them, knowing I am not derailing my healing efforts. I went from frantically trying to run in the dark to calmly walking on a journey believing the end would show itself when it was time.