For me, the Bill of Rights was something to learn about to earn a good grade in school. I knew about Civil and Women’s Rights, but the Bill of Rights was part of the History lesson. Fast forward almost three decades, and I find myself discussing the Bill of Rights as it applies to betrayal trauma at a faith-based retreat for partners of sex addicts fourteen months after receiving a disclosure. Needless to say, it was a powerful exercise. If you haven’t considered your rights as you heal, whether the addict is in your life or not, I hope this blog entry will give you something to think about and know you don’t have to stay a victim.
It’s refreshing to believe you still have rights despite being betrayed. So many of us feel victimized at the beginning of our healing journey. We feel powerless—powerless over our partner’s acting-out behavior, powerless over the amount of pain we are experiencing, powerless over the shock, and powerless regarding the disillusionment we may be experiencing. However, even amid the powerlessness we may be experiencing, we do have rights.
Regarding betrayal trauma, some may ask what a right is and what it means. Just as the Bill of Rights explains entitlements about the government guaranteeing certain rights. The Bill of Rights, as it pertains to partners of sex addicts or those healing from betrayal trauma, establishes our entitlements. The difference is there is no legal document to affirm what partners should be entitled to, but it doesn’t decrease the importance of rights for those healing from betrayal trauma. More importantly, the Bill of Rights can help us establish boundaries and guide our healing as we look to the future. Although you have the power to develop your own Bill of Rights, here are a few I find essential, which I hope you will consider!
You have a right to your feelings and emotions. No one should tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel about what you are experiencing as if they fully understand your situation. Some people try telling you to be angry, while others will tell you the opposite; some will try to tell you how you should feel about your situation and for how long. When someone turns your life upside down, you will feel something. You’re better off feeling your emotions, identifying them, and working through them. This is the way to heal from emotional pain healthily. And the last person who should tell you how to feel about your situation is your sex addict.
You have a right to focus on yourself. You can’t control the addict, so it’s not worth your energy to even try. Concentrating on what you need to heal is beneficial and necessary. I’m not saying taking care of your family, going to work, caring for your pets, and keeping up with the bills, house, etc., are no longer priorities. We still have responsibilities, but prioritizing your healing must be at the top. You can begin by asking yourself, What do I need? What makes me happy? What do I need to feel safe? What can help me heal?
You have a right to create boundaries with your sex addict. Boundaries are essential to partners’ who are healing from betrayal trauma. Your addict has betrayed you, and you have a responsibility to protect yourself. Creating boundaries means you are committed to following through with your established consequences if your addict breaks your boundaries. You have a right to create boundaries that reflect your values and protect yourself, clarifying what is and isn’t acceptable to you moving forward.
You have a right to take your time regarding your relationship. Most partners of sex addicts don’t know what they want to do about the relationship immediately. They need time to figure out what they want to do next. Some partners want to see if there will be a change in their partner’s behavior. Family members, friends, and partners don’t have the right to tell you what to do or give you a timeline to decide. Your relationship is your business. You can determine what will and won’t work for you. If your addict ends the relationship before you can arrive at an assessment of whether to stay or leave, that says more about the addict than you. You can still experience peace regarding your relationship, allowing you to move on even if you don’t want to or feel like it.
You have a right to expect your addict to seek help. You can’t make the addict seek help, but I would assume if you are trying to figure out what to do about your relationship, you want to see changed behavior. You have a right to make this expectation known, but you can’t control the outcome. Even if you aren’t with the sex addict, there is no harm in wishing your addict well in hopes he or she will pursue recovery for their well-being. Praying for your addict isn’t a bad idea either. Your addict’s behavior will not change by osmosis. He has to do the work.
You have a right to request abstinence in your relationship. A partner should never feel like they still have to have sex with a recovering sex addict if they don’t feel safe. It’s the sex addict’s job to make you feel secure enough to resume sexual activity by earning your trust. This is crucial if the sex addict has been unfaithful. You deserve to know what STD/HIV tests the addict has taken and what the results reveal. Some people say taking sex off of the table for a while can be good for a relationship healing from sex addiction – allowing a couple to focus on their healing.
Some partners continue to have sex with their addict without knowing if the partner is physically safe, risking their health for fear the addict will act out again. This illusion of control is concerning because having sex with a person with little sobriety who you don’t trust is a considerable risk to the partner in an attempt to control the “uncontrollable.” This is unfortunate and codependent behavior.
You have a right to speak your truth to your addict without fear of retaliation, fear of him relapsing, or fear of any kind. You are the wounded party because of the addict’s choices.
You deserve to express yourself when you have more questions or want to share what you may be experiencing. If you decide to stay in the relationship with actual intimacy, these honest and sometimes challenging conversations are “musts,” not options.
You have a right to a bit of self-indulgence in the beginning. I know some of you reading this may be raising your eyebrows, but I know many partners, myself included, who did a little self-pampering at the beginning of their healing journey. Here are some examples:
- Bought new panties.
- Bought a Pilates club membership.
- Took weekly bubble baths.
- Spent more time with friends.
- Enrolled in a class for fun (cooking, meditation, painting, knitting, etc.)
- Spent the night in a hotel by themselves.
- Participated in a “Girls” or “Guys” getaway.
- Participated in a faith-based women’s or men’s retreat.
- Took the day off from work to rest.
- Enjoyed a manicure.
- Visited a friend or family member out of town.
- Treated themselves to a shopping spree.
- Enjoyed a spa retreat.
- Returned to school for additional education or certification.
These activities vary in expense and time, but the point is these are examples of what some partners of sex addicts did for themselves at the beginning of their journey. You, too, can do the same if you choose; it will vary based on your situation. I’m not saying this is how partners should spend the whole time healing, but in the beginning, I believe a moment of “healthy self-indulgence” is okay. Frankly, the road ahead won’t be easy, so you might as well have a happy moment before you roll up your sleeves and do some work. Unlike your partner, your choice of self-indulgence isn’t causing anyone else half of the pain you are experiencing. Besides, this isn’t about hurting the addict. This is about being good to yourself. If you’re reading this and you’re several miles past this but didn’t take the time for a self-indulgence moment, there is no time like the present.
You also have a right to ask for a disclosure when you are ready to hear one. Please don’t think you are supposed to stay in the dark with what little information you may have and deal with it wondering if there is more you don’t know. Especially if you have the information because you discovered it, not because your partner confessed. If you want to see the depth and scope of your partner’s addiction, you have every right to make that request. You may not get a right away, but no one should make you feel any way about making that request. It also doesn’t hurt to let your addict know you aren’t currently ready for one, but when you think you are, you will be making the request.
I saved my last and favorite right for last because it’s also one of my biggest pet peeves.
You have a right to give yourself a break; be easy on yourself. Your healing journey may not be smooth; you may start and stop several times. It’s okay not to always be OK. Our healing is a journey, not a race. This is a journey of ups and downs, boosts and setbacks. Please be patient with yourself. (See: Take it easy on yourself! – Betrayed, Not Broken)
Today, I still believe I have a right to the following:
- Expect my husband to honor my boundaries.
- True intimacy is filled with honesty and fidelity.
- Expect my husband to work on his recovery program.
- I will work my program by seeing a therapist, practicing self-care, leaning on my faith, attending meetings, managing my blog, volunteering in my support group, practicing positive affirmations, or finding other ways to enhance my healing journey.
- I want to live a healing life and share the journey with others who benefit from my experience.
- Enjoy the reward of healing from betrayal trauma.
- Do not live in fear.
- Seek Joy
- I will move on with my life, not burying the past but using the lessons learned to expect a better chapter; I will live in the moment while trusting God.
- Work with my husband, God, and a therapist to heal the marriage.
You may be reading this and saying, “Joy, I feel worse now because I haven’t enjoyed any of these rights, or my partner doesn’t see the value of any of these.” Let me say you have a right to all I’ve mentioned and more, but we can’t control other people in our lives – especially the addict. We can make decisions that are best for us based on what we believe our entitlement is. This may upset others, but it’s better than feeling like a victim without choices. You don’t have to justify changes and various adjustments you are doing as part of your healing. It’s your healing – your business. Knowing your rights is for you to reflect on in your healing process, not justify to anyone.
Hopefully, knowing you have rights will guide you in maneuvering your healing, how you deal with your addict, how you deal with others, and how you see yourself. You are healing from pain you weren’t looking for or deserved. You can’t change what has occurred, but what you choose to do regarding your healing is yours. Knowing your rights will empower you as you heal, whether you’re new to the journey or a seasoned veteran; it’s worth the effort.
