What comes to mind when you think of self-care? Some may think of a day at the spa, a shopping spree, sipping wine, a bubble bath, or treating yourself to a decadent dessert, all of which I enjoy. Before receiving my husband’s disclosure, going out with girlfriends, going on trips, and sometimes drinking too much was my idea of self-care. However, I learned there is a difference between self-pampering and self-care. I practiced proper self-care when I stayed on top of my annual doctor appointments, went to the gym, saw my therapist, journaled, and prayed.
I define self-care as a gentle act of self-love to identify what one needs with the intent of tending to those needs, producing lasting benefits in overall health, and making it easier to function and manage life’s daily stressors. Before my journey, I was busy taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, volunteering, and working on my never-ending “to-do” list. I hoped things would change regarding my marriage and my husband’s porn habit, but that’s as far as it went because I didn’t go beneath the anger and disappointment towards my husband to feel other emotions.
After disclosure, I was in so much pain that I had no choice but to ask myself what I needed to function constantly. One of the things I needed was to give myself grace. I was happy one hour and in rage the next. I had to recognize this was where I was, and my needs would change as often as my emotions. I realized my indulgences made me feel good at the time, but if I was going to heal from betrayal trauma, I needed a lifestyle that incorporated self-care. This lifestyle required me to ask myself what I needed physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.
A good friend would listen to me complain when I was upset or triggered and calmly ask me, “What do you need at this moment to feel better?” Of course, I would pause and think before answering the question, but my answer was never self-pampering. Some people may be reading this and asking why these categories are considered needs; after all, I am not talking about food, water, or shelter, but these categories are just as essential, especially for betrayal trauma victims.
These are some of the self-care activities I practiced initially:
- taking sleeping pills so I could experience a good night’s sleep
- calling my S-ANON sponsor weekly
- avoiding triggers by not watching anything on television that dealt with infidelity, strip clubs, or sex addiction
- receiving massages to relax and relieve my neck and shoulder pain.
- Taking naps
- Sitting in silence
- Journaling
- Calling someone in my healing circles.
- Asking myself, “What do I need right now?”
- Reading books for partners of sex addicts
- Attending support group meetings
- Seeing a therapist
- Going to the gym
I found the more significant the distress, the more I needed to increase my self-care. Thankfully, my needs changed as my healing improved from betrayal trauma. Over time, I didn’t need to practice everything on my self-care list as much, and my list changed as my needs changed. The urgency to rest, read partner recovery books, call others in my recovery circles, or attend different types of meetings decreased.
I also started asking myself what I needed from my husband. Previously, I didn’t ask much of him because I didn’t want to be disappointed. As sick as it sounds, I thought strong people like me shouldn’t have needs; strong people care for themselves and others. Finally, I realized It was my husband’s job to do what I needed to feel safe in the relationship. I had every right to expect and request him to adhere to my boundaries. (I will post a blog entry about boundaries in the future.)
In retrospect, I wish I had told him; I need you to stop looking at porn, so do whatever you need to do to make that happen, or I will have no choice but to leave the marriage. Furthermore, I need us to figure out how to communicate better, even if that means seeking marriage therapy because I need true intimacy to function in this marriage. At the time,I didn’t realize I needed specific things to change significantly in the marriage.
I knew my husband couldn’t immediately heal the pain caused by his betrayals, mainly when I was triggered. However, It was my job to express what I needed from my husband during those times. I made specific requests of him, such as:
- listening to what I was feeling
- answering additional questions about the disclosure
- leaving me alone
- sleeping in another room
- taking the kids somewhere so I could be alone
- cooking dinner because I didn’t feel like it
I started framing my needs with, “I love myself enough to ———————-.” These were my mantras at one point:
I love myself enough to get the rest I need.
I love myself enough to attend support group meetings, even if I must pay a babysitter to watch the kids.
I love myself enough to exercise because it makes me feel good, I feel better about myself, and I need to burn calories.
I love myself enough to meditate to help me be present and calm.
I love myself enough to work on my S-ANON steps because they will further my healing process.
I love myself enough to buy reading materials about my healing process.
I love myself enough to journal because it helps me process my emotions.
I love myself enough to take tiny breaks to get away and reflect.
I love myself enough to do things I enjoy.
I love myself enough to aim to put food in my body that will give me stamina.
I love myself enough to pause before I react when I am upset.
I love myself enough to create boundaries in my marriage that make me feel safe.
I love myself enough not to engage in heavy conversations with my husband when I am tired, hungry, irritated, or angry
I love myself enough to create boundaries with my children based on things I am no longer willing to tolerate.
I love myself enough to invest in therapy.
I love myself enough to invest in yoga classes for calmness.
I love myself enough to recognize I am not a superwoman; I have needs.
I love myself enough to practice meditation regularly.
I love myself enough to engage in activities that make me laugh.
I love myself enoughnot to over-commit to volunteer opportunities at this particular time.
I put an explanation at the end of each statement above, but I don’t feel explaining your needs to others is always necessary. For example, if I tell my husband I need him to honor my boundaries, I shouldn’t have to explain why that’s a need.
You may have to ask yourself the following questions to assess how you currently view self-care:
- How do I take care of myself now?
- Am I gentle with myself?
- Do I only practice self-care when I feel I’ve earned it by working hard all day, completing my “to-do list,” or getting upset enough to justify it?
Depending on how you answered the questions above, you may have to re-think how you view your self-care. Your self-care is a need, not an option.
Practicing self-care may mean requesting something from someone, which can be challenging. Verbalizing your needs requires vulnerability because you don’t get to control whether the other person will honor your request or do so in a respectable manner. For example, you may need to:
- ask your boss to adjust your schedule to give you more time at home
- step down from a volunteer position to give yourself more time to commit to yourself and your healing journey.
- Ask someone to watch your children so you can attend support group meetings and therapy appointments.
- Discuss needed adjustments to your budget to allow for the expense of therapy, workshops, or childcare so you can attend to further your healing.
Once you identify a need, you must act from a place of self-love, which is practicing self-care. No one is itching for the opportunity to ask, “Oh honey, I know you are going through a tough time right now; what need can I tend to today for you?”
I practiced self-care by choosing what I would give my energy to and what I wouldn’t, which meant I wouldn’t give my power to:
- Self-pity
- Arguments with my husband that went in circles without resolution or understanding
- Explaining parenting decisions to my kids
- Negative self-talk
- Raging at my husband
- Volunteer tasks that I didn’t want to do
- Anything that didn’t serve me on my healing journey
My kids needed to see me modeling healthy self-care, even if they didn’t fully understand it at the time. I wanted them to look back when they knew the truth and think, My mom was going through hell, but she still managed to take care of herself and us.
Today, I incorporate self-care into my journaling by writing down how I care for myself physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. Of course, there isn’t always something written down for each category, but I can see where I might be lacking in an area and commitment to doing better. Writing it in my journal reinforces that self-care is my responsibility, and I can make adjustments as needed.
Regardless of where you are on your healing journey, please let me encourage you to take the time to consider what your self-care needs are. Then, you may want to challenge yourself even further by putting those needs in writing as a plan or list. Healthy self-care can improve your quality of life, mindset, and overall well-being. In my opinion, it’s a vital part of the healing process for partners of sex addicts. (I’ve attached a tool that might help you create a self-care plan).
When I think of good self-care, I think of two types of people you may know. One is the person who loves their car. This person constantly cleans it stays on top of the suggested maintenance appointments, and takes the car in for any little thing not deemed satisfactory. The other is the person who is always in their yard watering and mowing it, leaving you asking, why is he at it again? This person is the first to get mulch for the yard and fertilize. These people care deeply for objects in a way we should care for ourselves.
I experienced many benefits when I practiced good self-care, such as:
- Better concentration
- a deeper appreciation for myself and my journey
- More energy to deal with my children
- Calmness
- More compassion for others
- Deeper connection with God
- Authenticity
- Self-compassion
I believe partners of sex addicts need an extra dose of self-care and pampering at the beginning of their journey. For example, I went to a resort spa by myself one month after receiving my husband’s disclosure. I always wanted to do it but didn’t feel comfortable justifying the expense on myself. However, after receiving the disclosure, I didn’t hesitate to book a reservation. Although the spa treatments were lovely, I enjoyed quiet time for reflection, prayer, rest, journaling, and crying, all of which I needed at the time. It was an indulgence that also provided a peaceful atmosphere for self-care. I only wish my stay had been longer than two nights.
I still ask myself what I need, especially during challenging times. Lately, I’ve used this when dealing with my teenage children, who sometimes disappoint me. As long as we are alive, there will always be opportunities to practice self-care and improve at it.
I still love my indulgences; the difference is that self-care takes priority over self-pampering now because my healing journey has taught me to recognize the difference between the two.