What does it mean to live in reality when you are healing from betrayal trauma? Does it mean crying and screaming every day? Berating your partner daily or ignoring your situation? Actually, it doesn’t mean any of those things. If we’re honest, most of us don’t even know how to “live in reality” when we first learn the truth about our partner, because our vision is clouded by disbelief, shock, disappointment, or anger. The pain is so raw and so deep we can’t help wondering, Will I always feel like this? Is this all I will ever feel? And if not, when will this pain end? We find ourselves trying to discover what our new reality is now.
Here are some things that kept me in reality:
Participating in support groups. I didn’t want to go; there were so many things I preferred to do with my time, but the support groups kept me sane. I listened to other people going through the same challenges I was experiencing, realizing “this is my life, for now”. I could have attended the groups and sat there like I was an observer, but sitting in a room with “other folks” who were in pain, desperate to heal, was part of my reality, not a scene I could observe. Attending meetings kept my situation very real for me. I remember having to find childcare so I could attend a meeting, which I resented. I felt bad getting childcare, but I had to remind myself that if I didn’t get help, I wouldn’t be equipped to be the type of mother I wanted to be for my children.
Seeing a therapist also kept things very real for me. We talked a lot about what was working and not working in my desire to heal from betrayal trauma. My calendar was filled with therapy appointments and support group dates. I couldn’t deny I was knee-deep in healing from betrayal trauma. Sometimes I would get mad or irritated, thinking, “There are so many other things I would prefer to do with my time and money than this.” However, the reality was I would never experience a better chapter if I didn’t do the healing work; not to save my marriage, but to save myself. So, I participated in meetings, met with a therapist, prayed often, connected with an accountability partner, attended workshops, and read numerous books.
Journaling also made things real. I could find myself having a decent day, yet writing in my journal at night would touch on an aspect of my healing I wasn’t speaking out loud. The journal was the tool I could use to deposit my honest emotions and thoughts, regardless of whether I spent the day in tears or smiles. I could get honest when I put pen to paper, and honesty kept me in reality.
Sometimes I had to “say it out loud” to myself. I once heard someone say she would get in her car and say out loud, “I’m married to a recovering sex addict who had many affairs, put my life at risk, and lied about it.” It’s not that she wanted to live in the past, but to live in the reality of the past as she moved forward. Her husband was sober and working on his program, but she wasn’t trying to live in la-la land either. I can remember saying to myself, “This is tougher than anything you’ve previously experienced, but necessary if you want to live the reality of the past as you move forward with or without my husband.”
I had to acknowledge and manage my triggers healthily. I had to admit to myself that certain conversations and situations made me feel uncomfortable. For example, I got uncomfortable when our pastor mentioned infidelity or addictions. I tensed up when out with friends who talked about what they would do if their husbands cheated. I didn’t have to share my business with everyone, but when I felt triggered, I had to acknowledge and manage my emotions because that was my reality.
Furthermore, living in reality is healthier than living in denial. If one tries to bury the pain caused by the betrayal trauma instead of actually healing from it, the pain might show itself later in one’s health, whether physically, mentally, or both, which is ironic. One tries to bury pain in an attempt to move on without, only to end up suffering the ramifications of that decision later. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen who just quit working on their healing who now live an unfulfilled life because of resentment, depression, or an inability to be in touch with themselves, regardless of whether they are with the sex addict or not.
These are some of the things I tell myself today:
- I accept my husband can’t understand 100% the amount of pain he caused, but he’s made the effort to try and acknowledge it on the rare occasion I share a trigger with him. He’s also tried to understand the pain I’ve experienced to the best of his ability.
- The parts of my husband I fell in love with have always been there; they didn’t change when he was in active addiction, and they haven’t changed since he’s been sober.
- My husband could slip or relapse at any time. If that occurs, I am prepared to honor the boundaries I created for my safety.
- My husband and I want the same things for the future of our marriage.
- My husband is the person I want to spend time with as long as the addiction isn’t active. There is no place for the addict in our relationship.
- I trust God
- When it comes to my husband, I trust him with my eyes open.
- I acknowledge the past, but I don’t get stuck there.
- I continue to do my healing work despite my husband’s sobriety because I am worth the effort. When I do my healing work, I feel like I’m at my healthiest.
- The future status of my marriage doesn’t give me anxiety.
- My adult children know about their father’s addiction, which means they may have tough questions for us later down the line, which we are prepared to answer.
- I can’t engage in “quickie” sex. There must be an emotional connection. This may change, but that is the situation today.
- My husband was very sick; he will have to work a program for the rest of his life to maintain sobriety.
- Today, my marriage isn’t where I would like it to be, but it’s better than it was. My personal healing is at a good place and has been for a while, but the marriage is still a work in progress, not just because of sex addiction. There were communication issues in our marriage, in addition to the addiction. We can finally deal with those issues. without every conversation or conflict revolving around the addiction.
There are certain truths or aspects of our marriage my husband and I have acknowledged that keep us in reality as a couple:
- Every time we are watching a movie at home and there is a sex scene, my husband turns his head or fast-forwards the scene.
- We’ve had to walk out of restaurants because the waitresses were dressed too scantily.
- We both attend meetings regularly.
- There are boundaries in our marriage.
- Certain sermons we hear in church lead to further conversation between the two of us.
- I’ve always said my husband’s betrayals are like a picture on the wall. We both know it’s there, we see it, we can acknowledge it, but burying it is out of the question if we want to live in reality. The addiction has had too much of an impact on my husband, my faith, my children, and me to act like it’s not part of our story.
Today, there are other things that keep me in reality:
- I attend support meetings, workshops, and conventions for partners of sex addicts.
- I am an accountability partner for others who started their healing journey after me.
- I see a therapist.
- I write this blog.
- I pray and meditate when seeking guidance.
I have no intention of ever forgetting the past and what it took to heal and move forward. If anything, the past gives me so much more appreciation and gratitude for simple gifts I experience today which I took for granted before I started my healing journey. Today I appreciate not being as reactive as I used to be, enjoying a happy moment with my family or husband, being able to mention the past without getting emotional, the dear friends I have in my life who are also on their recovery journey, the courageous people I meet when they attend a meeting for the first time, moments of shear laughter and joy, self-care practices, the ability to relax, and time for prayer and meditation.
I urge you to stay in the reality of your healing journey. Staying in the reality of your past and where you are today isn’t easy or fun; it’s much easier to ignore the truth, but it won’t be as beneficial to you in the long run when it comes to your relationship with others and, more importantly, regarding the relationship you have with yourself and God. Living in reality can be painful, but it can also bring great joy when one ponders the gifts of healing. For me, living in reality is a form of self-love that can feel like a release.
My challenges have made me stronger, but I wish I hadn’t experienced so much pain. I’m grateful for the progress I’ve made and the ability to help others on their journey. I’ve gained great benefits from the work I’ve done to heal from betrayal trauma, which will benefit me for the rest of my life. I can’t control the future, but I choose not to fear it either. I take one day at a time, acknowledging the past with anticipation of better chapters to come as I lean on God to guide my steps – that’s my reality.
