HEALTHY SEXUALITY FOR PARTNERS OF SEX ADDICTS—YES, IT’S POSSIBLE!

My goal in this blog entry is to share how I arrived at a definition of healthy sexuality that makes sense for me at this stage of my healing.   Partners of sex addicts can question what healthy sexuality is when they realize their partner is a sex addict.  After all, their partners made unhealthy decisions around sex to soothe themselves, which shouldn’t impact their concept of healthy sexuality, but it does for many of us; at least, that’s my story.  Incredibly, healthy sexuality is rarely mentioned in support groups for partners of sex addicts, at least not in the ones I’ve participated in.  We talk about the sex our partners had or watched but put little energy into trying to access what healthy sexuality is for ourselves, which is unfortunate.  

If one genuinely wants to heal from betrayal trauma caused by another person’s sex addiction, I believe healthy sexuality should be a part of the equation; after all, are we not sexual beings?  The National Sexual Violence Resource Center defines healthy sexuality as “having the knowledge and power to express sexuality in ways that enrich one’s life.  It includes approaching sexual interactions and relationships from a perspective that is consensual, respectful, and informed.” I like this definition because it’s empowering, as healthy sexuality should be.

Having a concept of healthy sexuality won’t prevent you from being betrayed again by a sex addict.  Still, it can keep you from the pain of blaming yourself for not being enough for your partner sexually, participating in sex acts you don’t care for, or continuing to accept unacceptable behavior to cope.  If anything, understanding what healthy sexuality looks like for you can be an excellent guide for establishing boundaries that are self-honoring and protective.

Healthy sexuality isn’t a term I heard a lot about before I knew my husband was an addict.  I thought healthy sexuality meant regular sex with my husband with the willingness to explore within reason – boy, was I wrong.  I can remember following someone’s advice of deliberately having sex with my husband before he went out of town to keep him faithful– I was wrong about that as well.  Here are some of the other unhealthy behaviors and thoughts I practiced before developing a better understanding of healthy sexuality, which I am not proud of:

• Agreeing to have sex when I was tired only to think, Now, what else is on my list of things to do after this before I can go to bed?

• Having sex with my husband to manipulate him into agreeing to specific requests I planned on making afterward.

•  Having sex with my husband as a reward for something he did.

• Not initiating sex enough, putting the responsibility on my husband.

• Having a sense of easiness in the marriage, which I didn’t express, then feeling reassured everything was okay after sex without discussing my previous uneasiness.

• Sometimes forgetting sex was about my pleasure, too, not just my husband’s.

• Thinking the only way to express my love for my husband was to have sex with him.

• Not communicating about sex with my husband regarding what I liked and didn’t. 

When I first received a disclosure, I told myself I would never have sex with my husband again – just the thought of it was horrifying.  I heard sex was optional by people in my support groups, which was fine with me.  I was in shock and disbelief to find myself getting tested for venereal diseases and AIDS fourteen years after the first betrayal.  I wasn’t thinking of healthy sexuality; I was taking care of business by ensuring my health was okay.  I couldn’t see it then, but this act was healthy sexuality.  

Surprisingly, something happened that I never expected: my husband and I began being more honest with each other as we worked on our healing.  I didn’t expect our connection to grow because I was so focused on my healing, eventually making the issue of resuming sexual relations a topic I couldn’t ignore.  This newfound intimacy with my husband rebirthed my desire to have sex with him, not the addict, but the man I fell in love with, the man I knew he could be.  I saw a humble man desperately trying his hardest to heal from his addiction.  However, he wouldn’t refuse to see a therapist, not attend meetings, and repeatedly slip or relapse and expect to have sex with me.  I had to see changed behavior over time to let my guard down, which I did very slowly and cautiously, learning to trust myself in the process.

My husband’s honesty was causing a connection between us, which increased my desire for him sexually, but I didn’t just want to “have sex”; I wanted to share something with him that would honor the connection between us.  We both did.  One issue with resuming sexual relations with an addict is whether to use condoms.  On the one hand, it makes sense to require the addict to use condoms if you don’t trust him and don’t want to take chances, which I get, but that leaves the question of, “Why are you having sex with someone you don’t trust?  Is that healthy sexuality?  Yet, if you choose to have sex without protection, does that mean you aren’t being responsible or codependent?  Maybe it means your relationship is at a point where you trust your addict.  Regardless of your choice, I suggest checking in with yourself before selecting a route.  Let me also say it’s unfair that you must choose a path in the first place, but this is a reality of life with a recovering sex addict.

I can tell you there were times I had sex with my husband and thought, crap, now he thinks he’s off the hook, and everything is okay.  There were other times I had sex with him and found myself thinking, oh, what have I done?  I found myself talking to others and the therapist to realize my confusion and concerns were normal.  Others suggested I communicate my worries and anxieties with my husband.  Although awkward, I followed the advice of those I trusted, which was helpful because I realized my husband also had concerns; we were speaking honestly about sex and practicing true intimacy.  

I remember attending a conference where healthy sexuality was a topic.  I listened to some of the partners’ questions and realized:

1. Many partners weren’t having sex with their addicts.
2. Partners who were having sex with their addicts set boundaries for safety and to avoid triggers, for example:

1. Certain positions were off the table.
2. Addicts had to look at their partners during sex.
3. No sex toys allowed.
4. No provocative lingerie.
5. No alcohol or drugs were involved.
6. Sex couldn’t happen at a place where the addict had sex with others, whether it be at their home or elsewhere.
7. Condoms were required.
8. No new positions if the partner suspected the addict’s desire to try something different was from the porn use or acting out with someone else.
9. The addict had to have a significant amount of sobriety.

Hearing these partners was such an “a-ha” moment for me.  I realized I didn’t need to be confused about sex if I was slightly unsure; I didn’t need to have it.  I decided my husband and I would only have sex if I initiated it.  I needed this stipulation to feel in control of this aspect of the relationship.  Although we talked a lot about how unhealthy it is to try and control the addict, I needed this stipulation to relax more in the relationship, giving me a sense of safety.  Today, this stipulation is dicey because menopause has impacted my sexual desire.

To define what healthy sexuality is for me, I had to recognize what it wasn’t first.  For me, healthy sexuality isn’t:

1. Having sex with my husband to control his sobriety.
2. Having sex out of fear the marriage will end.
3. Having sex because I feel coerced.
4. Having sex to manipulate my husband for my gain.
5. Having sex with him after I’ve had enough to drink.
6. Having sex in a way that isn’t authentic to me, only to compete with people he’s acted out with or viewed in the past.
7. Having sex out of obligation.

I know some religions stress that married couples should have sex regularly as part of their commitment to the relationship.  However, we aren’t discussing a healthy relationship once sex addiction is part of the equation; we are talking about a relationship that is now challenging due to sex addiction, which you are trying to figure out whether or not it is salvageable, making healthy sexuality possible.  I believe the partner of the sex addict has the right to choose whether to engage in sex or not.  Your safety is far more important than having sex.  You may not be where you can even wrap your mind around having sex with your partner because everything is still new, and you are trying to sort it out.  Your partner may not be seeking recovery, which is a red flag when engaging in sex with your addict.  Not to mention, you may be exhausted from all the drama.   Remember, part of healthy sexuality is paying attention to yourself and what your mind and body are trying to tell you.

Once I figured out what wasn’t healthy in a sexual relationship with my husband, I had to ask myself what I wanted our sexual relationship to look like.    I always wanted to have sex with my husband from a place of love for one another, fidelity, connection, trust, and mutual respect, which I believed was our story before learning of his addiction.  Once I realized the truth, I knew we didn’t experience healthy sexuality, so we questioned whether healthy sexuality was even possible given our past.  I still wanted what I believed we had, but now I had to express these expectations to my husband once I realized what I wanted and didn’t want.  I found myself diving into this issue of healthy sexuality with a new set of eyes and clarity.

My healthier understanding of sexuality enabled me to create boundaries around our sexual relationship, which I use today:

1. There must be an emotional connection.  If I don’t feel connected, it’s not happening.
2. If I have an ounce of nagging doubt, it’s not happening.
3. I am not having sex with my husband if there is a slip or relapse.
4. Foreplay is required – no “quickies” unless I want one.
5. No sexy lingerie

Healthy sexuality isn’t about me creating a list of rules for my husband to follow while I stand back and watch to see if he adheres to them.   Partners of sex addicts must assume some responsibility beyond creating boundaries around sex.  It is also our responsibility to express our concept of healthy sexuality to our partners and to keep the lines of communication open.  My husband is not a mind reader; he knows he messed up, so it’s up to me to give him something to work with versus keeping him in the dark; that doesn’t help either of us.   For me, I see the following as my responsibility in the relationship:

1. Communicating what I like and want regarding sex.
2. Initiate sex if I want it.
3. Letting my husband know what is and isn’t okay.
4. Checking in with myself regarding intention when considering sex.

Some may think this doesn’t sound romantic or selfish, but we are discussing resuming sexual relations with a recovering sex addict.  One would be wise to trust with one’s eyes open and listen to yourself when pondering the issue of sexuality in your relationship.  Furthermore, this is my concept of what I needed to experience healthy sexuality in my relationship while feeling safe.  I don’t expect anyone who reads this blog entry to have the same concept as me; if anything, I encourage you to create your idea of healthy sexuality versus evaluating mine.  Your vision or definition of healthy sexuality will differ; you are different, and your sex addict may have acted out differently than my husband.

Practicing healthy sexuality can also mean taking a time of abstinence.  Many couples practice abstinence to focus on the relationship without having sex on the table.  Couples can use this time to examine if there is more to the relationship than sex; having a period of abstinence can be a form of healthy sexuality.  I know couples who have set a time for abstinence and then extended it when they reached the end date. 

Abstinence can be a great way to achieve true intimacy.  My husband and I practiced abstinence throughout our healing as a couple, and we found it freeing to know it wasn’t an issue of concern, allowing us to focus on our individual and couple healing.  Abstinence is also a great time to explore ways of expressing love for each other that don’t involve sex.  For example, my husband and I like to cuddle while watching a movie, hold hands while walking, and talk honestly about our hopes, dreams, and desires as individuals and as a couple.  Have you ever prayed side by side with your partner?  I find that incredibly sexy.

Healthy sexuality is never set in stone because life constantly impacts our sexual situations.  You can find yourself too physically or mentally challenged to engage in sex.  The stress of caring for kids or aging parents can affect our sexual desire.  Not to mention menopause, which I could talk about for hours.  Not every couple can physically have sex, which doesn’t mean the love each person has for the other is “less than.”  Sometimes, we must redefine healthy sexuality in our relationship to adjust to what life throws at us at a particular time.

Some may be reading this and saying I’m not with the addict anymore, so this doesn’t apply to me, but here’s the thing.  If you ever find yourself in a relationship again, you still need to understand what healthy sexuality is for you moving forward.  Healing from betrayal trauma makes it hard for some of us to define what healthy sexuality is or even think about what we desire sexually.  Some of us realize our unhealthy understanding of sexuality may have enabled our partner’s addiction, so we reevaluate what healthy sexuality means to us, considering the truth of our addict’s addiction, which benefits us regardless of our relationship status with the addict.

Today, I define healthy sexuality as the ability to trust myself in knowing when I want to engage in sex with healthy intentions and a willingness to communicate my desires and emotions appropriately before and after sex with my husband, who loves me and has done the work to earn my trust back; understanding that I will initiate sex when I want it.  I don’t do this perfectly; frankly, it’s a little awkward, but this is my goal regarding healthy sexuality.  I tell myself I would rather awkwardly work towards the definition I created than operate the way I did before all hell broke loose in my life.

Thinking about our sexuality is a form of self-love that deserves our attention and energy.  However, this won’t happen right away when one is healing from betrayal trauma because “healthy sexuality” usually isn’t the first issue of concern when we first learn the truth of our partner’s addiction.  Once we have experienced significant healing, we may find ourselves at a place where we question healthy sexuality, not necessarily because we want to have sex so much as to understand ourselves better.