January 31st marks the first anniversary of Betrayed, Not Broken. I am so grateful for the readers, especially those who expressed appreciation for their validation. God’s grace and a dear friend who pushed me to face my fears were the anchors I needed to offer what I hope is a helpful tool to those healing from betrayal trauma. Please help me celebrate this anniversary by sharing this blog with others who could also benefit. In recognition of the anniversary, I created a new blog category offering, Insight for the Addict. You might think this is a strange way to celebrate, but this category could be helpful to both you and the addict.
I debated offering this because my blog is not for sex addicts. However, I remember attending a SA/S-ANON conference where a friend spoke to provide insight from the partner’s perspective. Although my husband expressed his enthusiasm for his new understanding regarding my process thanks to my friend’s speech, I looked at him and said, “She didn’t say anything I haven’t told you before!” He responded, “It’s easier to hear from someone you aren’t married to; there is less shame attached because I didn’t hurt her.” So, in that spirit, I’ve decided to include this category in my blog.
Your journey is still my focus, but I will occasionally offer entries for the addict. If I can help the addict understand what you are going through, maybe the addict will have more understanding and empathy. Furthermore, if both of you read the Insights for the Addict entries, those tricky conversations might get easier. I hope you can encourage the sex addict in your life to read the entries, starting with the one below:
Do you want your relationship to heal? First, make sure your “I’m Sorry” has some meat.
Thank you for your willingness and humility in reading this blog entry. I promise my blog entries won’t beat you over the head, but I will be very frank and straight to the point in the topics I tackle. The healing journey for my husband and I has been bumpy, and it still isn’t where we would like it to be, but his commitment to learning how to be more empathic towards my journey has been critical in our process. When I write these blog entries, I envision sitting at a table with you in hopes of helping you better understand what your partner is going through. I am your partner’s advocate! (I would encourage you to read My Story Part 1 and 2).
Some addicts complain they’ve apologized to the partner they betrayed several times or even years, yet they can’t understand why the partners still appear angry, hurt, or wounded. Some of us consistently need to hear “I’m sorry,” especially at the beginning because it’s reassuring. We fear you will act out again if you forget how you hurt us. Hearing “I’m sorry” is more assuring than “Why won’t you get over it? I don’t do it anymore; Why won’t you give me a break?” “You are such a B—“- or “You’re just bitter!” I heard of a sex addict once asked a more seasoned addict, “How long do I have to keep apologizing?” the seasoned addict responded, “Until she doesn’t need to hear it anymore.” There is no harm in asking your partner, “Do you feel assured or comforted when I apologize?” “What else can I do to ensure you know I am sincere in my apology?”
When done in sincerity, your apology can be a form of validation; adding meat to your apology can be even more impactful. Here is a suggested format my therapist shared with me, which I tweaked for your benefit:
- I’m sorry for (the issue your partner is dealing with or addressing with you) ex: for the triggering emotions you are experiencing
- I know this is because (state the offending action(s)) ex: of the way I betrayed you in the past
- I am sure you are feeling (name the emotion(s) your partner is feeling), ex: hurt, confused, and maybe angry.
- I accept responsibility for (the action or actions) ex: my past (or present) behaviors and how they’ve hurt you.
- Did I acknowledge your emotions correctly? What can I do to ease your pain?
Do you see how this is a little meatier than “I’m sorry”? The example above allows you to take responsibility for your past or present actions, how you hurt your partner, and how you plan to continue empathizing with your partner and earning their trust. So many of us heard “I’m Sorry” numerous times when our partners repeatedly slipped, lied, or gaslighted us, leaving us confused. Unfortunately, “I’m Sorry” are words our addicts say when they are busted; the words have lost their power, and now we need meat to accompany the apologies.
Using my suggested format can be tiring, but healing from your betrayal is tiring for your partner. I can tell you that experiencing triggers, learning about sex addiction, trusting my husband again, and trying to lean back into the relationship has been incredibly tiring.
Now, I assume you have some sobriety under your belt, but if you are still slipping or relapsing, let me caution you that your significant other may be even more unwilling to accept your apologies. Can you blame them? A partner will only listen to your “I’m sorry” for so long, even if you use my suggested format. Your sobriety makes a difference in your partner’s willingness to accept and believe you. If my husband slips every other month with an “I’m Sorry,” I am less likely to trust, respect, or take him seriously. Part of accompanying an “I’m Sorry” with some meat is having some sobriety to validate your sincerity.
If you are still slipping and relapsing, you may consider explaining your plan to stop these behaviors and other hurtful ones, such as yelling, disrespecting your partner, breaking your partner’s boundaries, or justifying your inappropriate behavior. Ultimately, your partner wants to see a behavior change they can trust.
I can’t tell you how many times my husband told me, “I’m Sorry,” after I busted him watching porn. So, after a while, I figured it was just a matter of time before I would catch my husband again. But, I also felt like my husband wasn’t sorry for the pain his actions caused me or even really understood how he was hurting. Eventually, I began to question if he genuinely cared. He never said, “I’m sorry you found me doing this again; I know how much this hurts you. I feel sorry for causing you pain.” So, finally, I told myself he was just sorry for getting caught watching porn again.
Of course, don’t be ridiculous with “I’m Sorry” either; your partner can see straight through that. If my husband said “I’m sorry” to me every day on the hour, that would annoy me making me question his sincerity. Using my suggested format while talking to your partner in an appropriate tone, holding your partner’s hand, looking into your partner’s eyes, or offering a hug might be the meat your partner needs. These suggestions express sincerity to the partner, not a “going through the motions” exercise to keep the peace. Please sincerely say “I’m Sorry” because you genuinely mean it.
Some of you may be reading this and thinking, I have been sober a while; I am sincerely sorry for the pain I caused my partner; I’ve done all you suggested and then some, but my partner is still unhappy. Your partner is healing from betrayal trauma which can take a while. I have been on this journey for ten years while seriously focusing on the marriage for the past three, yet I still find a sincere apology affirming sometimes.
It took me a while to fully receive my husband’s “I’m Sorry.” First, I had to get to a place in my healing where I understood my husband was sick; he wasn’t maliciously trying to hurt me. Once I got this, I was more receptive to receiving my husband’s apologies. Before this, I couldn’t allow myself to receive any apology or explanation my husband attempted to offer me. One of the essential pieces of my husband’s recovery that helped me accept his apologies was knowing that as long as he attended recovery meetings or therapy, he couldn’t ignore the reality of the damage his addiction caused me.
Ask your partner what they need to see or hear in your apologies. What type of meat do they need? If your partner provides you with an answer, please take action. Making the desired changes your partner needs to see can improve your partner’s ability to receive your apologies. Trusting and believing sex addicts when they express remorse for their actions is scary as hell for us. You may have to apologize for the same offense repeatedly.
Tip-toeing around your partner, hoping they will wake up one day eagerly ready to receive your apologies while you tip-toe around them, is probably unrealistic. Your partner is recovering from betrayal trauma, meaning they may not be at a place in their journey where they can receive your apologies because of the following possibilities:
• They don’t recognize a need to heal for themselves.
• You are still in active addiction.
• They aren’t ready yet.
• They don’t know what it will take to believe your apologies.
• They still don’t trust you.
• They don’t understand sex addiction.
• The hurt and pain from the betrayal are still too fresh for your partner to hear your apologies and manage their PTSD symptoms. (This was me for a while).
Don’t despair; pray for your partner, be open to making changes if your partner requests them, and say “I’m Sorry” with some meat behind it if you haven’t been doing so. Your efforts, patience, sobriety, and humility can benefit your relationship and your partner’s healing process.