How do you define “acceptable” or “unacceptable” behavior when interacting with your sex addict? Many of my blog entries refer to “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior, assuming readers have clarified this for themselves. Still, I realize some of you may not have done this or struggle to figure out how. The reality is that making this distinction is very important for our healing, but it’s not an easy task. For many of us, we assumed our partners knew what was “acceptable” and “unacceptable” in the relationship until the discovery of the addiction put us in a situation where we not only had to make the distinction for ourselves but share it with our addict. I hope this entry will help you to define what is “acceptable” or “unacceptable” to you on your healing journey.
I never thought about “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior until all hell broke loose. I assumed my husband knew what “acceptable” behavior was to me after the first affair … don’t ever have an affair again. I didn’t consider other “acting out” behavior because I didn’t know the full scope of what was happening behind my back. Once all was exposed, I had to redefine what “acceptable” behavior was to me because I previously accepted porn, not realizing I was enabling my husband’s addiction.
For me, distinguishing what I would and wouldn’t tolerate meant putting everything in the context of whether my husband’s behavior would hurt me, our children, or the relationship. I wanted what any spouse wants: honesty, fidelity, love, and respect. Unbeknownst to me, I spent so many years assuming my husband understood this, but he was battling an addiction I knew nothing about, and he was in denial. I knew I couldn’t control my husband, but I had to establish what I wouldn’t tolerate and share that information with my husband. With that in mind, I made it clear I found the following “unacceptable”:
– “acting out” behavior of any kind
– lying
– breaking my boundaries
– not working on his recovery program
– disrespecting me in any way
Thankfully, reminding myself of my worth made it easier to hold my ground because what I deemed “acceptable” reflected how I felt about myself. This would later serve me well when I created boundaries. Now I knew what my husband was capable of, so If I chose to accept “unacceptable” behavior, that said more about my self-esteem than anything else. Becoming clear about what you deem as “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior may require asking yourself the following questions:
- What do I want in a relationship?
- What do I deserve in the relationship?
- What am I willing to tolerate?
- What do I need to see moving forward?
- Do I adjust my beliefs or morals to accept the “unacceptable”?
- What hurtful behaviors am I no longer willing to tolerate?
Sometimes, I hear women tell me their addict, who is supposed to be recovering, does the following:
– yells at them
– continually slips or relapses
– refuses to take accountability for their actions.
– refuses to provide a disclosure when asked.
– acts offended when the partner wants to talk about the addiction
– acts offended when the partner wants to question something that
feels uneasy.
– lacks empathy when the partner expresses struggles with triggers
– acts like he’s the victim.
I find all of the above “unacceptable.
Partners may find themselves redefining what is and isn’t “acceptable” to them over time. My tolerance for what I consider “unacceptable” has decreased over the years. As I’ve healed, my standards have increased, and “unacceptable” behaviors are no marriage “deal breakers” for me, not behaviors I’m willing to tolerate. Partners have choices on their journey; deciding what is “acceptable” is a personal decision that can change as healing increases. What you accept or don’t tolerate will differ from others you may know healing from betrayal trauma.
In my opinion, the sex addict doesn’t get a say in what you consider “acceptable” behavior. I don’t believe you must explain why certain things aren’t acceptable. What you deem “acceptable” is about you and the life you want moving forward. Suppose your sex addict wants to be a part of the relationship. In that case, he needs to know what you expect regarding “acceptable” behavior and what “unacceptable” behavior you are unwilling to tolerate.
Ultimately, you don’t have to tolerate behavior that is not okay with you. Some women are never told this, which can be even more challenging when deciphering what is and isn’t okay in the relationship. When I talk about “acceptable” and “unacceptable’ behavior, I’m not just referring to “acting out” behaviors. No one should speak to their partner disrespectfully, keep secrets from them, or dismiss their needs, requests, or desires.
For those of you who prefer a visual example, consider “acceptable” behavior as the food you eat. There are some foods you don’t eat because you don’t like the taste, they aren’t good for you, or you’ve had an adverse reaction to them. When I think of “acceptable” behavior, I tell myself there are some things I choose not to digest, and I cherish the power I have to make that decision for myself on behalf of my healing. Every time a person accepts what they know is “unacceptable” to them, they are harming themselves just as one does when eating something they know disagrees with them. One might even say a piece of their authentic self dies every time they digest what they know won’t serve them.
To be fair, I also think it’s essential for partners healing from betrayal trauma to examine what is “acceptable” or “unacceptable” behavior within themselves when interacting with their sex addict. If I wanted to live authentically while healing from betrayal trauma, I had to establish standards for my own behavior. The following was unacceptable to me, and if I found myself in error, I had to make adjustments as I would expect my husband to do if he violated my standards. It was not okay for me to exhibit the following behaviors:
– Rage at my husband.
– Shame my husband.
– React versus respond with my husband.
– Bury my emotions or feelings from my husband.
– Not commit to my betrayal trauma healing.
– engage in meaty conversations in front of the kids
– discuss our issues with the kids
Even if the sex addict is no longer in your life, it’s still vital for you to have a sense of what is “acceptable” and “unacceptable,” which can serve you in future relationships. Not to mention, if you still have to communicate with the addict regarding children you may have together. You’ve experienced betrayal trauma, and having a solid sense of what you deem as “acceptable” and “unacceptable” in a relationship can be very empowering. A strong sense of security in a relationship is another benefit.
My close friend, years ahead of me on this healing journey, often says,” Yeah, that’s not going to work for me” when confronted with “unacceptable” behavior.” Her comment has stuck with me for many years as I interact with my husband. My job is to figure out what will work for me in the relationship and not accept anything less from my husband. My friend’s comment can be a great response when confronting something “unacceptable.”
I genuinely believe in the old slogan, “You teach others how you want to be treated.” This slogan refers to “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior when dealing with the addict. I say this because, in theory, when people know what you value, they will interact with you in a way that is respectful of that if they value being connected with you.
In my opinion, waving the “But I’m an addict” flag won’t do. Suppose you know what your addict has done in the past, and you are trying to give him the benefit of the doubt as you both heal. In that case, you have a right to specify what you deem as “acceptable” and “unacceptable” behavior with the expectation he will take your words seriously. If there is something you find “unacceptable,” which he knows will be challenging for him, that’s where his recovery program comes into play. It’s your job to make your expectations known, but it’s up to the addict to do what is necessary to adhere to them.
A partner of a sex addict who acknowledges within themselves what is “acceptable” and then dares to express this to their sex addict isn’t a cold, evil partner. In my opinion, the partner is an adult healing from betrayal trauma who loves herself enough to acknowledge what is “acceptable” moving forward to exist in a relationship of honesty, fidelity, love, and respect. This task isn’t fun or ideal, and it’s certainly not romantic, but it’s vital for your healing and the relationship if it’s going to survive. I hope you will consider what is and isn’t acceptable to you.
