ANGER – Friend or Foe for Betrayal Trauma Victims (Survivors, Thrivers)?

Anger is a normal emotion one experiences once they’ve discovered their partner is a sex addict.   After all, how else should one respond when they find out their significant other has been living a double life? Should the partner sing with joy, pat the addict on the head, and tell him, “It’s okay, honey,” or dance in the streets with glee?   They’ve been deceived or possibly gaslighted for years, if not decades.   If partners love themselves enough to know they deserve better, they are probably angry, at least; I hope so.

So, what is anger?   The American Psychological Association defines anger as an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone, or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong.   Anger can be a good thing.   It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems.   

Merriam-Webster defines anger as a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism.

Internet Public librarydefines anger as an emotion expressed in response to an outer stimulus that causes negative feelings because of hurt, betrayal, disappointment, deception, etc.  I like this definition the best because it hits the nail on the head for betrayal trauma victims.

Anger is not all good or bad; how one manages it makes the difference.  According to Mind.org, Feelings of anger arise due to how we interpret and react to certain situations.    Everyone has triggers for what makes them angry, but some common ones include situations in which we feel threatened, attacked, frustrated, or powerless.”  It’s fair to say you have a right to be angry, but how we express anger can positively or negatively impact our lives.

Positive benefits of expressing anger healthily:

• It helps us respond to social settings
• Can increase creativity, energy, and performance
• Source of courage when we need to defend ourselves or others
• Serves as inspiration to change what upsets us and possibly makes us angry, leading to social change 
• Form of survival in some cases
• Motivates us to solve problems
• Encourages us to express how we feel
• Defend ourselves when threatened
• React quickly to threats of danger

Disadvantages of expressing anger negatively:

• Leads to aggression
• Increased anxiety
• Masks other emotions
• Noticeable Physical responses (yelling, sweating, heavy breathing, facial expressions, trembling, and body language).
• can lead to other negative behaviors
• Challenging to get rid of
• Unpleasant for those on the receiving end of it
• It impacts the ability to concentrate
• Rage
• Stress
• Frustration 
• Irritation
• Fatigue
• Headaches

My experience with anger and betrayal trauma:

I raged at my husband all night on the phone when I received my disclosure going from yelling to crying to shaking, verbally abusing him, and then repeating the cycle.  It was not a pretty scene.   My reaction was the same 23 years earlier when I learned about the first affair.   Both times I was experiencing trauma and PTSD symptoms without realizing it.

This cycle continued for the first two to three years after disclosure, with the episodes occurring less frequently and decreasing in intensity.  I realize this may sound like a long time, but I was very comfortable with anger.   My mother is reactive, so I grew up learning this behavior.   When dealing with disappointment, betrayal, and misunderstandings, anger was my tool of choice.  I expressed it in many ways, such as detaching without explanation, sarcasm, or exploding.  Anger made me feel powerful, vindicated, and invigorated, giving me a false sense of control. 

Anger also motivated me to speak frankly to my husband about how his betrayals made me feel.   This time I knew the full extent of my husband’s double life, which was far worse than anything I could have imagined.  Now, I could say what I had to say without worrying if things would worsen; we were already at rock bottom.   Although my future was uncertain, I was angry enough to decide this would be the last time I put energy into healing from my husband’s betrayals.  I knew the road ahead would be one of the hardest things I would ever experience; rationalizing, minimizing, and justifying his behavior wouldn’t do the job this time.

My life became an example of “hurting people, hurt people.”  I wanted the pain to go away, but I also wanted my husband to feel what I felt.  The deeper the pain, the more rage I expressed.  For example, I hit and spit on him in a moment of anger.  Another time, my children witnessed me exploding at my husband before I went upstairs to cry.  My children followed me upstairs to comfort me.  I knew this was unacceptable; I didn’t want to bring my children into our problems.  

Every time I exploded, I felt exhausted afterward; something had to change.  Yes, I had a right to be angry, but expressing it in a way that only made me feel worse wasn’t helping me.  It wasn’t just the raging that was troublesome; I blamed disappointments on my husband, even if he had nothing to do with them.   If the kids didn’t listen to me — I blamed my husband; if I forgot to get something at the grocery store — it was his fault; if I was driving too fast or slowly– it was my husband’s fault; if I wasn’t smiling — it was my husband’s fault; if the sermon at church didn’t register with me –it was my husband’s fault.   You get the picture. 

I didn’t have any problem expressing my anger in the groups either.  Although, most of the people in the support groups I attended didn’t appear as angry as me.   I told myself something was wrong with them because I couldn’t believe they were so calm.  It took me a while to realize anger manifested differently in people; it wasn’t always physically apparent, nor did it need to be.    Some partners expressed their anger through sarcasm, manipulation, or silence.  I once read depression is anger turned inward.  There were partners in the groups I attended who were struggling with depression due to their partners’ sex addiction; they appeared calm but were angry as well.

It didn’t take me long to realize I rarely expressed any negative feelings except anger while trying to heal from my husband’s betrayals.  Now, I had a therapist who consistently challenged me to connect with other emotions beneath the anger.   As a result, I spent a lot of time working on identifying other emotions I felt, which was frustrating and annoying at times.   As a result, I connected with different emotions, such as depression, irritation, frustration, being overwhelmed, rejection, anxiousness, sadness, fear, confusion, disappointment, confusion, insecurity, discouragement, and loneliness.  To this day, tapping into other emotions besides anger is one of my healing journey’s most uncomfortable yet worthwhile benefits of my healing journey.  Fortunately, my therapist never lets me off the hook with this issue.

I believe anger is a part of the grieving process one must walk through to heal, which requires partners to identify, feel and express anger healthily.  For example, anger helped me grieve and identify my losses.  I was also able to sit with the anger I felt towards myself for: 

• not pursuing a therapist after we moved to continue my healing, knowing I still wasn’t completely healed from the first betrayal  
• not establishing boundaries I was willing to uphold.
• minimizing, justifying, and rationalizing my husband’s porn habit after the first affair
• telling myself my husband would never cheat on me again after the first affair based on my assumptions.

Part of my healing meant having tools I could quickly access when I had the urge to react, such as:

• Waiting 24 hours before expressing a concern, complaint, etc.
• Calling someone from my support groups
• Journaling
• Praying
• Breathing
• Meditating
• Seeing my therapist
• Sleeping
• Walking or another form of exercise
• Sitting in nature

Practicing these tools didn’t make the anger disappear, but I realized I could express myself more appropriately, making it easier for my husband to receive what I had to say.  Even if we disagreed, I wasn’t physically exhausted, and the venom behind my words significantly decreased.  I still had a great deal to be angry about, but I wanted to change how I expressed my anger toward my husband.  I loved myself too much to continue experiencing the disadvantages of expressing my emotions negatively.

Reacting in anger versus responding is a lifelong challenge for me.  Today, I must use my tools to manage my anger and identify what I feel when I am upset.  My kids, who are older teenagers, have sometimes betrayed and disappointed me, giving me plenty of practice with this character defect.  I still have one or two good outbursts yearly, which is a tremendous improvement.

I apologized several years later to my husband for some of the hurtful things I said to him in states of rage.   Completing a step in the S-ANON program required I make amends to the people I hurt.  I was at a place in my healing journey where I could acknowledge my rage was a PTSD symptom from discovering my husband’s addiction.  However, I wanted to be accountable for my behavior even if trauma symptoms caused it. 

Is Anger a Friend or Foe for Betrayal Trauma Victims (Survivors/Thrivers)?  Anger has been both in my healing journey.  Today anger motivates me to speak my truth and pursue change without losing my dignity.  Anger is one of the reasons I started this blog.  I’ve learned people will do things that make me angry, but I don’t have to stay angry.  Instead, I get to choose the appropriate way to express my anger or any other emotion.  Knowing I have choices when emotionally distressed gives me true power, control, and a little peace.