A Cost Letter can be very Helpful (Pt. 2)

Why is writing and reading the Cost letter important for your healing?

It’s one thing not to be ready to take this step, but it’s another thing not to see the value in sharing your truth with the betrayer  Sharing how someone else’s choices hurt you is your right whether you stay in the relationship or not.  I don’t know anyone who has discovered their  significant other is a sex addict or has been betrayed and said, “It’s okay, this doesn’t hurt me.”  However, I have met people who did not see the need to take the Cost Letter step because it was either too painful, feared their significant other wouldn’t respond healthily, or didn’t see the importance of going through the hassle. 

However, if you seek to continue in the relationship, it’s even more important to look at how the betrayal hurt you for authentic healing versus wishful thinking that you both “get it now.”  Writing and sharing a cost letter may cause you to feel some pain and the significant other to feel shame; both are doors we must walk through to heal well.  If the significant other isn’t in your life, consider mailing him or her a letter or writing the letter.  There is something very therapeutic about writing this letter, even if you don’t mail it.  You are still sharing your truth by making it a reality by putting pen to paper or fingers to computer keys.

There is no need to lie to yourself; your partner’s betrayal cost you something!  Your significant other’s behavior was inappropriate, and it impacted you.  Whether the behavior affected you a little or a lot, you owe it to yourself to share that information with the addict.  Love yourself enough to recognize what your significant other’s betrayal cost you, know you didn’t deserve this result and when the time is right, honor yourself by sharing your truth with the person who caused you the pain.  Your healing and what you’ve experienced are undoubtedly worth the hassle.

How do you know when you are ready to share a Cost letter?

Answers may differ on this question, but my desire to speak my truth, knowing I didn’t get to control my husband’s response, was an indicator I was ready to write and share a Cost letter.  I could trust myself enough to make appropriate decisions about the marriage if my husband was disrespectful in his response to my letter.  I knew keeping this information to myself was not an option if I wanted to continue healing.  Thanks to the individual work I was doing, I knew I was at a place where I could share honestly without shaming or demeaning my husband.  Therefore, I suggest doing the Cost letter step when the time is right. 

What if the addict isn’t ready to hear the Cost letter?

Answering this question is tricky, but here it goes.  Some of these addicts have Mental illness issues that may be keeping them from hearing how their choices impacted others.  For these addicts, you must walk a fine line.  I think it’s okay to let the addict and his or her therapist know you intend to share a Cost letter to which you expect a response when the time is right.  Discussing with your significant other’s therapist or doctor about the situation and asking when they think the addict will be in a place to receive a cost letter is appropriate.  If the amount of time doesn’t seem acceptable to you, you probably need to make some decisions around that information; not deciding this is a decision.

However, some addicts use this as an excuse because they don’t want to hear a Cost letter much less than respond to one.  As far as they are concerned, they are doing the work to stay sober, so why rehash the past.  If this is the situation again, you probably need to choose how important it is for your significant other to have genuine empathy for you.  Realistically if the addict doesn’t want to hear how their behavior impacted you, why wouldn’t they continue acting out?  These men or women tend to act like something is wrong with you, even wanting to have this discussion.  This person may not be mentally ill; this person may be a narcissist.

You are in a relationship with an adult.  Adults need to take responsibility for their actions.  If they are genuinely sorry, want to repair the relationship, or heal, they should be willing to be adults and listen to how their behavior impacted others.  If the addict is no longer living with the lie that their choices aren’t hurting anyone, it’s even harder to continue to act out, although there are no guarantees.  Besides, in my book, betrayers don’t get to call the shots – you do!

How long should I wait for a response from my significant other after I’ve read my Cost letter?

I clarified to my husband that I was willing to wait for a response while I continued healing, but I wouldn’t wait forever.  There would be no sidestepping.  I wasn’t going to rationalize, deny, justify, or minimize the importance of a response to my letter.  However, only you can decide what an adequate amount of time to wait to share your Cost letter is.

I waited a year for my husband to respond to my letter.  Not because he blew me off, not because he didn’t care.  It took him a year to respond to my letter because of the “shame” the letter caused him.  He said, “he had to walk through the shame to respond to my letter.”  I had no idea it would take him a year to respond to my letter.  After all, I was the one who was betrayed, and it didn’t take me a year to write the letter, but I underestimated how powerful shame can be for the addict.  

Before finalizing his letter, my husband worked with his therapist, sponsor, and other men in his groups.  He knew I put a lot into my letter, and he needed to respond in the manner I presented mine- honestly and with much thought.  I appreciate my husband’s time and effort in his response to my letter in hindsight.  If he had half-heartedly responded just to shut me off or check a list, I would have been furious and very offended.

What was his response to the letter?

Part of releasing control meant I couldn’t spend a lot of time reminding him, “you owe me a response to my letter.”  I continued to work on my healing and live my life.  His response to my Cost letter was the elephant in the room, but I wasn’t suffocating or struggling to function.  I trusted my husband would give me a response, and if I got to a point where I felt enough time had gone, I would have addressed the issue, but I didn’t have to.

My husband read his response to my Cost letter a year later with our marriage therapist present.  He addressed every issue I stated in my letter with sincerity.   I could tell he wasn’t just going through the motions to shut me up.  He didn’t try to justify his poor choices, and he took full responsibility for his actions.  One of the things he said hurt him the most was how his actions impacted my sexual self-esteem because he had no idea I felt the way I did.  He has always admittedly said his actions had nothing to do with me.  I was at peace with my husband’s response to my Cost letter.  It was a sad peace; I didn’t feel like a champion who won a boxing match.

Why is this healing for the relationship?

Our marriage therapist said something that still resonates with me today.  She told us the  Cost letter was about being on the same page of agreement regarding how my husband’s poor choices impacted my life, how it hurt others, and how it hurt the marriage.  She explained that a marriage couldn’t repair properly if both parties don’t agree about how the choices hurt the spouse.  It’s like having the facts in a book that never changes over the years; when we pull the book off the shelf, it will always read the same because the information doesn’t change.  So we needed to agree on how this chapter of our marriage looked, acknowledge the stinky, nasty truth, acknowledge the pain and the loss.  This acknowledgment allowed us to grieve the losses together, which was painful but necessary.

#BetrayedNotBroken