Writing and sharing a Cost letter was a significant step in my healing process. Although this took place years ago, I must share my experience with this and stress how vital writing and sharing a Cost letter can be in the healing process- when the time is right. I hope my experience with the Cost letter will resonate with some and motivate others. Verbalizing your truth is an act of self-love, and I believe you are worth it! I hope you will continue reading as I share my experience and thoughts regarding the Cost Letter.
I can’t remember how many years passed in my healing process before I started writing the Cost letter; I think it was Year Four or Five of my recovery. Frankly, I probably should have written it earlier, but I wanted to write it from a place of calm. Someone told me to be clear about my intention for writing the letter. Was it to cuss my husband out? Was I writing the letter because everyone else in my recovery circle was doing a cost letter? Was I writing a cost letter in hopes of changing his behavior or ensuring he wouldn’t act in the future? My husband knew he messed up, and he knew he was sick. If my letter had been a long rant of the obvious, I don’t think it would have had much impact. A lot was riding on the Cost letter. I knew if my husband responded to the letter without humility (anger, denial, sarcasm- you get the picture), the marriage would be over.
So, what was my intention in writing the Cost letter?
I wanted my husband to hear me and try to place himself in my shoes as I painted an honest picture of what it was like for me when he was in “active” addiction and what it was like now that he was in recovery. I was coming clean with my truth to be understood. He needed to know how his betrayals impacted different aspects of my life. I knew I didn’t need to justify why I felt what I felt. Reflecting on past hurts and writing them down took some vulnerability because you can read a cost letter all day long, edit it several times, and get feedback from many. Still, you don’t get to control how the betrayer will receive the letter. I was placing something valuable in his lap and what he chose to do with it was up to him.
I didn’t worry about sparing his feelings or how he would receive the letter wondering Will he act out? Will he leave? A true co-dependent might choose not to be completely honest, sacrificing telling their truth out of fear of how the betrayer will respond, but I worked too hard on the letter to do that. I had to release the outcome knowing my husband’s response would serve as information regarding, Would he get it? Was he able to be empathic? Could he own his choices and how they impacted others? Besides, my husband had been recovering from his addiction for a few years. He had two support groups, a sponsor and a therapist who would be there for him if the shame was too much. How my husband received my Cost letter was not my responsibility.
Why communicate through a letter? Why not talk it out?
I love to talk, and I consider myself a good verbal communicator, but here is the thing, this addiction isn’t like talking about your husband’s bad day at work or complaining to him about helping more around the house. This addiction is a beast that causes a wide range of responses and emotions in partners that can change by the hour in the beginning. For me, intentionally sitting down and acknowledging the ways my husband’s poor choices impacted my children and me was something that had to be written down and reviewed several times. In addition, you can’t be in denial when you are writing this type of letter. I had to get honest to be authentic in my writing.
However, there was room for discussion. It’s not like I was going to read the Cost letter; nod my head in agreement with my husband afterward and skip out of the room, never to discuss the letter again. There should be room for discussion after the Cost letter is read, at least there was in my case. The Cost letter served as a document we could come back to while having a discussion. Furthermore, the betrayer is expected to respond to the letter in actuality, the Cost letter, and be the beginning of true reconciliation or affirmation of what has taken place.
How did I go about writing the letter?
Someone suggested I write the letter by asking myself what aspects of my life I felt were impacted by my husband’s addiction. The answer was emotionally, physically, sexually, mentally, the ability to trust me and my parenting. For some career, health, and social interactions may be areas where the addiction impacted you. Sex addiction affects partners differently; there is no shame in admitting how someone’s addiction impacted your life; there is no formula to honesty. So I approached the letter with brutal honesty. I told myself it was like reporting a story “this is what happened, and this is how it impacted me,” plain and straightforward; no yelling, screaming, or emotional outburst. Additionally, this wasn’t the time for unproductive self-talk such as this is stupid, this shouldn’t have impacted my life this way, or maybe I am being too harsh; perhaps it wasn’t that bad.
Taking an honest look at how the addiction impacted my life was painful. It was like taking off protective sunglasses and facing the bright sun. Facing the sun can be painful to the eyes, but there is also beauty in the sun if you are willing to look. I couldn’t rationalize, minimize, justify, or deny his behavior and how it impacted me. I had to do my work to recognize how the addiction hurt me. It took even more energy to write the words down and share them, but it helped me make a realistic and honest observation of the many ways my husband’s choices hurt me. I could see the beauty in honoring my pain by being completely honest with myself.
What was sharing the letter with my husband like?
I shared the letter with my therapist and two close friends. I revised it several times before finally reading it to my husband with his therapist, who was also our marriage therapist. I requested my husband’s therapist be present when I read the Cost letter for several reasons: (1) I wanted her to know I wasn’t trying to shame my husband. (2) I felt like she could help him process the letter later if she heard it. (3) The therapist could see my husband’s response to my letter with his body language, tone, demeanor, and ability to process the information healthily. (4) I wanted her to know what I had dealt with and was still dealing with in healing from my husband’s betrayals. I also requested a response to my letter, so I wanted her to know my husband’s response.
I appreciated the therapist’s presence because she didn’t let me just read the letter. She would interrupt me from time to time and ask my husband, “Did you understand that?” “Do you understand why this was so painful? She encouraged my husband to listen intently to what I had to say, which I appreciated. I saw her take notes. I knew she would review them and go over them with my husband later. Although reading the Cost letter wasn’t easy for me, and tears were running down my face, I felt validated at the moment. My husband needed to know how he hurt me and the struggles I was still wrestling with due to his betrayals.
What was my husband’s response/demeanor while I read the letter?
I went into the appointment knowing I was doing something significant – I was being completely vulnerable. I couldn’t control how my husband received my letter; I could only tell my truth and be prepared to make decisions based on how my husband responded. Thankfully, he listened intently. He looked awful, like someone on trial who knew he was GUILTY. He cried at times and rubbed his face and forehead. Honestly, I rarely had seen my husband like this. However, I needed him to be in my shoes, not think of himself and try to feel what I felt. Did he do it perfectly? No, but he wasn’t defensive, dismissive, rude, sarcastic, or anything that would have put me in a position to leave the marriage. Instead, he genuinely heard me and affirmed the data.
Why does the addict need to hear how their choices impacted you?
I honestly do not think the addict thinks about how their choices might affect their significant other before taking the plunge and committing the act. The addict is too busy in the ritualization cycle, leading to performing the dirty deed and the pleasure they are about to enjoy, to think about anyone else but themselves. I once heard a recovering sex addict say he didn’t think about his wife or anyone else when he was about to act out; the consequences were not on his mind.
I also believe addicts do not think they’re hurting anyone. Rationalizations like: I want to pleasure myself with porn; this isn’t hurting anyone; Sure, I pay for sex, but this is just a business transaction; I still love my wife; this is “my thing”; What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her; No one will get hurt, or This is just how I relieve stress. Hearing a Cost letter from your significant other shatters, the lies addicts tell themselves to justify their behavior.
The addicts find themselves wrestling with the reality of the ways their choices hurt others. For example, addicts may realize hours of porn may have contributed to feeling irritable with others, causing problems in relationships. Likewise, acting out with prostitutes or strippers possibly contributed to the distance with their significant other, not desiring sex with their significant others, or inability to be fully present during sex. Not to mention feeling a lack of connection with a higher power, a few side consequences of the addiction.
My husband could no longer hide behind the lies he told himself when he was in active addiction. He had to listen to me read the Cost letter without trying to defend or rationalize his behavior. He could not say, “Well, I didn’t intend for you to feel that way,” when I told him how the porn hurt my sexual self-esteem because he could not argue what I felt. You can’t argue what a person feels– if you feel it, you feel it. The addict doesn’t have to like what you have to say or even agree, but as a good friend once told me, “Other people can’t argue you out of what you feel.”
When a loved one shines the light on the impact of another’s behavior, it can be painful, but this is what needs to happen for proper healing. I couldn’t still be in this marriage if my husband hadn’t received my letter with humility or wasn’t willing to hear it in the first place. He owed it to me to listen to what I had to say and respond to it. It was like me hanging up a painting and we were both looking at it.
#BetrayedNotBroken
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