Do you ever feel stuck in your healing process? If you answered “yes,” please know it’s not uncommon. Whether you feel stuck in your healing or your relationship with the sex addict, it’s only natural to have moments of uncertainty. The road to healing has hills, detours, and dips, which can leave us feeling stuck. Stuck is never where you want to stay for an extended period. Before you throw the towel in on yourself or your relationship because you are tired of stagnation in your healing or relationship, please consider the suggestions for getting unstuck.
Oxford Learner’s Dictionary defines “stuck” as unable to move or to be moved. When it comes to betrayal trauma, I define “stuck” as the lack of desire to progress in one’s healing or the inability to identify improvement, leaving one feeling stagnate. Partners who have done all they can but haven’t experienced enough change in their individual or couple healing to believe things will improve tend to feel stuck, leaving them disillusioned, hopeless, exhausted, or depressed.
Here are some examples from my own life:
At the beginning of my journey, I was stuck raging at my husband. I couldn’t express any negativity towards my husband without raging at him. Depression and rage ruled my life to the point of exhaustion. The raging episodes were doing more damage to me than my husband, and I struggled to relax or settle myself. I had to figure out a way to express frustration, anger, and disappointment to my husband in a healthier way so I could function in a manner that honored myself and my mental health.
I was also stuck in shaming my husband, wanting to rub his face in past betrayals. To me, justice meant making my husband feel worse than me, affirming how much better I was than him. I wanted him to recognize how much he should worship me for even considering giving him another chance. In hindsight, I was trying to control my husband. If I could make him feel terrible and recognize his awful behavior, maybe he would change forever. Like the other cycles, this was exhausting, and it kept me living in the past, making it difficult to live in the present – I was stuck.
I was stuck trying to make sense of sex addiction, telling myself if I could figure out sex addiction like one does with a math equation, it would be easier for me to digest. Part of my desire to read everything I could get my hands on and search for resources on the topic was my attempt to understand addiction. Although I think it’s important to understand addiction, the reality is we never fully understand it. I’ve shared this before; someone years ahead of me in her healing told me, “You are trying to rationally understand something that is irrational.” I realized I could understand the disease as best I could, but it would never make rational sense to me. I couldn’t afford to stay stuck trying to understand the insanity.
I was stuck in my future thoughts at the beginning of the healing journey. Much of my time was consumed with worries about the future. My concerns about the future made it hard to live in the present. I was stuck in a cycle of fear and anxiety. I knew it would destroy me if I didn’t get out of this loop.
I also was stuck in ruminating thoughts, which is often apart of betrayal trauma and PTSD. When I went down this path, I revisited the day of disclosure, which felt like torture. As long as I stayed stuck in ruminating thoughts, I revictimized myself.
Stuck in the marriage
Once the addict has some sobriety under his belt, then the question is, “Now what”? Yes, he’s been a good boy. He’s doing what he should be, and now you must figure out what to do. Despite his improved behavior, you may not trust your partner or feel uneasy about allowing yourself to be vulnerable again, which is understandable. My therapist always asked me if I wanted to be in the marriage, and I would look at her and think, I have no idea. Sometimes, I didn’t even know if I liked my husband, much less wanted to stay married to him. I was stuck trying to figure out whether to stay or leave. I finally decided I could take things day by day while working on my healing. I could say to myself, Today, I choose to trust him, and if he breaks a boundary, I already know the consequences.
Additionally, I spent years with my baby toe in the marriage, too frozen and scared to risk more than that, but I finally realized I have to be willing to lean in a little deeper to get the clarity I’ve been searching for all these years. You see, I didn’t want to stay in a marriage because my husband had some sobriety; I wanted the marriage I felt I always deserved.
Our marriage has been two steps forward and a step back. There were times we were happy, enjoying each other’s company as if the addiction wasn’t a part of our lives. There would be days when I was upset, triggered, or angry with my husband, and I would wonder if the marriage would always be so bumpy. The constant merry-go-round was our marriage for a few years. Our roller coaster consisted of reading a couples’ book, which we stopped at least twice, seeing two different marriage therapists, and sleeping in a separate bedroom a couple of times. We were stuck between moments of happiness, anger, frustration, hope, hopelessness, and disillusionment with limited skills to get unstuck.
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I see staying stuck in a relationship as “running in place,” waiting for the addict to catch up. Sadly, I see this a lot. The partner is doing all she can for her healing with hopes that the sex addict will get on board by taking his recovery seriously with a consistent commitment to doing everything possible to achieve sobriety and save the relationship. Let’s face it: running in place while you repeatedly deal with the same challenges is exhausting, leaving one feeling stuck.
These are some issues partners of sex addicts complain about that make them feel stuck in their relationship with a sex addict:
- They are having the same conversations repeatedly with their sex addict without reaching any solutions.
- The sex addict is still slipping or relapsing.
- They do not see the sex addict working on their recovery with commitment.
- No intimacy of any kind (physical, emotional or spiritual)
- The sex addict is sober, but it is still hard to live with him.
- The partner of the sex addict is struggling with issues relating to betrayal trauma.
- Lack of empathy from sex addict.
- The partner cannot decide on specific matters in the relationship because she cannot see the options available.
- The partner is hyper-focused on the addict’s behavior at the cost of her healing.
- The partner of the sex addict lacks the motivation to pursue healing for herself.
- There are no established boundaries.
- Partner is exhausted.
- Partner struggles with resorting to old coping skills regarding their sex addict’s behavior.
- One is ready to resume sexual relations while the other partner isn’t.
Here are some tactics I used when I felt stuck in the marriage:
- I had to learn to have realistic expectations for myself and my husband. My husband was a “recovering” addict, which meant he still struggled with lust, but how he managed those struggles was the difference. It was unrealistic to think he would never have a lustful urge again, which wasn’t easy to accept, but it helped me get unstuck from keeping him under a magnifying glass like my life depended on it.
- I had to ramp up my healing rather than control my husband.
- I established boundaries for myself regarding what I was willing to do in the marriage and what wouldn’t take precedence over my healing goals.
- Practice gratitude.
- I journaled before having tough conversations with my husband.
- I shared concerns with the marriage therapist.
- I tried to express my feelings to my husband, which is still difficult.
- Suggest fun activities my husband and I could do unrelated to couples’ healing.
- Discuss ways to get “unstuck” in marriage with my husband.
It’s easy for couples to feel stuck in their healing. It’s been my experience that having those tough conversations with complete honesty isn’t easy but necessary. There are therapist skilled in helping couples who feel stuck in their couples healing and who are also trying to recover from sex addiction. For me, healing as a couple has been much more complicated than my healing. The way I see it, eventually, a couple will end up in one with one of the following outcomes:
(1) Heal well as a couple to experience a much better chapter without the presence of sex addiction.
(2) Heal well to the point where there is no acting out behavior; you are cordial with one another, but the relationship hasn’t progressed; you have
accepted the “stuck”.
(3) Partner tolerates unacceptable behavior from the sex addict without requesting boundaries or a desire to see changed behavior, enabling the progression of sex addiction – both partners are miserable.
(4) End the relationship
The tricky thing about couples’ healing is it takes two. Both partners must be committed to healing and doing the work to repair the relationship, unlike individual healing. Most of the partners I know who finally left their sex addicts did so because “stuck” got old and “stuck” didn’t meet their emotional needs. Stuck was a place that left sex addicts’ partners feeling depleted, disillusioned, and very disappointed.
I’ve spent the last few years letting my ice thaw at a manageable pace, trusting with my eyes wide open. Is it hard, yes? Do I have doubts sometimes? Yes, but I am so glad I can relax in my marriage, knowing I trust myself while witnessing my husband’s consistent change in behavior evolve.
It’s easy for life’s challenges to make couples healing difficult. Currently, my husband and I are dealing with an issue with one of our children, which has required us to devote a significant amount of energy to our child’s physical healing. This challenge has impacted our relationship and our work as a couple. Frankly, I would say we are currently stuck. Thankfully, we’ve been seeing a therapist for a while who is currently helping us get back on track. Our check-ins and date nights have taken a backseat. I share this because even though my husband and I have been at this for years, that doesn’t mean there still aren’t challenges. Fortunately, we’ve recognized the stagnation and pursued solutions while caring for our child.
Stuck in individual healing
Many partners share frustrations with the speed of betrayal trauma healing. They find themselves falling into the exact unhealthy coping mechanisms. Individual healing is not easy for many. Most partners would much rather bypass the pain of betrayal and skip to a better chapter without doing the work. We all want “overnight” results, but sadly, this is unrealistic. If one wants to heal well from betrayal trauma, one must do the work, which isn’t easy, and it takes time with ups and downs before you get to where you want to be.
Here are some suggestions when you feel stuck in your healing:
- Figure out what you need to feel grounded in (i.e., praying, essential oils, reading, listening to music, meditation, etc.)
- Set realistic expectations
- Enjoy your hobbies and interests while allowing yourself the flexibility to explore other activities and interests that might bring you joy.
- Use setback moments as learning lessons versus beating yourself up.
- Adjust your healing process by experimenting with different healing tools.
- Practice gratitude.
- Talk to someone else who understands the process (i.e. therapist, a person who has also healing for longer than you have, or an accountability partner)
- Instead of looking at everything you need to improve on yourself, give yourself credit for the improvements you’ve made thus far.
- Give yourself some grace.
Today, I rarely feel stuck in my healing, but I quickly make the necessary adjustments when I do. The last few times I felt like this, I journaled and reread material regarding the issue I was struggling with. I regularly check in to see how I feel about my healing. Furthermore, attending meetings keeps me in the reality of my feelings regarding my process. Noticing when I feel stuck and quickly doing something about it is critical.
The thing about being stuck is that it can become comfortable, which is very scary. You know you desire things to be better in your relationship or individual healing journey. Still, the effort to get unstuck can be frightening or exhausting, making “being stuck” the most straightforward option because it doesn’t require much, and there’s no risk. Stuck can be why we continue to accept unacceptable behavior; stuck is reliable, predictable, and safe. However, “stuck” doesn’t fill our emotional needs or feed our healing.
The good news is that being stuck can motivate one to adjust their healing to reach desired goals or provide the information one needs to decide about individual healing or relationship status. Most importantly, one always has choices when one feels stuck. Staying “stuck” is a decision, but the effort to explore avenues out of being stuck is worthy of your efforts, and it’s your responsibility.