Intentional healing can also be considered a mindset that drives one to heal well or not at all. The healing efforts are worth it because of the benefits. If one doesn’t believe they can do the work or aren’t worth the effort, they won’t be intentional in their healing. They may go to a meeting if they can squeeze it in or see a therapist if upset, but they don’t have a game plan for healing. Sadly, these partners don’t even know if they want to heal. They want their partner to behave and fast-forward this horrible chapter in their lives. They become comfortable being victims, settling for their current situation while hoping things will change.
People who tend to be intentional in their healing know what they want to gain from their efforts, or they take one step at a time in hopes of figuring it out along the way. Intentional betrayal trauma healers love themselves enough to know they are worth the effort. They use the pain to motivate them on their healing journey versus letting the pain paralyze them to the point of numbness.
One of the things I hate to see in support groups is that person who only shows up when things go south in their relationship. They share their addict acted out again, or this time it’s worse. These partners occasionally attend support group meetings as if their attendance will fix everything this time. Still, when the addict is behaving, you don’t see them at meetings, yet they wonder why their life seems so chaotic. It’s because they are letting their addict’s insanity steer their healing journey instead of intentionally seeking their healing.
After I received a disclosure, I knew my only option was to heal well. The pain was unbearable, much worse than anything I had ever experienced before. My healing couldn’t be “when I get to it .”My healing was my breath – I needed it to survive, I needed it so I could care for my children, I needed it so I wouldn’t go crazy. I was tired of being tired; I was tired of being blind-sided. I was tired of thinking something was wrong with me.
Once I started my healing journey, it didn’t take long for me to realize things not only had to change in my marriage if I chose to stay, but I had to change things in my relationship with myself. I deliberately chose to scratch the marriage off my priority list for the first time in my married life. My healing was at the top of my priority list after God and my children. I attended two meetings and one therapy session a week for the first few years of my healing, in addition to reading everything I could get my hands on regarding sex addiction. Eventually, I started journaling, meditation, and yoga. For a while, I also got monthly massages and exercised regularly. I told myself all these actions were deliberate steps in my healing process.
My husband didn’t complain because he knew his actions were why I had to seek healing in the first place; if I had to spend money or use time for my healing, that could have been spent on the marriage – too bad!. I have no regrets because my healing actions were what I needed at the time- my emergency room surgery, follow-up surgery, and outpatient therapy for my wounds. I didn’t know if the marriage could survive, but I knew I needed significant repair.
I wanted the benefits I believed were attainable if I made deliberate efforts in my healing. There were a few women years ahead of me in their healing who seemed happy and peaceful. Some of them were still married to their addict, others weren’t, but they all talked about trusting themselves and God. The married partners no longer feared whether their addict would act out because they had established boundaries and possessed a sense of peace, knowing they would be okay. These people did the work and enjoyed the fruits of their labor. I could see a sense of patience in them, which I desperately wanted; I just had to be deliberate in my healing.
My desire to heal well motivated me to put my energy towards healing with vigor, looking to the future with positive expectations versus staying stuck licking my wounds. My journey hasn’t always been easy or a straight path, but my desire to heal well, experience a better chapter and be a better person has never wavered, even at times when I questioned if I was going backward. I thank God for giving me the desire to be deliberate in my healing.
Today, I still practice deliberate actions as part of my betrayal trauma healing. I attend meetings, see a therapist monthly, work with sponsees, read literature about addiction from time to time, journal, exercise, meditate, and pray. I do these actions because I want to, not out of desperation. I am still processing forgiving my husband and considering ways to help others new to the betrayal trauma healing journey. I have the tools and confidence to deal with whatever life throws at me because of the work I’ve done in my betrayal trauma healing with God by my side. Today isn’t perfect, nor do I expect it to be, but being intentional keeps me on track with living a lifestyle that reflects my original healing goals. The decision to be intentional continues to keep me thriving in my healing.
My desire to heal well motivated me to put my energy towards healing with vigor, looking to the future with positive expectations versus staying stuck licking my wounds. My journey hasn’t always been easy or a straight path, but my desire to heal well, experience a better chapter and be a better person has never wavered, even at times when I questioned if I was going backward. I thank God for giving me the desire to be deliberate in my healing.