Everyone told me the healing journey would take a lot of work which I interpreted as climbing a mountain without breaks, water, or rest. If hard work is what it took to heal, I was up for the task. Unfortunately, I thought working hard meant being hard on myself. I quickly found myself battling self-pity despite how aggressively I was working to heal, especially at the beginning. Self-compassion isn’t just for those new to the journey; it’s for all travelers trying to heal from betrayal trauma.
Wikipedia defines self-compassion as extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. The word “perceived” catches my eye in this definition because I believe how we see ourselves during challenging times indicates how we choose to care for and talk to ourselves. Therefore, I define self-compassion as the ability to be kind and gentle towards oneself while healing from trauma through appropriate self-talk, thoughts, and actions when experiencing self-pity or other negative emotions that can influence how one feels about themselves. Self-compassion is the antidote to self-pity, which is good because most of us have or will battle self-pity on this journey.
A friend of mine reminded me I was a trauma victim. She used the visual of me in the trauma ward on a gurney with bandages, one arm in a sling, and no ability to move without assistance. She consistently reminded me healing would take time and beating myself up for the poor decisions of another wouldn’t heal me. First, it takes time to get the bandages off and gain ability in your fingers and toes. Then you must be able to sit up in the bed by yourself, and you’re relieved when you no longer need the sling. Next, you must gain enough strength to stand up without assistance. Finally, with time, you begin to walk.
If your friend, child, or family member was in the hospital in this condition, you might tell them, “Take it easy; healing will take time; please be gentle with yourself.”
Some women are socialized to be caretakers, often leaving them feeling responsible for everyone and their actions. Many women receive messages that it’s their responsibility to keep their partners interested in them. Therefore, if the sex addict watches porn or touches anyone else, the woman isn’t doing her job. So, it’s natural for some women to feel compelled to take some responsibility for their partner’s addiction, possibly as a way of making sense of it. However, that approach is inappropriate in this situation because all partners (men and women) of sex addicts can’t control the sickness of another. To believe otherwise means you think you possess power that isn’t obtainable.
Let me make a few assumptions here:
- You didn’t knowingly seek out a sex addict partner.
- You gave your partner the benefit of the doubt when you questioned things.
- You trusted your partner.
- You had no idea about your partner’s double life.
- You made decisions based on the information available to you at the time.
- Sex addiction wasn’t your first answer to questionable behavior.
- You didn’t know what sex addiction was until you needed to know.
- Your partner is a good liar.
- Your partner was kind, loving, thoughtful, and always interested in being sexual with you.
I’m not a gambler, but I would bet a significant amount of money at least one of those assumptions applies to you. All of them applied to me.
Learning about sex addiction helped me see I had nothing to do with my husband’s betrayals. Of course, I could look back and see how I unknowingly enabled my husband’s behavior, but I knew the enabling would end now that I knew what I was dealing with.
However, my self-critical voice was constantly nearby, making me feel horrible. I found myself fighting the following:
• my perceived slow progress
• Struggle with triggers
• reactive behavior
• a constant feeling of one step forward and two steps back.
Healing from betrayal trauma is difficult; the journey is bumpy, and most of us are ill-prepared to do this alone. Although we want the pain to cease so we can quickly skip to a better chapter, it’s unrealistic. Some of us struggle to change how we interact with our partners after we know the truth. Despite our best efforts, we may fall into old coping behaviors of the past. Sex addiction has already crushed our spirits and hearts; we don’t need to add to our bleeding wounds by being self-critical.
Before receiving the disclosure, I spent most of my life as a self-critical person; once I knew what was going on, I knew my self-critical nature would destroy me unless I managed this character defect. One way I did this was to recognize a self-pity thought and respond to it with self-compassion. Here are some examples:
Self-Pity thought: I should be further along in my healing by now.
Self-Compassionate response: I am human, healing from PTSD and betrayal trauma. I am where I am – there is no need to be harsh with myself. No one is holding up a timer!
Self-Pity thought: There is something wrong with me; otherwise, I wouldn’t have married a sex addict.
Self-Compassionate response: I didn’t know my husband was a sex addict when I married him. He didn’t show me any apparent signs that made me think I couldn’t trust him.
Self-Pity thought: I should know what I will do regarding the marriage.
Self-Compassionate response: I will decide what to do about my marriage from a place of serenity and peace. In the meantime, I must work to get to a place to make healthy decisions. I will know when I know.
Self-Pity thought: Why did this happen to me?
Self-Compassionate response: It’s not about God punishing me, being unlucky or cursed. I took a chance when I married my husband, believing he would never cheat; sex addiction wasn’t even a consideration. Everyone takes a chance when they say, I do,” but we do it because we believe our relationship will be free of infidelity. After all, isn’t that a benefit of marriage? Unfortunately, there is no amount of intelligence, attractiveness, sexiness, faithfulness, or religion; I could have possessed that would have prevented sex addiction from impacting my marriage. I hate that this happened, but I will heal regardless of what happens in my marriage.
Self-Pity thought: Why didn’t I see the signs?
Self-Compassionate response: My husband’s affair and “porn habit” wasn’t enough to indicate he was a sex addict to me, and I didn’t understand what sex addiction was at the time. Therefore, I wasn’t looking for signs of sex addiction.
Now that I know the signs of sex addiction, I don’t think I will miss signs of a slip or relapse, nor do I plan on accepting them.
Self-Pity thought: Why didn’t I leave after the first affair? Then I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of knowing my husband is a sex addict.
Self-compassionate response: I carried shame for something I did when I was younger, which I believed God forgave me for, so who was I not to offer my husband forgiveness for something he expressed remorse for, which I thought he wouldn’t do again? I believed he had made a mistake; I never thought it meant he was a sex addict. I felt our marriage could survive the mistake.
Self-Pity thought: Is there something wrong with me? I thought I was a strong person, but maybe I’m not; perhaps I am stupid, and that’s why my husband betrayed me the way he did for as long as he did.
Self-Compassionate response: My husband’s addiction had nothing to do with me or how intelligent I was. My husband was a sick individual who was progressively getting worse until he gave me a disclosure. When my husband wanted his fix, that was all he thought about; he wasn’t contemplating whether I was smart enough to figure out what he was doing. Once I knew everything, I could make different decisions, create boundaries, and use my knowledge to exist differently in my marriage. Discovering the truth doesn’t make me stupid – it’s about knowing what I will do with my current information, which I believe takes incredible strength.
My self-compassion responses were not excuses for my husband’s unacceptable behavior or a way of decreasing the pain I was experiencing. Instead, I needed to gently speak reality to myself often when I experienced self-pity moments.
Practicing self-compassion isn’t just about self-talk; it can require other actions. First, however, you must practice self-compassion; no one else will do it for you. I’ve listed examples of steps I took when I had self-pity moments, but hopefully, you can come up with some that suit you if you haven’t already.
Self-Compassion Actions:
- I read my affirmations list to myself until I felt better. Previously, I wrote a blog post regarding Affirmations, but if you haven’t created a list of affirmations, I strongly suggest you create one.
- I took naps
- I journaled about what I was struggling with and answered with self-compassionate statements.
- Read the bible or religious/spiritual material on self-compassion.
- Read healing materials for partners of sex addicts that specifically addressed self-compassion.
- I called someone who understood what I was experiencing.
- I listened to uplifting music.
- I gave myself a certain amount of time for self-pity (i.e., minutes, an hour, or 24 hours.)
- Meditated specifically on self-compassion
- I bought myself flowers (I told myself it was better than buying junk food or alcohol)
- I hung out with my friends, who knew nothing about what I was dealing with. There was something about enjoying myself with friends who didn’t know. It reminded me I could have a good time despite my challenges. I didn’t have to deal with them showing me pity, which would have made me feel worse.
- I did something for someone else or volunteered.
- I exercised
- I wrapped myself in a blanket.
- I enjoyed a bubble bath.
- I used essential oils in a diffuser.
- I watched a funny movie.
- I shared this with my therapist.
- I had a good cry
Remember, you are healing from trauma, not a bruised knee; when you yell, scream, snoop, shame, or try to control the sex addict, you’ve backslid in your healing, but you can cut yourself some slack. There is no such thing as healing “perfectly”; it’s a journey where one can stumble, fall and try again often, just like a hospital patient.
I’m not saying there is something wrong with experiencing self-pity. Unfortunately, it’s part of the grieving process for many partners. The past and the present can send us into self-pity spirals. I have come to accept that after ten years of healing from betrayal trauma, I am not immune from the occasional pitfalls:
• exhibiting reactive behavior
• saying hurtful things to my husband
• getting stuck in the past
• experiencing triggers
Today, I can quickly acknowledge I’m regressing in my healing without beating myself up because I can’t afford to stay in self-pity for too long. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told myself, “You are healing from trauma which is a journey you never anticipated traveling. You’ve made great progress, but you still make mistakes from time to time, be gentle, patient, and loving towards yourself and trust the process” – this is what self-compassion is to me: I pray you give some to yourself!