One of the most common questions betrayed partners ask that drives me crazy! But I get it.
“How long will it take my partner to be sober and completely recovered (when will his behavior stop)? This is a common question many partners of sex addicts ask at the beginning of their healing journey. I, too, asked the same question of my therapist and others further along in their healing because I didn’t understand sex addiction. I wanted to know if there was a chance my husband could maintain sobriety or whether I needed to leave him immediately. This desire for quick answers kept me in a constant state of anxiety.
Some partners would like to envision a life with a “recovered sex addict” instead of a life with an addict who struggles repeatedly to recover. However, partners don’t always get the desired result, much less in the timeframe they deem adequate. I don’t say this to be negative; I say this to be honest and practical. Most partners seem to be willing to give the relationship a chance if the addict stops the behavior, but my question for you is, What are you going to do while the addict figures things out?
Asking how long it will take for your partner to recover is a fair question. My gripe is the “unhealthy’ intentions behind the question. Some partners ask the question, thinking they can expedite their partner’s process, while others ask because they have no intention of seeking healing for themselves; they just want their partner to recover quickly. If they could forget and move on, that would be even better. Some partners ask the question because they are focused on how quickly the partner can go back to being a “good boy,” so they can live as if “sex addiction” never existed. Unfortunately, fear of abandonment or low self-esteem can also impact intentions, which can drive partners to feel compelled to control the sex addict.
Yes, the addict’s behavior is the problem, but partners would serve themselves better by focusing on their healing versus putting everything “on hold” until the magical day of transformation happens for their sex addict. When I hear betrayed partners’ concern for how quickly the sex addict can recover. I’m left asking myself, What about your healing? What about how your addict’s behavior has impacted you? One may choose to ignore the harm their sex addict caused because it might be too painful, but their healing is critical; it shouldn’t take a back seat to their sex addict’s recovery timeline. As long as they’re spinning their wheels, wondering how long it’s going to take their sex addict to recover, they aren’t using that energy on themselves.
For some, it’s easier to busy themselves focusing on how long it will take their partner to recover, rather than focusing on their own healing. Although they didn’t cause their partner’s acting out. It’s essential to invest some energy into their healing. The harm the sex addict caused can’t be solved with a shopping spree, raging at the sex addict, or a bottle of wine; I know I tried all three, but eventually I realized those things only made me feel good for a moment. I needed real healing that would last. Healing can be different for everyone, and part of the journey for partners is discovering what aids them best. Partners can greatly benefit from honestly examining how their sex addict’s behavior hurt them, instead of telling themselves, “Well, it’s okay after all, he/she is sick!”
Recovering from sex addiction isn’t like dealing with a cold that could be easily overcome with chicken noodle soup, rest, and medication. After all, we are talking about an addiction. There is research showing strong similarities between the brains of active drug users and active sex addicts. This shocked me at first, but when one thinks about how dopamine (the pleasure and reward part of the brain) is similarly activated in both types of addicts when engaging in their addiction, it makes sense. Both addicts struggle to fight the urge to engage in an activity they know is harmful to themselves and others; you can’t deny the similarities.
Both types of addicts can also become desensitized to their drug, needing more of it to experience the same dopamine high. For some sex addicts, this can mean a change in the different types of porn viewing, an increase in the amount of porn viewing, or taking the addiction to another level in terms of the type of behavior and frequency (i.e., affairs, chatrooms, prostitutes – you get the picture). Additionally, both types of addicts show stimulation in the part of the brain where emotional processing takes place, and the part of the brain where anticipation and craving take place when active addiction is present. I’m not an expert, but none of this sounds like a quick fix, certainly not one I can control.
The truth of the matter is that the addict doesn’t really know how long it will take him/her to recover. I’m a firm believer that the amount of time it takes sex addicts to maintain sobriety is based on the amount of work and energy they put into their recovery. If they get an attitude about going to meetings, seeing a therapist, listening to their talk about the harm the addiction caused, or responding to their partner’s request for a disclosure or boundaries, they aren’t there yet, not even close.
Do I believe someone can recover from sex addiction? Yes, but the partner will always be a sex addict, just one not in “active addiction”. Half of the battle for the sex addict is recognizing his/her illness in the first place. If the sex addict can do that, then perhaps the sex addict will seek recovery with humility and honesty.
By the time I received the disclosure, my husband was at his lowest point. I didn’t have to worry about him not taking responsibility for the damage his choices caused or a lack of humility. My husband knew he was sick, and he couldn’t heal himself. He already spent years trying to manage his addiction on his own, which only escalated over time. Neither one of us knew how long it would take for my husband to “recover” from sex addiction, but we both knew he couldn’t “white knuckle it”. My husband was ready to make a serious commitment to his recovery.
The sex addict’s sobriety status can change at any moment, so a commitment to maintenance on his/her part makes the most sense. My husband knows he must stick to some type of plan for the rest of his life. He has dealt with challenges pertaining to his job, our children, family members, our marriage, just to mention a few, but he used his program instead of abandoning it, which has allowed him to maintain sobriety even during challenging times.
In my opinion, the question isn’t, “How long will it take for my partner to recover?” The more appropriate question might be, “What do I need to do to heal from the trauma my partner’s actions have caused?” Yes, the sex addict may recover, which is wonderful, but if the partner hasn’t done their betrayal trauma healing work, they’ll be interacting with someone who is doing better, but they are still resentful, experiencing triggers, emotionally exhausted, depressed, resentful, out of touch, angry, and hurting while smiling telling themselves, “I’m so glad my partner has sobriety now.” The sex addict may have sobriety, but how much healing does the partner have? If all of the partner’s efforts have been spent monitoring their addict’s recovery timeline, my guess is they don’t have much.
When I started my betrayal trauma healing journey, I was told it would take five years maximum. After three years, I started seeing a new therapist who worked with many sex addicts who expressed that it was more like seven to ten years. I was so mad, thinking Are you serious? It’s going to take that long for him to beat this thing! After I calmed down, I told myself, “Well, I’m going to continue to work on my healing because if I’m still married to him in 7-10 years and he can’t kick this thing, I don’t want to feel like I wasted my time”.
I couldn’t hold my breath or put my life on hold while I waited for someone who was sick to recover without any guarantees for sobriety. The more I worked on my own healing, the less I worried about my husband’s recovery timeline. He was going to meetings, seeing a therapist, and working with a sponsor. I knew he was aware of my boundaries, but more importantly, I knew what I would and would not tolerate. Yes, I wanted my husband to maintain substantial sobriety because that was the only way we had any chance of moving forward as a couple, but it wasn’t my job to be my husband’s timeline keeper.
My healing efforts helped me realize I would know if it was time to leave. If my husband chose to leave, I would be okay. Fortunately, I could see consistent change over time, which made staying in the marriage while working on my healing easier. I didn’t feel like I was running in place waiting for a desired result. With time, I was ready to work on the marriage once I saw my husband could maintain some sobriety. I will say that in the 13 years my husband has been in recovery, he’s slipped once without relapses.
The time frame I was given by my therapist regarding how long it would take my husband to maintain sobriety to the point that sex addiction wasn’t a primary issue in our relationship was proven true. However, I didn’t deal with several slips and relapses. My husband lives each day knowing he’s a recovering sex addict and does what he needs to in order to maintain his sobriety.
How long will it take my partner to recover from sex addiction? It is a valid question, but not an easy one to answer, especially depending on the intention behind the question. Ironically, the main person who can expedite or prolong recovery is the addict, not the partner. I realize all addicts may slip or relapse after having substantial sobriety for a variety of reasons. Addiction is powerful, and life can be challenging. If addicts don’t have a healthy recovery in place, they are more vulnerable to slips and relapses, which their partners can’t control.
Let’s be honest, partners know if their sex addict is making progress or not and whether the relationship is improving. The sex addict also knows if he/she is making progress in their recovery, if they are practicing honesty, they may even share some of the information with their partner, in hopes of increasing intimacy and keeping the partner abreast of their progress. I think the other part of How Long Will It Take? is asking oneself, How long can they be in the relationship while the sex addict recovers? The betrayal trauma healing work partners do will provide them with healthy intentions when asking How Long Will it Take? They will know when time is up or not.
