In keeping with the spirit of the season, I wanted to share what I appreciate about my husband’s recovery efforts. I know this may sound crazy, after all, I usually post comments that reflect the sex addict in a negative light. However, I don’t think all sex addicts are scum of the earth or narcissists. Some sex addicts take their recovery more seriously than others. Some addicts feel remorse for the harm they’ve caused others and yearn for the opportunity to do the work required to restore relationships with those they’ve hurt. It’s not fair to categorize all sex addicts.
I appreciate my husband providing me with a disclosure. He didn’t respond negatively when I asked for a disclosure. However, I couldn’t understand why my husband felt the need to consult with a therapist first to prepare a disclosure, until I received it. I appreciate my husband providing me with a picture of the origins, depth, and scope of his addiction. It took a great deal of courage to be so honest and vulnerable with me, not knowing how I would respond. Although the disclosure was incredibly painful, I’m so grateful I received a disclosure rather than a cruel “trickle-down” one.
I appreciate my husband’s response to my Cost Letter. I waited longer than I expected to receive my husband’s response. He explained that shame kept him from responding quickly. Some partners write a Cost Letter to paint a picture of how the addict’s behavior impacted them, in hopes that it will resonate with the addict when he responds.
Frankly, partners recognize the addict will never 100% when it comes to understanding the pain they caused 100%, but it doesn’t mean partners are willing to accept 15% either. We seek understanding and affirmation regarding our pain from support through groups, therapists, and friends. Yet, it’s a different ball game when the one who hurts us “gets it” or at least tries to “get it”. Hearing my husband’s response to my Cost Letter made me feel like he sincerely wanted to understand how his actions hurt me. He acknowledged the pain he caused me, our marriage, and our family.
I appreciate my husband taking my boundaries seriously. I previously shared that I was fussing at my husband, claiming, “I bet you don’t even remember my boundaries,” when he pulled out his phone with a list of my requested boundaries, which shut me up. I knew then that my husband took my boundaries seriously, which made me feel heard and respected.
I appreciate my husband speaking to both of our children about his addiction. My husband has been willing to admit his mistakes and acknowledge how they hurt our family. Most importantly, my husband has made it clear to our children, who are young adults, that I deserved better. I deserved to be loved and respected. For me, that was incredibly validating.
More importantly, letting our children know that we were working on our marriage was critical because they got to see two imperfect people in a great deal of pain working on their marriage. Our children saw we didn’t go straight to divorce as a “first option” even when it was completely warranted. I hope our children never have to go through what my husband and I have gone through, but I want them to know that couples experience challenges that they try to work through before deciding to end a marriage.
I appreciate that my husband works on his recovery on his own motivation. I didn’t have to demand my husband seek recovery; he sought recovery because he didn’t want to live the life he was living. He works on his program, knowing it isn’t a guarantee for our marriage but is necessary for his sobriety. Some may have a problem with this, but I don’t. I didn’t want my husband to “go through” the motions just to appease me. It was refreshing to see my ‘laid-back’ husband pursue his recovery like a person trying to get well, not because of a nagging, fearful wife.
I appreciate my husband acknowledging that empathy is a struggle and his efforts to seek resources to help him in this manner. This is a tough area because I believe if a sex addict were capable of empathy, he or she would be less likely to “act out” in the first place, but sex addicts usually aren’t thinking of their partner when acting out. I believe the betrayed partner deserves to see empathy in the sex addict, but I recognize this is not an easy ask, especially if the addict is a narcissist. Thankfully, my husband has sought resources to help him. I can only speak for myself when I say empathy is just as much of a deal breaker as my husband relapsing. I appreciate my husband taking my desire to see him exhibit more empathy seriously.
My husband has been humble. I can honestly say this wasn’t much of an issue, but I get so angry when I hear of the many sex addicts who lack humility. I can’t stand a sex addict who has the nerve to be “wrong and strong. I just assumed most sex addicts who chose to come clean to their partners did so with some humility, but I quickly realized this was not always the case. My husband didn’t try to minimize my emotions or feelings I expressed regarding his addiction. Nor did he justify his unacceptable behavior. My husband has been good about taking ownership of his actions.
My husband can hold his own. Although my husband has a very calm demeanor, he has no problem calling me out when I’ve crossed the line. There have been times when I brought up things that weren’t mine to bring up or control, which he respectively brought to my attention. When I’ve said or done something that didn’t align with the principles of our healing programs, he’s called me out on it. Have I been annoyed when my husband has done this? Absolutely, we have to be willing to call each other out when either one of us crosses a boundary or acts in a way that isn’t conducive to healing as a couple.
I appreciate how my husband encourages our children to recognize and express their feelings and emotions. I know my husband does this in part because he knows his inability to do this growing up contributed to his addiction. It’s a relief that I’m not the only one encouraging our children to do this. Having the male parent encourage his children to share their feelings and emotions healthily is very valuable. This lesson isn’t easy to teach teenagers or young adults. Both of us encourage our children to express their feelings and emotions healthily, but my husband takes the lead.
My husband allowed me to have my “crazy” moments. I don’t react or explode as much as I used to, but when I did after learning about my husband’s addiction, my husband didn’t say things like “You shouldn’t feel that way.” “Why are you so upset?” “I can’t believe you’re reacting like this.” “My behavior wasn’t that bad.”, or “It was just porn. He understood that I was a reactionary person, dealing with my emotions in the way that came most naturally to me.
When I had my crazy moments, my husband didn’t say much. I didn’t want him to calm me down, minimize his past behavior, or argue with me. There was little he could do to make me feel better. In hindsight, I know this wasn’t easy for him to see me raging, but he took it.
I appreciate my husband’s desire to work on our marriage. My husband wanted to work on the marriage much sooner than I did. I appreciated his patience as I finally mustered enough willingness to see how things would go. This hasn’t been easy; learning to change the marriage dance is an ongoing process. For me, healing the marriage has been more challenging than my own healing. Working on our marriage has caused me to grow up and take a hard look at my character defects. Learning to change the marriage dance is an ongoing process.
I appreciate my husband’s commitment to his recovery. It’s taken me a long time to admit this because of pride. I told myself, my husband is doing what he needs to do because he’s a sex addict, why should I be appreciative? I would rather he not be a sex addict in the first place. The reality is that my husband doesn’t have to work on his recovery. He, like some other sex addicts, can decide he’s cured, he’s not an addict, or he doesn’t need to do any work anymore. Thankfully, my husband recognized how ill he was, and turning his back on his recovery wasn’t an option for him.
There was a time I would get annoyed when my husband went to meetings, thinking, I can’t believe this is our life, he’s a sex addict going to meetings, this is so surreal. I’ve come to accept my husband is a recovering sex addict who is doing the work, which is all he can do; he can’t hit a “rewind” or “erase” button to change the facts, and I must accept that. Just as we do to recover alcoholics, drug addicts, or anyone struggling with addiction. We want them to stay sober and committed to recovery work.
My husband isn’t perfect. I could come up with a longer list of things that drive me crazy, but here’s the thing: he is doing the work to maintain sobriety, he pursues me, we want the same things, and we are both resilient. I am not happy about what brought both of us to our own healing journeys, but I’m grateful I can now recognize the benefits of doing the work.
I hate the betrayals that occurred in our marriage, I hate the pain it caused, and I don’t minimize it. I still let my husband know when I’m triggered or if I’m struggling with something related to his addiction. However, I see him trying to be a better husband, brother, uncle, father, Christian, neighbor, son-in-law, friend, and a better man, which I am grateful for.
My boundaries are still critical, and I’m aware of what he’s capable of, but I also know there are no guarantees in our marriage. I can allow myself to be grateful for my husband’s efforts and share that with him, not from a place of control, but from sincere appreciation for his efforts.
