Are you dreading the holidays because of your betrayal trauma healing?  Do you wonder if and how you will enjoy yourself?  If so, please remember to “Keep it Real”!

Enjoying the holidays can be difficult while healing from the pain of another’s sex addiction.  It’s hard to wear an enthusiastic smile when participating in holiday activities such as trimming the tree, lighting the hanukkiah, or the Kinara when you want to lay in bed, cry, escape or yell at the addict.  However, many of us don’t have those luxuries.  Instead, some of us have little time for ourselves because of the children, family, or friends that surround us.  Not to mention the holiday obligations that can consume us.  I hope my experience with this will comfort you.

For me, “Keeping it Real ” meant being honestwith myself and those close to me about my situation.  I remember my sister came to visit us for Thanksgiving one month after I received my disclosure.  I told her I wasn’t going to do a ton of cooking.  Instead, I would do my best to be pleasant for the kids’ sake.  I wasn’t sure I wanted company, but I was glad she came.  My sister entertained the kids when I needed a few moments, and she was a nice buffer between my husband and me.  She knew about my husband’s disclosure, but she couldn’t relate to what I was feeling, nor did she ask many questions.  She told me her insistence on coming was to be there for me and see how I was doing.

Despite the pain I was experiencing at Thanksgiving, I still felt a sense of gratitude.  Choosing to focus on my sister’s presence, my children’s happiness, knowledge of the resources available to me, and even finally knowing the truth regarding my husband’s betrayals was helpful.  In hindsight, this gave me a hopeful perspective regarding my healing journey.  I knew the process ahead would be rough, but I wasn’t without people who loved and cared for me.

For me, “Keeping it Real” means maybe the holidays are simple this year.   Simple may require you to order your holiday meals, go to someone else’s house, or go away for the holidays.  Sometimes simple can be the best.  For example, I wanted Thanksgiving to be pleasant for my kids, but I knew I didn’t have to go “all-out” to achieve that.  So my first Thanksgiving after the disclosure was quiet, which I needed.

Christmas is my favorite holiday.  However, the first couple of Christmases after disclosure were challenging, especially since my children were young.  How could I create a holiday environment of joy when I was in so much pain?  Didn’t my children deserve to be in a positive environment?  I didn’t want them to reflect on their holidays years later with visions of me being miserable.   However,  I knew the pain of my husband’s betrayals wouldn’t disappear, so I acknowledged my emotions without staying stuck.

Focusing on everything that made Christmas my favorite holiday was how I “kept it real” leading up to Christmas.  This mindset allowed me to decorate the house, bake, purchase gifts, and participate in enjoyable holiday activities.  It wasn’t easy, but that’s how I stayed present leading up to Christmas.  I didn’t feel as much joy as I had previously, but I had enough to appreciate the Christmas holiday.   It was important not to lose focus on the essential part of Christmas for me, the birth of Jesus Christ.  

I found myself practicing a slogan I heard, “Be where your feet are.” to be present with my children, friends, and other family members.  “Keeping it Real” doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means being aware of them and making healthy decisions.  If I felt challenged, I could go to another room, pray silently, text a friend in support, journal, or take a moment to breathe.  At times I chose to acknowledge what I was feeling by writing it down so I could deal with it later.

I chose not to go to my husband’s company Christmas party the first Christmas after disclosure.  I didn’t make this decision to spite him; I loved his work Christmas parties.  However,  I wasn’t at a place to smile and interact with others.  I knew I wouldn’t enjoy myself.  “Keeping It Real” meant being honest about my ability to attend the Christmas party and what that would do to me emotionally.  I made that decision because it best honored where I was in my healing process.

We always traveled out of state to spend Christmas with my parents, which was nice because we needed a change of scenery.  In addition, my parents knew about the disclosure, which prevented them from being surprised if I got emotional or appeared distant.  Fortunately, I did better than I expected.  We didn’t visit my parents often; I wanted to enjoy my time with them.  But, of course, there were moments when I shared some of what I was going through with my mom.  I shed a few tears privately but didn’t let the pain consume me. 

Checking in with yourself regarding potential fears and anxieties can help you create boundaries that help you have the type of holiday you desire.  For some, that means the sex addict isn’t involved or may participate in the holiday activities but leave afterward.  If you are sleeping in separate rooms but have company staying with you, you may have to inform everyone ahead of time to avoid awkward questions. You don’t have to explain, but if you do, ” we are going through a rough spot which I don’t want to elaborate on right now”  will suffice.   Leaving the room or the house during the holiday, even if you are hosting the holiday festivities, may be necessary.  You may want to confide in at least one person who can deflect awkward requests, like a relative requesting a picture of you and your partner kissing each other in front of the tree.

It will help if you make your self-care a priority during this time.  Consider taking a nap each day or when you feel you need it.  You may opt-out of every holiday outing suggestion made by others.  Even suggesting more relaxing activities everyone will enjoy can be helpful such as puzzles or games.  If you can break away for a walk or some form of exercise, go for it!  I left my parents’ house for a few hours to take a mini break, and I tried to walk by myself as much as I could.  It was only two months since disclosure when I celebrated Christmas; I still had to be very gentle with myself.  

I get these suggestions aren’t easy or convenient; no one wants to appear selfish during the holidays, which is all about spending time with friends and loved ones, but it won’t always be like this.  “Keeping it Real” means acknowledging that this year is different or isn’t much better than the years before since you started your healing journey.  This year may require adjustments to honor where you are in your healing process.  It’s okay to ask yourself, “What will this cost me?” before committing to holiday obligations.  It’s okay to ask for more or less help in the kitchen, depending on which option is less stressful for you.  Even if everyone is staying at your house for the holidays and they don’t know what is going on, you can still make healthy decisions for your healing.

Sometimes one must make a game plan for the holidays.  I know some people get triggered by the presence of other family members or gossip.  There may be that family member who tells crude jokes at the dinner table or gets under your skin.   How are you going to deal with that?  You may need a plan.

What does having a plan look like during the holidays?  I remember driving by a place I knew my husband acted out at in the past.  I envisioned this in my mind before going by the area; I took a deep breath and focused on the road.  Even when flying on the plane to get to my parent’s house, I thought of all the times my husband traveled for work and acted out.  Thankfully, I could pull a book out and read to divert my thoughts.    These challenges didn’t disappear because I was celebrating the holidays.  I had to “Keep it Real” by acknowledging potential triggers to be prepared to handle them.

Holidays have gotten much better over the years.   That’s not to say I haven’t gotten triggered or emotional, but I have various tools to use when needed.  I view the holidays as once-a-year events that I want to enjoy, even if that means creating a plan or boundaries.  Betrayal already took so much from me that I didn’t want it to take away my holiday joy as well.  Ultimately, “Keeping it Real” means knowing what you can and can’t handle and making decisions that support where you are in your healing process to create a safe environment that allows you to enjoy the holidays.