The Living Amends (Atonement) or Restitution Letter is a sincere apology that includes acknowledging the past harms, the effects of those harms, recognizing the impact of those harms on you and others, empathy for you, and a plan for showing up differently in the relationship moving forward. The Living Amends letter is not an item that can be checked off of a list like “one and done”. Instead, I am talking about a Living Amends letter, which means the person shares what actions they plan to do to repair the relationship each day moving forward. I am not talking about a death sentence or punishment. I am talking about functioning in the relationship with honesty and integrity so the relationship can flourish, possibly experiencing a better relationship than you experienced before; now that everything is in the light now. (If everything isn’t in the light, it’s not time to offer or receive a Living Amends letter).
The Living Amends letter is similar to the Cost Letter; response; the difference is the Living Amends letter is a letter of action or a plan in addition to acknowledging the past offenses and their impact. Here are some suggested expectations I think the partner is entitled to hear in a Living Amends letter ( the entire list below may not apply to you and your situation):
- What does the recovering addict plan to do to stay sober? (see a therapist, attend group meetings, Check-in with an accountability partner, read literature, attend workshops, etc.?
- What does the addict plan on doing if he slips? (this could also be part of your boundaries)
- Is he willing to initiate weekly or monthly check-ins regarding his progress?
- Is the addict willing to do what you want to see even if he’s not crazy about the idea?
( initiate a weekly date night, go to a couples counselor, seek couple resources for both of you, pray together, etc. Is he willing to participate in activities that you find helpful or healing even if he isn’t enthusiastic about them?
- Does the addict plan to live a life of integrity, and how does he plan to do that?
- If a Living Amends is due to other family members or children (when appropriate), do they plan on doing that?
- Will the partner’s actions be directed by behaving in a way that makes you feel safe in light of what happened in the past? Again, you don’t want to shame the addict, but the addict needs to live in enough awareness to know making you feel safe is essential. Furthermore, what you need to feel safe in the relationship today may be different a month or five years from now. Can the sex addict adjust and deal with that?
My husband was already doing something things as part of honoring the process of healing the marriage, such as:
- attending meetings
- seeing a therapist
- He consistently changed the television if anything triggering was on, such as a story about infidelity or nudity.
- He also changed the radio station if songs were playing on the radio that could potentially trigger me.
- Texting me if he was going to be home late.
- Requesting not to be privy to the home computer password.
- Giving me the code to access his cellphone.
- Carrying my boundaries in the Notes section on his cell phone.
I didn’t request any of these actions; my husband initiated them.
By this point in our process, my husband had a pretty good idea of what a Living Amends letter to me should look like from his therapist, people in his recovery groups, books, the marriage therapist, and his sponsor. It wasn’t my job to tell him what I wanted in the Living Amends letter. Besides, how authentic would the letter have been if I told him what to put in it? I could only control how I chose to receive the Living Amends letter, which I knew I could do because I no longer doubted my intuition.
A year ago, I received my Living Amends letter in Year Eight of my healing process. My husband already addressed what his poor choices cost me and our marriage in response to the earlier Cost letter. However, this was an opportunity for my husband to show he understood he owed me something. He understood some rebuilding needed to occur, which we were doing, but he had to own most of it. Besides, I always knew I wouldn’t let my husband slide without giving me the Living Amends letter.
How could I let my husband slide on such a significant step? I loved myself enough to know I was entitled to a Living Amends letter, and the marriage could only progress so far without it. I wasn’t holding my breath for the Living Amends letter or nagging my husband for it either. I knew my husband was working on a program, and I would receive the Living Amends letter when he could provide one. I still had plenty of work to do on myself in the meantime; there were so many other pieces of the marriage that needed healing before a Living Amends letter became a pressing issue.
Some addicts wait until they are on Step Nine of the Sexohlics 12 steps program. Step Nine states, “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” So receiving a Living Amends letter can take a while. Others offer a Living Amends letter before they’ve reached Step Nine at the suggestion of a therapist, sponsor, or the addict feels ready to provide the Living Amends letter. I am not saying this only applies to addicts working in a 12 Step program; the addict’s partner is entitled to an Amends not because a recovery program suggests it but because it’s the right thing to do. There isn’t much the addict can do for the “significant other” in repayment for the offenses. Therefore, a Living Amends letter is the least the addict can offer, and he should want to do it.
Preparing a Living Amends letter requires a considerable amount of humility from the addict. I don’t feel most sex addicts possess initially, and sadly some never do. It’s easier for the addict to stomp his feet in protest saying, “I’ve been sober for xxx years, I shouldn’t have to provide a Living Amends letter, I’ve already apologized many times,” than it is to swallow his pride, fight the shame and provide a sincere Living Amends letter to the person he has betrayed. Suppose the partner is on the receiving end of this. In that case, the addict is more concerned about what’s comfortable for him versus what can help the significant other or the relationship heal.
Fortunately, my husband found a way to give me the type of Living Amends letter we both knew I deserved. I deserved to know his plan for showing up differently in the marriage moving forward. I deserved to know he desired my forgiveness, and he was willing to do what was necessary to earn my trust. The Living Amends letter can’t undo the past, but it answers questions such as, What do you plan to do now? How do you plan on making things better? How do you plan on staying sober? Knowing my boundaries and what I want in the marriage moving forward, what do you plan on honoring my expectations? Can you realistically meet my expectations?
Even if the relationship has ended, it’s still beneficial for the partner to know they are entitled to an Amends even if they never receive one; someone caused harm, and the offender should repair the damage. The weight is on the addict’s shoulder, not yours, making it easier to get on with your life. In addition, an addict’s refusal to give you an Amends of any kind is information to you about where the addict is in his recovery.
I learned early in my progress there are four parts to a sincere apology:
- “I am sorry for ______________________ please accept my apology.”
- “My actions harmed you in the following ways ______________________.”
- I am sure my offense made you feel ___________________________________.
- This is what I plan to do differently moving forward _______________________________.
The Living Amends letter encompasses all of the steps listed above. I loved this so much that I taught this to my children when they were in Middle School.
Many partners of sex addicts hear “I am sorry” repeatedly before the addict comes clean or begins recovery. For partners of sex addicts, “I am sorry” becomes meaningless words given to defuse various emotions at the moment that don’t offer any lasting comfort; they only pacify you until the next offense. Especially if you’ve heard “I am sorry” more times that you care to count. “I am sorry” is not an Amends.
I have often heard this type of letter referred to as a Restitution letter. Restitution is defined as “the restoration of something lost or stolen to its original owner or recompense for injury or loss.” I like this definition because it speaks to the damage you endured, the damage to the relationship and possible harm to your family caused by the addict’s actions, and the need for the addict to do his best to restore the damage he created. The Amends letter is the addict’s restitution to you.
My husband wrote the Living Amends letter with humility, owning his actions and the damage they caused me without using rationalization or justification. My husband also acknowledged the difficulty in trying to put himself in my shoes. He admitted he hadn’t experienced anything close to what he had put me through. This acknowledgment was one of the most critical pieces of the Living Amends letter for me because my husband had to admit his actions put me through something he hadn’t experienced himself. He understood healing from his betrayals was no easy task. I wasn’t being dramatic or hanging on to pain to make him feel bad. It would take years to fully heal from years of betrayal, regardless of how quickly he wanted to move on. I still experience triggers from time to time, and I know many women who are years ahead of me on their healing journey who say the same thing. However, the healing process is ongoing, so the Amends from the addict should be ongoing or “living” too.
Hearing the Living Amends letter reminded me of all the pain I experienced due to my husband’s betrayals. I felt sad when I thought of the marriage I wanted versus my real marriage. I also felt angry, which surprised me because it had been years since I had been mad over my husband’s addiction. However, I was mad about the years; I was in the dark about what was happening; years I could never get back. The years of deceit caused me not to trust my gut. His deceitfulness contributed to me being a “make due” woman. You can’t make healthy decisions if you don’t have all the information, and my husband held the key to that information. I realized he was sick and scared of revealing the truth, but the ramifications of his decision to be dishonest hurt, and they had consequences.
It wasn’t easy hearing my husband talk about our past in an attempt to affirm my pain; it felt like a hurtful confirmation of our history. A past I thought I had made peace with years before. I just expected my husband to provide me with a list of ways he planned to make a lifetime Amends to me. However, this was unrealistic; a list without visiting the pain of the past lacks empathy. My husband had enough recovery to know a Living Amends letter required acknowledging and owning the pain of the past. Now, I can see that visiting the past was part of the grieving process I needed to sit with before moving forward.
As you can tell, receiving the Living Amends letter was not a magic wand that made everything better or guaranteed everything would work out. However, receiving the Living Amends letter was a step towards acceptance, which was still missing from my healing process, but I didn’t realize I needed it. I recently looked at the Living Amends letter I received to prepare for this blog entry. It has been good for me to re-read the Living Amends letter and assess where we are a year later, whether or not my husband is doing what he said, and whether I feel safe in the marriage. Today, we are still on the right path with room for improvement. Both of us are accountable for the Amends letters we wrote to each other, and we try to live each day as Living amends to each other, the marriage, and ourselves.
#BetrayedNotBroken