I know the title is a little vulgar, but when I first decided to write this blog, I said I would be honest. There is no other way I can describe my struggle with managing triggers than to say, “Triggers suck.” They can take your mood from calm to hysterical, raise your blood pressure and wreck any chance of a good night’s sleep. I’ve said it for years and will say it till the day I die-triggers are some of the most unfair aspects of betrayal trauma healing for partners of sex addicts. Triggers land on our laps out of nowhere, leaving us to deal with unpleasant weight that no one else can lift even though we didn’t even put the weight there in the first place.
Triggers stimulate memories or reactions to severe or sustained trauma. I define triggers as situations, words, or anything that takes you back to experiencing emotional distress from past trauma in the present time. A person can go from being in a pleasant mood to anger, depression, or sadness in minutes, maybe even seconds. For some of us, this instantaneous mood shift can make us feel like we’ve made a ton of progress only to lose it over something that may seem minor to others but traumatizing to us. After all, others don’t always understand we are experiencing a trigger.
Sometimes I experienced triggers and didn’t even know it; I just thought I was upset. For example, two years ago, my daughter betrayed my trust; I felt like she was living a double life and questioned if I could believe anything that came out of her mouth. My reaction to her betrayal was explosive. Everyone in the family thought my reaction was a little over the top, but they didn’t realize I was triggered – I didn’t realize it either. It didn’t matter that it had been years without a significant trigger before my outburst with my daughter. Her betrayal sent me back to the feelings I experienced eight years prior after receiving my husband’s disclosure, feelings of betrayal, being blind-sided, and disrespected.
When I calmed down enough to recognize I was triggered, I became frustrated with myself. After eight years of healing, I was still vulnerable to triggers; I questioned whether I had progressed in my healing. Yet I knew the fact I eventually recognized my daughter’s behavior triggered me was progress. My daughter’s behavior was a betrayal, but it wasn’t the same as my husband’s previous behavior; it just felt like it.
I am deliberately using the word “reaction” versus “response” because when I experienced a trigger, I “reacted” without concern for who I hurt, what came out of my mouth, or how I would be perceived. However, one can be triggered and not be as explosive. I know people who get quiet, cry uncontrollably, cry quietly, shake, immediately leave a room, have trouble speaking, hyperventilate, become very sad, or experience several other subtle or unnoticeable reactions to triggers. Regardless of the type of reaction to triggers, it’s incredibly distressful to manage them.
Let me share some other examples of times I struggled with triggers:
Example #1
Two days after disclosure, I went to the gym to attend a spinning class I attended regularly. I found myself in the dressing room, sitting on the bench, questioning why I was even bothering to work out. What difference does it make? It’s not going to keep my husband from cheating. I forced myself to proceed to the class only to stare at the other womens’ body parts. Women I had grown accustomed to seeing for months in the class were now reminders of what my husband liked. I spent the entire time looking at their bodies thinking; I bet he likes bottoms that look like hers, her boobs are perky, I bet he likes those too. I was too triggered to be in the present moment because my ruminating thoughts dominated my concentration. I believe God kept me from falling off the bike in my distress.
Example #2
Another time I was watching a news story about a man who had several sexual relationships with women while knowing he had AIDS. The man ended up in jail, and the reporter interviewed some women who had sex with him, not knowing his diagnosis. My mood changed from a curious observer to rage. I kept thinking; I could have died from my husband’s betrayals; how different is my husband from this person highlighted in the news story? I was mad all over again, and l let my husband know it; even though my husband’s actions were deplorable, they weren’t the same as the man in the news story, but I was too triggered at the time to make that distinction.
Example #3
I remember going to my husband’s work Holiday party at an exquisite location with great food, live music, and free drinks. I bumped into my husband’s previous boss from years ago when we lived in another state. Despite the great time I was having before bumping into my husband’s former boss, I found myself ruminating about everything that happened when we lived in that state several years before that I was completely unaware of at the tim. I didn’t make a scene; I continued to make small talk, but I was miserable.
Story #4
When my son was in middle school, I discovered a classmate shared porn images with him. I blamed my husband, telling him his son was just like him and we shouldn’t be surprised to find out he was watching porn. I immediately started predicting our son’s future as a sex addict because his dad was one. Of course, I shared all this with my husband through mean words, which was unnecessary. I put more energy into criticizing my husband than dealing with the situation of the moment because I was triggered.
I could share many more stories, but you get the picture. My volatile reactions usually included heavy breathing, anger, rage, and sadness. Thank God I had a therapist who explained I wasn’t crazy – I was healing from trauma. Triggers were part of the package deal. Yes, dealing with triggers sucked, yes, they were unfair, but I had to decide to manage them or let them manage me. I learned some strategies to help me manage the triggers because I knew there was no guarantee or magic wound to wave to prevent me from experiencing triggers, but I could be better equipped for the unexpected.
The first thing that helped me was knowing what triggered me because not all partners of sex addicts experience triggers the same way,; what might be highly distressful for one person may not be for another. Here are some of my triggers:
- Being lied to.
- Anything on television or jokes regarding porn.
- Anything on television about infidelity.
- Songs about strip clubs, porn, or adultery.
- A particular motel chain where my husband acted out.
- Hearing other women talk about what they would do if they discovered their husbands cheated.
- Sitting in church when the pastor mentions porn or infidelity in the sermon.
- The name of the first woman my husband had an affair with.
- The mention of cities we lived in where I know my husband was active in his addiction.
Knowing what my triggers were helped me avoid or prepare for them. For example, there is a business in a different state on a major street where my husband acted out. Every time we planned on revisiting the city, I mentally prepared for the possibility of driving past the business. I envisioned taking a deep breath or turning my head as we passed the company. By imagining the situation and how I would deal with it, I had a plan to follow if we drove past the business.
I used to be very particular about what I watched on television, avoiding anything I knew would trigger me. Today, the mention of porn in a movie or television show doesn’t make me want to leap for the remote, but I don’t search for things that I know will upset me, either. Although certain things don’t trigger me like they used to, they can still make me uncomfortable. With time, I’ve learned my limits and set boundaries for myself.
Other strategies I used to help me manage triggers:
- I journaled when I experienced a trigger until I no longer struggled with it.
- I took deep breaths.
- I prayed.
- I shared my struggle with my therapist.
- I shared my struggle with someone I trusted who was years ahead of me on their own healing journey.
- I re-read books that included information about triggers.
- I searched online for ways to deal with triggers.
- I’ve sought meditations for PTSD, trauma, and emotional healing.
- I exercised.
- I waited 48 hours before sharing my struggle with my husband. A good friend of mine suggested this to me several years ago. I used the strategies above, but if I felt triggered 48 hours later, I shared it with my husband. I didn’t do this to spite or shame him, but if I was still carrying the weight of a trigger 48 hours later, I needed to share this with my husband calmly. The reality is carrying the weight of the trigger by myself for more than 48 hours when it was my husband’s past behavior that made me vulnerable to triggers in the first place was unfair to me and the relationship. My husband needed to understand how his past behavior impacted me emotionally, even years after the betrayals.
My husband often felt I wrongly attacked him when I experienced triggers. Our marriage therapist explained to him when I was triggered, I was right back to the pain, even if it was years ago. It didn’t matter how long my husband was sober; it didn’t matter if we were getting along before the trigger, if we had sex hours before the trigger, or if we had a fabulous date night – all of that went out of the window when I was triggered. Her explanation was beneficial for both of us, and I can admit this part of triggers suck for the sex addict when they see their partner struggling.
Although I rarely experience triggers, I am not naive enough to believe I will never experience one again. Thankfully, I can use my tools to manage triggers in a way that is healthy and honoring to myself. It is no fun to lose your dignity or to apologize for outrageous behavior because you didn’t manage the trigger well; having tools in your back pocket is a better way to manage triggers and yourself.
The next time you are triggered, honor where you are without judgment, and gently use your tools to help you manage the emotional distress healthily. One might say this is practicing self-care when it’s needed most.