A therapist skilled in working with partners of sex addicts can be essential to betrayal trauma healing. I constantly harp on the fact that we are dealing with betrayal trauma. For me, betrayal trauma was a giant I needed help slaying; part of that help came in the form of a therapist. However, I didn’t need a good therapist; I needed one who understood what I was experiencing and what it would take to help me heal.
Before I get to the benefits of pursuing therapy, let’s look at the negative experiences some partners may have experienced with therapists. I usually don’t start with negativity at the beginning of my blog entries, but sometimes, you must look at the negative to appreciate the positive. More importantly, these are examples of why some partners choose not to see a therapist or don’t pursue a new therapist after a negative experience. The reality is some therapists have done more harm than good.
Negative experiences with therapist partners have shared with me:
When a therapist tells a partner of a sex addict, they are codependent at the first appointment. Although the label may apply to the partner, I don’t see the benefit in addressing codependency at the first, second, or third appointment because the pain is often too raw. The partner is already trying to digest the insanity of their partner’s behavior and wrap their heads around understanding sex addiction – I think it’s too much too soon. Furthermore, this approach can make the partner feel they are deficient and somehow responsible for the pain they are experiencing. Most partners don’t even know what a codependent is, so why put something else on their plate to deal with at the very beginning of their healing journey? Not to mention, this initial approach takes the focus off the pain the partner is experiencing.
A therapist who discourages disclosure when a partner requests one. If a betrayed partner expresses the desire to hear a disclosure from the sex addict, their immediate response from the therapist shouldn’t be a dismissal. I know a woman who requested a disclosure after twenty years of her husband’s slips and relapses with just enough remorse from the addict to keep her hanging in there. However, her spouse’s therapist discouraged her request without explanation. I believe the partner deserves to have their request honored and respected. Not to mention, this dismissal might create more anxiety because one may find themselves wondering how horrible the disclosure is.
The most important concern should be the well-being of the betrayed partner. If the therapist believes the partner isn’t ready to receive the disclosure or some work needs to be done before the partner should receive it, that’s acceptable. Ultimately, the work to prepare the partner to digest the sex addict’s disclosure needs to take place with the understanding that the disclosure will happen. Yes, it might be painful for the partner of the sex addict, but in most cases, if the partner is requesting it, they know there is a possibility they will experience pain, but knowing the truth is worth the risk to the partner.
A therapist tells the couple or partner they must “spice things up” in the bedroom. I know people who have experienced this in counseling. This recommendation can come across as blaming the sex addict’s partner or belittling the magnitude of the impact sex addiction has had on the relationship. Not to mention, this response is clearly from someone who truly isn’t skilled in this area.
A therapist isn’t truly listening to the betrayed partner because they deal with the clients in a “one size fits all” approach. This approach can make the partner feel like the therapist isn’t listening to them. The therapist comes up with explanations or assumptions based on their experience with past clients without focusing on the client as a unique individual with their own story, concerns, or hurts. Not all partners of sex addicts have the same narrative; they don’t fit into a “you must be codependent because your partner is an addict” equation or a “this should take you a certain amount of time to move forward because this is how long my other clients took to heal.”
The empathy for the sex addict is blatantly apparent to the partner, leaving the partner feeling attacked and unsupported. I know a woman who I consider to be strong and confident who told me of a situation where her husband’s therapist did this in a couples’ session, leaving her questioning herself. Tears rolled down her cheek as she expressed how attacked and unsupported she felt in the session. This example is unfortunate because partners may be trying to figure out if they want to stay in the relationship while still struggling with their uneasiness with the addiction, trusting the sex addict, or just feeling comfortable in the relationship; the last thing the partner needs is to feel like should feel responsible for another person’s addiction.
The therapist tells the partner to forgive the sex addict immediately to the extent that the partner feels the therapist is more concerned about forgiving the addict than the pain the addict’s behavior caused. There is a time and place for forgiveness, but being told to forgive immediately takes the focus off the pain the partner is experiencing, and it gives the partner the message that their needs must take a backseat to make the betrayer feel better about him or herself despite the pain of their actions. I find this so ironic because, in my opinion, this approach encourages the partner to participate in codependency.
Despite these examples, I genuinely believe some great therapists can significantly impact the healing process for healing from betrayal trauma. After reading the examples above, it’s unsurprising that the best therapists are always in high demand.
My experience with therapists
When we moved to the state we currently live in, I started seeing a therapist to help me adjust to the move and the resentment I was experiencing. There was one session where I mentioned my husband’s porn use like I was reading a grocery list. The therapist almost fell out of her chair and insisted we revisit what I had just mentioned. I will never forget that because it was the first time a therapist responded to me that way. It was also the first time I thought maybe his porn use was a bigger deal than I’d been willing to acknowledge. She told me to find a support group. I remember thinking, I didn’t even know support groups existed for this issue. Unbeknown to me then, this was the beginning of my healing journey.
The therapist made it clear she wasn’t skilled in helping partners of porn addicts (because that’s what I thought my husband was at the time), but it was vital for me to see someone who was. She could have tried to help me using her license as a justification, but she had enough integrity to acknowledge this wouldn’t be in my best interest. I will always be grateful to her for putting me on a path of seeking support and helping me recognize my husband’s “habit” was unacceptable, not just a habit I needed to learn to endure.
By the time I received a disclosure, I knew I needed to see someone ASAP who was skilled in helping partners of sex addicts. Luckily, someone gave me the name of a woman highly recommended by several others. I will never forget my phone conversation with this therapist. I explained why I was calling and asked her if she was good at what she did because I knew she didn’t take insurance, so I would have to pay out of pocket. She replied, “I approach the partner’s journey from a trauma model because that’s what you are experiencing.” That was all I needed to hear because I didn’t have the words to articulate what I was experiencing, but she hit the nail on the head when she said this to me. I was in front of the therapist two days after disclosure.
I believe it was indeed a God thing that I found this therapist because she was on the verge of retirement within a few years, which she told me upfront, and I was one of her last clients before her retirement. The issue of codependency did come up, but not immediately because I was traumatized, experiencing PTSD, confused, shocked, heartbroken, devastated, anxious, and depressed. I believe she could see I wasn’t at a place to consider the role codependency played in my unhealthy coping skills of what I thought was a porn habit.
I also liked that my therapist treated sex addicts because that meant she could understand them and the addiction, which I found incredibly difficult to wrap my mind around; she was who I needed to see at the beginning of my journey. She was empathic, affirming, knowledgeable, and comforting. Eventually, she helped me see my approach to being strong as l accepted unacceptable behavior was a painful cost to myself, a form of codependency.
My therapist retired four years later; I started seeing someone she recommended. The new therapist’s style was a little more direct, which may have also been because she knew I had already been in therapy for a few years. My therapy goals changed by the time I started seeing the new therapist. Initially, I wanted to heal from the pain of PTSD symptoms and understand sex addiction. Now, I found myself wanting to be more comfortable in my skin, live more congruently, identify codependency immediately, live in awareness of my character defects, and make decisions from a place of peace. She, too, worked with sex addicts; she even led a group for sex addicts, which was reassuring to me because I knew she understood sex addiction.
I still see her today because although I have come a long way, I’m not yet where I want to be. I take my healing very seriously and have chosen to be very thorough. The most crucial benefit of seeing my current therapist is that she’s helped me know why I function in this world the way I do. Today, I can say I’ve spent years healing from betrayal trauma and making sense of my husband’s addiction to the best of my ability while processing how my childhood and other experiences impacted my coping skills, motivation, and ability to trust myself. My therapist keeps me in the reality of the present and the past, which allows me to move forward in my life one day at a time.
You may be reading this and thinking, Okay, I understand how therapy helped you, but I don’t see why I should have to see a therapist if I am not the person with the problem!
Here are some benefits I believe partners of sex addicts experience who seek therapy:
- You heal from betrayal trauma, which enables you to live a healthier life spiritually, emotionally, and mentally, regardless of your situation with the sex addict.
- If you accept unacceptable behavior, the therapist can help you look at why you do that, suggest ways not to let it continue, and illuminate why it is not helpful to you or your healing.
- The therapist can prepare you to receive disclosure and access when you’re ready to receive one if that is something you desire. Some partners of sex addicts request the presence of a therapist while receiving the disclosure.
- If you struggle to recognize the “uneasiness” you might have felt before you knew what was going on, the therapist can help you give the “uneasiness” the attention it deserves. The therapist can help you listen to yourself and your body.
- Whether you feel numb or rageful, the therapist can help you identify your feelings and suggest ways to express them healthily.
- The therapist can suggest ways to manage PTSD symptoms such as flight or fight, rage, difficulty concentrating, ruminating thoughts, insomnia, difficulty relaxing, unbearable pain, or other symptoms.
- A therapist can’t tell you whether to stay or leave the relationship. Still, they can assist you in establishing what you need in the relationship to continue, what boundaries are deal breakers for you, and analyze the realities of both staying or exiting the relationship.
- Therapists can help partners of sex addicts who struggle with fear of abandonment.
- Motivate you to recognize what you need and suggest healthy ways to express those needs to a partner, family member, friend, neighbor, etc.
- Help you identify any Codependency behaviors and how to manage them or affirm codependency isn’t an issue for you.
- Advocate, encourage, and affirm you on your healing journey.
- Motivate you to stay on the healing journey when the road gets bumpy, which it will.
- Assist you with responding versus reacting.
- Practice self-care.
- Live in reality.
I hope you can see how the benefits can spill into other aspects of your life. If you read this list and still feel you don’t need assistance in the areas I listed, then maybe a therapist isn’t for you. However, I always suggest partners of sex addicts see a therapist to receive a professional assessment of where they are on their healing journey. The therapist can offer unbiased insight regarding areas they think you may need to work on or encourage them to stay the course. Furthermore, there is no shame in getting some help, even for a short time.
Stay tuned for the second part of this blog entry next week!