What to consider when seeking a therapist:
1. Is the therapist specialized in working with partners of sex addicts or betrayal trauma?
For me, I wanted a therapist who got it! I needed a therapist who saw enough sex addicts and their partners that nothing I said would knock them out of their chairs. In my opinion, therapists with these qualifications tend to be effective in working with partners whom sex addicts have betrayed:
Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (C-SAT) receive intensive training with the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) faculty. This training equips the therapist to understand sex addiction, what healthy healing from addiction looks like for the addict, and how this addiction impacts the partners of sex addicts and the relationship. They can recognize unhealthy denial, manipulation, justification, and minimization in their clients.
Clinical therapists or social workers who treat patients using a Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) model can be very effective. Therapists approach their clients with the idea that their issues can differ based on how they think about their problems. They may need to unlearn some unhelpful behavior patterns to practice healthier ways to cope with challenges. I found this approach to be empowering versus blaming. I had the power to change how I looked at my situation with my husband and other people in my life.
Another option is a Certified Clinical Partner Specialist (CCPS) or a Certified Partner Coach (CPC). These professionals support the betrayed partner with careful listening and guidance versus telling them what they need to do. Note coaches cannot provide mental health treatment. I know partners who have benefitted from the help they’ve received from their coach; some have even gone on to become coaches themselves.
These are just a few qualifications I believe are essential when seeking a therapist. You want to work with someone who understands how the betrayal of a sex addict has impacted you and how they can assist you in healing well to experience a better chapter moving forward.
Note: If you are wondering why I didn’t mention Christian or faith-based counselors, I will cover that topic in my next blog entry.
2. Have others in recovery circles recommended the therapist? Support groups are among the best places to get a therapist’s recommendation and who to stay away from.
3. Interview different therapists to see how they approach betrayal trauma. There are other treatment models or philosophies therapists use to work with betrayal trauma. Even if you must see a couple of therapists before deciding who you want to use, it’s worth the money because you don’t want to waste significant time and money with the wrong therapist. I think it’s helpful to understand what they know about sex addiction, what the healing process is like for the partner of a sex addict, and how they approach treating partners of sex addicts.
4. What percentage of their clients are addicts/partners? I wanted to know if the therapist was swimming in this regularly or if the therapist was occasionally seeing clients impacted by sex addiction. I never wanted to be one of the few clients the therapist was seeing healing from betrayal trauma.
5. As I mentioned earlier, it was essential to me that the therapist also saw sex addicts because I wanted the therapist to understand their process and how it impacted the partner. I also found therapists who work with sex addicts are better equipped to help the partner of a sex addict understand sex addiction if the partner of the sex addict desires that.
6. Know your goals and share them with the therapist. I think it is essential to know what you hope to gain by seeing a therapist and whether the therapist can deliver on your expectations. Your needs are indeed yours alone. You are not a part of an equation, nor should you be treated as one. You are a client paying someone to assist you on your healing journey. It’s okay to let the therapist know what you hope to gain from working with them and honestly discuss whether they believe they can adequately assist you.
7. Are you ready to see a therapist? Coming to a therapist with a “fix me, fix my life” approach with no goals in mind and no willingness to do the work to make things happen wasn’t going to work for me. Therapists don’t wave magic wands. Therapists guide our healing journey with knowledge, empathy, and insight, but we must be willing to meet them halfway by doing the work and being open-minded to suggestions. I always think of what a dear friend says, “temporary discomfort for personal growth.”
If paying for a therapist isn’t in the cards right now, please consider the following:
- Find an accountability partner who has walked this same journey.
- Read books for partners of sex addicts, which I’ve listed in the Resources section on the blog page.
- Listen to podcasts for partners of sex addicts.
- Attend support groups, preferably facilitated by a therapist (they tend to be cheaper than individual therapy). If not, general support groups are helpful as well. (feel free to read my previous blog entry regarding Support Groups)
- Read blogs by therapists who treat partners of sex addicts.
If you are reading this and thinking, I’ve been at this a while, but I haven’t seen a therapist, and now it’s probably too late, let me assure you it’s never too late to seek therapy for betrayal trauma healing.
I hope you will consider the tool of a therapist who understands betrayal trauma for your journey because it is a worthwhile investment. If you are already working with a helpful therapist, please share this with others who could use this information. There is nothing like a referral from someone who can testify to the skills of a therapist helping those healing from betrayal trauma.
Although seeing a therapist isn’t the golden answer to our pain and healing, it is, in my opinion, one of the most critical healing tools available. Seeing a therapist skilled in working with partners of sex addicts can help you heal well so you can move forward in life.
Resources to find a therapist:
International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals
Find a Cognitive Behavior Therapist (Psychology Today)
National Association of Cognitive Behavior Therapists
The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (APSATS)
American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy
If there are other directories one feels I should list; please don’t hesitate to contact me at joy@betrayednotbroken.com so I can add them.