Some of us find ourselves dealing with the shame of staying in a relationship with a recovering sex addict quite confusing. If we’re being honest, it’s this shame that can often prevent us from seeking our healing. We say things to ourselves like, “I can’t share this with anyone, they will judge me”, “Who could I possibly share this with, no one will understand,” or “If anyone knew, they would think poorly of my partner.” The question is, what does it say about us if we stay? How do we make peace with this decision within ourselves? I only came to a place of being comfortable with myself over the past few years, which wasn’t easy because I cared about what my parents, children, and close friends thought.
I was incredibly judgmental at the beginning of my healing journey, and I didn’t understand sex addiction. Frankly, I don’t know if I wanted to understand sex addiction. It was so much easier to believe my husband was an asshole. One of the problems with this perspective was if he was an asshole, why was I still married to him? Deciding to stay or leave just wasn’t that easy for me because deep down I knew there was more to my husband than his addiction, he was more of a sick person than an asshole. The thing about being judgmental is that, as much as I can judge others, I’m even harder on myself, which is why I was incredibly harsh on myself regarding my relationship with my husband.
When I first started my healing process and interacting with other partners of recovering sex addicts, most of the partners seemed quite proud to let the rest of us know they were still with their recovering sex addicts. I would look at them with judgment, thinking, you are crazy, you are weak, or you are an idiot. I’m not proud to type this, but I’m being honest. Hence, this is part of the reason it was so hard for me to make peace with the fact that I was in a relationship with a recovering sex addict. After all, I didn’t see myself as weak, stupid, or an idiot. Sadly, the shame I felt delayed me from starting this blog. I have always wanted to write this blog, and I knew I would eventually go public, but I didn’t want to be judged by anyone who would read it. My healing has taught me I can’t control what readers think of me.
I couldn’t process this issue with anyone else besides my therapist. I did not feel comfortable discussing this matter within my recovery circles, as it appeared that no one else shared my concerns. I would look at some of these people and think to myself, did your addict do the work before you decided to stay? This was a question the partner of the sex addict had to answer for herself; it didn’t matter what I thought. In hindsight, some didn’t do the work because I saw relationships end over time, because of the lack of work on the sex addicts’ behalf. I never woke up and said, “I think I will stay with my sex addict.” I think it’s like being married with children, you are so focused on raising your children and so much of your efforts revolve around your children that you wake up one day and realize, you’ve been married a while and you ask yourself, Where did the time go?” I was focused on my betrayal trauma healing to the point that I didn’t always ponder the status of marriage.
My husband was sober, and he was working on a program, which was enough for me to give him the benefit of the doubt daily, trusting with my eyes open. I would work diligently on my healing while observing my husband’s recovery efforts. Over the years, the relationship evolved through ups and downs with uncertainty in between. As the years went by, I focused less on “whether to stay or leave” and more on myself. Now and then, I would stop and think, oh my gosh, I’m still here, I’m married to a recovering sex addict.
My husband is incredibly laid back, but I was able to see him working his program like a man who believed he was sick, not a man who was trying to appease his wife. I knew he was going to meetings, checking in with his sponsor, and seeing a therapist. As a person who strongly believes in “deciding by one’s actions, not words”, I couldn’t deny the effort he was making. My husband was also trying to connect with me on an emotional level, which I could tell he wasn’t comfortable doing, but giving it a try anyway. I also saw a change in how he parented our children. He would try to get them to express their emotions instead of using something to make themselves feel better, as he had previously. With time, my husband slowly shared his struggles with porn with them and his regret for not making their mom a priority.
The more I began to learn about sex addiction, the less angry I became, which was hard because I can do “angry” very well; compassion for my recovering sex addict was beyond a challenge for me. However, I couldn’t deny the consistent change of behavior I was seeing. Over time, I began to think about the amount of courage it took my husband to share his disclosure. He had no idea how I would respond or react. The fact that he took the time to work on the disclosure with a therapist was something I had to acknowledge, as well as his efforts to do the same thing when he wrote his response to my cost letter. My husband was doing the work, which I knew was as challenging as betrayal trauma healing for me.
A few years ago, I found myself acknowledging my husband had done everything I wanted him to do, or I hoped he would do; even attending a workshop focusing on empathy for sex addicts. My husband knew his efforts didn’t guarantee our marriage would work. I’m embarrassed to say I rarely acknowledged my husband’s efforts. There was a part of me that felt like I was not giving him a cookie because he was sober; he shouldn’t have been acting out in the first place; let his SA sponsor sing his praises. I have acknowledged his efforts, but I would be lying if I said I have given him adequate recognition because I haven’t. You see, one of my other character defects is pride. I wish I could tell you I’ve mastered my pride, but I haven’t. Pride has contributed to my struggles with the shame of staying.
It’s been important to stress “recovering sex addict” in this entry because if my husband didn’t seek recovery from his addiction, I know I wouldn’t have stayed. To be very blunt, once I received the disclosure, I knew if he ever touched a woman again in any way, the marriage was over. I adjusted my boundaries a few years ago to include porn being a deal breaker as well for reasons I will get into in a future post.
I’m not justifying why I am still in the relationship; I’m trying to acknowledge that staying with a “recovering sex addict” isn’t easy, and this can cause us to feel shame. Learning to trust again is not easy, and it takes time.
Even though my husband has been sober for a long time, there are still issues in our marriage. Like most marriages, ours isn’t perfect. Thankfully, we’ve done a great deal of work healing as a couple to get to a point where every conversation we have regarding our relationship doesn’t revolve around the addiction. It took some effort, but we at least stabilized that part of our healing as a couple.
Let me encourage you, it’s normal to feel shame about whether you stay or leave while trying to figure things out. However, shame shouldn’t be the ultimate factor in your decision. Others don’t have the right to tell whether to leave or stay. My healing work has given me the confidence and ease to know I can trust myself and listen to that calm, still voice. If I wake up tomorrow and decide to leave, I will know I’ve done the work to trust God and myself. However, staying in the relationship doesn’t mean I’m dumb, stupid, or weak. I choose to check in with myself, God, and the relationship, allowing myself to be present every day. If it wasn’t for the betrayal trauma healing, I couldn’t make that decision every day with my boundaries in place and the expectations I’ve shared with my husband.
Thankfully, I’m equipped to make different decisions if trust changes or I find us going backward as a “recovering couple” instead of forward. Besides, it’s not like the sex addict can’t leave the relationship as well. Some addicts realize they can’t stay sober; they can’t seriously work a program, provide a requested disclosure, or adhere to boundaries; it’s easier to leave than do “all of that work”. Sadly, I believe some addicts are unwilling to make the effort to recover from sex addiction.
Please continue to work on yourself and your healing; your answers regarding your relationship will become clear. I vowed I would never decide about my marriage based on rage, hurt, and pain, which I had an abundance of in the beginning, and it took a long time to heal from all of that. Frankly, my marriage wasn’t even a priority at the beginning of my healing. Today, I can be present in the relationship without forgetting the past, and I don’t fear whether the marriage will work out or if my husband will “act out” – I’ve done the work to deal with whatever comes my way.
If you haven’t done so already, please throw shame out of the window, whether you stay with the addict, trying to figure it out, or are no longer with the addict.
Shame can derail your healing, and no one has time for that. Your relationship with the sex addict doesn’t define who you are or your value. We are all just trying to heal and maneuver life. Commitment to healing can better equip us to decide what we want to do about our relationship with our sex addict, regardless of how long it takes or what we decide, shame doesn’t have to be a part of any decision we make regarding our relationship with the addict.
