Sexual Self-esteem!

Some of you may be asking yourself what is “sexual self-esteem”?  I like Gila Shipiro’s psychotherapist and certified sex therapist definition of sexual self-esteem, “the feelings you have about your body and your confidence level in how you relate intimately to someone else.  It’s what you bring of yourself, both emotionally and physically, to sex and relationships –  what you do with that and how you share that with someone else.” I didn’t see a lot written about Sexual self-esteem when I began my healing journey, and I still don’t, which is so frustrating because the Sexual self-esteem of partners of sex addicts usually declines temporarily, at least.  

Betrayal in the form of sex addiction can feel like a personal offense; the partner chose something or someone else instead of their partner or in addition to their partner.  This reality can leave the partner blaming their weight, age, libido decline, or appearance for their significant other’s poor choices.  Unfortunately, most partners who find out about their significant other’s extra activities don’t tell themselves, “I am still a sexy hot momma; it’s his loss if he chooses to seek something or someone else.” I wish more of us reacted this way, but that’s usually not the case.  

In the My Story post, I explained that my husband continued to watch porn after the first affair despite the marriage counseling, books, and tears involved in our healing.   Even though we were at a good place in our marriage, his porn viewing was so confusing to me.  I wondered, Is this a man thing?  Is this his thing?  Is this just part of our marriage?  Why isn’t he humble enough after the affair to be perfect for me and not watch porn?  I rationalized his behavior by telling myself, Well, at least he’s not physically cheating on me, and besides, we are in a good place besides this one little thing.  I would further justify my husband’s behavior by telling myself, You are not enough, He isn’t screwing anyone, but he goes to porn because he’s not satisfied with you.  Sadly, I didn’t share these thoughts with my husband.

In the My Story post, I explained that my husband continued to watch porn after the first affair despite the marriage counseling, books, and tears involved in our healing.   Even though we were at a good place in our marriage, his porn viewing was so confusing to me.  I wondered, Is this a man thing?  Is this his thing?  Is this just part of our marriage?  Why isn’t he humble enough after the affair to be perfect for me and not watch porn?  I rationalized his behavior by telling myself, Well, at least he’s not physically cheating on me, and besides, we are in a good place besides this one little thing.  I would further justify my husband’s behavior by telling myself, You are not enough, He isn’t screwing anyone, but he goes to porn because he’s not satisfied with you.  Sadly, I didn’t share these thoughts with my husband.

Have you ever had something happen to you that you knew you couldn’t deny was “disturbing” but you were too overwhelmed or numb to know what to do or say?  Two incidents occurred during these years that caused me to acknowledge my husband’s porn thing was not just annoying but “disturbing” to me.  I remember one night we had sex more than our normal number of times.  Yet, I found him watching porn afterward – I was devastated.  I knew this was “messed up,” but I didn’t know what to do.  Should I yell and scream, stop having sex with him, physically beat him?  I don’t remember saying anything to him.  Yet again, I tried to make sense of what I was witnessing, Was the sex not good?  Is his libido that much stronger than mine?  Should I have suggested we go another round?  After pondering those questions, I came to the same conclusion I had been coming to each time I caught him watching porn; You are not enough!  I just tried to sleep in the sea of sadness and shock I felt.

Another incident occurred when my mother-in-law stayed with us after I had my first child.  She wanted to sleep on the couch in the living room because that was more comfortable than climbing the steps to sleep in the bedrooms upstairs.  One night I got up to get something in the kitchen, and I saw my husband in the office with the door open watching porn.   My husband’s action was upsetting, but the risk he was willing to take was even more concerning.  His mother could have easily noticed him because the office was at the front of the house, right around the corner from where she was sleeping.  I thought, Damn, I just had a baby, and I know I can’t have sex right now, but is that serious?  I did give him harsh words, but I had a two-week-old baby who needed my energy, and I wasn’t going to be less of a mom because I caught my husband watching porn for the millionth time.  However, I lost respect for my husband, and the marriage was no longer a priority to me.  I told myself, My child is my priority; I don’t give a —- what he does.

Porn had become part of the marriage package that I accepted.  After all, my husband never rejected me sexually or criticized my body.  We had sex regularly, but I knew something was off when it came to sex, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.    I consistently complained to him that we needed to work on our communication.  I didn’t see it then, but as long as my husband was active in his addiction, things would always be “off,” and the connection wasn’t even possible.  I wasn’t vulnerable enough to share how his behavior made me feel from the heart, so my Sexual self-esteem continued to dwindle.

A few years later, I was at a doctor’s office, and I saw a magazine cover with Dr. Phil on it.  The article was about Sexual self-esteem.  The article was intriguing because I hadn’t heard of the term before, but it was self-explanatory.  So, after reading that article, I thought, well, it’s not a surprise I have low Sexual self-esteem.  I didn’t feel sexy.  I had two children who took a lot of my energy, I knew I needed to lose a few pounds, and my husband regularly watched porn despite knowing I disapproved.  It was as if my low Sexual self-esteem was a deficit like poor eyesight or a massive mole on my face.   I could make an effort to do something about it – if I  had the energy or live with the deficit.  It was easier at the time to choose the latter.  

My lowest point came a few years later when we lived in a different house with a guest bedroom on the main floor that we used as an office.  This room was at the end of a short hallway; one wouldn’t even know there was a bedroom unless you deliberately walked down the hall.  Unfortunately, this room was also the room my husband watched porn.  It got to a point where if he was in the room with the door shut, I knew he was watching porn.  So I wouldn’t even open the door or ask what he was doing.  I can remember laying in my bed thinking, this is your punishment for not being enough for him so you will let him have his porn and not complain, you are sexually deficient, your aren’t enough and instead of getting your feelings hurt by this just be strong take it like a woman.   I never talked to myself like that about anything else but this.  Of course, I can recognize how unhealthy my self-talk was, but I thought I was being strong at the time.  

A few more years passed before receiving the disclosure, which thrust me out of my denial.  Now, I had to examine the past with a magnifying glass and the truth I now possessed.  I could see how my Sexual self-esteem suffered  because I was in a relationship with a sex addict.  I told myself unhealthy things to justify his poor choices to be strong when it was only enabled his behavior and deteriorated my Sexual self-esteem.  Thanks to recovery, my husband had to stop living in denial as well; he recognized and owned how his poor choices impacted my Sexual self-esteem.  

So, you may be asking,  How is your Sexual self-esteem today?  Do you still struggle?  I was very confident in every other aspect of my life.  I never struggled with low self-esteem; I told myself I had a slight defect that I could live with because every other part of my life is good.  Today, I can say my battle with Sexual self-esteem is a thing of the past.  I could easily bring my age, weight, menopause symptoms, lower libido, and yes – greying pubic hair to the self Sexual self-esteem talk, but I don’t.  My Sexual self-esteem isn’t based on my husband’s sobriety, how much sex I have, my size, sexual positions or frequency.  Instead, my Sexual self-esteem is based on how I feel about myself, who I am today, my ability to show up as I am, grace for what I’ve been through, my desire to be vulnerable and honest with my husband and myself.

When I finally understood that my husband’s choices had nothing to do with me and he would have done his “acting out” regardless of who he was married to, I could accept his poor choices were just that -HIS!  Some may say this is codependent, but I beg to differ.  When I thought I wasn’t enough, I was saying I had the power to change or alter his behavior, taking the blame for his poor choices.   Once I finally accepted this was about him, I knew I owed it to myself to improve my Sexual self-esteem moving forward.  I say “finally” because his behavior having nothing to do with me was one thing my husband desperately tried to get me to understand.  He owned his choices and never blamed me.  Sadly, years of feeling less than and not trusting my husband at the beginning of my healing process made this truth hard to swallow.

My self-talk changed from I am not enough to What a pity my husband had a gem like me and didn’t know what to do with me and didn’t think he was worthy of me.  My husband is grateful for the opportunity to treat me like a gem.  I refer to myself as a “gem” because gems have long-lasting value; they are sturdy and beautiful – that’s how I feel about myself.    I love myself too much to compare myself to porn images or women in the sex industry.  Is there a comparison- I mean, seriously!  Shame on me for allowing myself to do that for years and at the beginning of my healing.  Most importantly, I will never accept unacceptable behavior again, much less blame for it.

The best part is I don’t need to be enough for my husband, I need to be enough for myself, and he has the choice to accept or reject me; I can’t control that.  Besides, what does “being enough” really mean anyway?  And what about him being enough for me?  He has some damage to repair, which he is doing.   Sex addiction is a selfish disease that my husband swam in for years, keeping him focused on unhealthy ways to nurture himself.  When my husband was in active sex addition, I tried to compete with something bigger than myself, but I didn’t know it.  I was always more than enough for my husband, but he was too sick to notice, and I was too busy trying to be “strong” to recognize it in myself. 

#BetrayedNotBroken