Gripe of the Month:  The SICKNESS excuse only goes so far!

*I refer to the addict as a male in this post for consistency.

One of the most complex components of sex addiction I had to grasp was accepting sexaholism as an illness.  This reality wasn’t easy for me to digest because I thought sexaholism was an excuse for terrible behavior.  However, after I read numerous books, attended several therapy sessions, and listened to others in support groups, the illness concept became easier to understand.  The information in my husband’s disclosure aligned with what I read about sex addiction regarding its root and how it progresses.  I recognized my husband was sick, but now the question was what was he prepared to do about it because “I’m Sick” could not excuse unacceptable behavior moving forward.

Once I knew the depth and the scope of the addiction, it was evident I couldn’t change the past, and I didn’t know if I wanted to stay in the marriage, yet I knew active sex addiction had to cease.  I thought, Okay, we both know what the big elephant in the room is now, so what will YOU do about it?” You’ve cheated, lied, and spent money on your addiction while I thought there was something wrong with me.  Now, YOU get to scratch your head and figure some stuff out, and by the way, your efforts won’t guarantee I am staying because now I must figure some things out too.  As far as I was concerned, I allowed a Band-Aid to be placed on the first affair because I didn’t have the luxury of disclosure, but a Band-Aid wouldn’t work this time. 

My husband expressed his despair from living as a sex addict and his desire to end the addiction permanently.  However, wishful thinking wouldn’t work, plus I didn’t trust what he said.  The only thing I could trust was his actions.   My husband consistently attended two weekly meetings, a men’s bible study, and worked with his sponsor on the 12 Steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous.  Eventually, he started seeing a therapist.  The laidback man who rarely showed much energy for anything besides his children and hobbies surprised me with his focus on recovery.

My husband’s “I was Sick” excuse could explain his past behaviors to an extent.  Still, I asked many tough questions, which my husband couldn’t answer at the time because it was the beginning of his recovery.  This dilemma was frustrating for both of us; the “But I was sick” excuse couldn’t sufficiently answer the questions I asked.  As a result, my husband had to do a lot of work to figure himself out.  This work meant recognizing how his childhood impacted his addiction, what else led to him being a sex addict, and why he lived in denial for so long.   Most importantly, he had to understand how his choices hurt me and the marriage. 

I often compared my husband’s addiction to the alcoholic driver who accidentally hits and kills someone.  Yes, the driver is an alcoholic, but he still has to be accountable for his actions while under the influence, which may seem a bit dramatic, but it made sense to me.  Of course, my husband didn’t intend for his behavior to cause my PTSD, low-sex esteem, and self-doubt—still, his actions while under the influence caused me great pain, which he had to own.

It is your right to expect the recovering addict to take accountability for his past actions and do the work to answer your questions.   My husband had to go beyond the “But I was Sick” excuse, acknowledging character defects that fed the addiction, such as selfishness, immaturity, and a lack of compassion.  He was a recovering addict with character defects he had to sit with and examine.

Others warned me of potential slips at the beginning of my husband’s recovery. This led me to establish boundaries around potential porn slips, making it clear to him that repeated slips wouldn’t work for me.  Relapses or any physical touching of someone else were deal breakers.    My husband has slipped twice in the ten years he’s been recovering.  I know partners who have been dealing with their partners’ repeated slips and relapses for years, if not decades, and they will say, “Well, you know he’s sick,” which I don’t understand.   So, because the addict is sick, you, as the partner, shouldn’t expect active sex addiction ever to cease?  

Some women say their addict has mental health issues or other addictions that prevent their addict from maintaining sobriety.  The addict has to decide how to recover from sex addiction and manage the different obstacles.  I know addicts who choose to admit themselves into rehab for other addictions in hopes of being able to concentrate on recovering from sex addiction once they return home.  Others choose to enter rehab for sex addiction first in hopes of working on the other additions after that.  Some addicts must take medication for their mental health challenges, and others try to recover from more than one addiction simultaneously, which often has similarities in the healing process for both addictions, such as alcoholism.  There is no easy answer, but I don’t think continuing to accept unacceptable behavior is a healthy decision for your healing journey.  The repeated behavior of slips and relapse can be exhausting to you, eventually making the “But I’m Sick” excuse a set of words used by the addict- a Band-Aid!  

Recovering addicts who live the “recovery lifestyle” tend to maintain their sobriety more successfully.  This lifestyle may consist of meetings, therapy, or whatever is needed.   My husband’s recovery commitment reassures me he hasn’t forgotten how this addiction hurt us.    Most sober addicts still consider themselves “recovering addicts” because they recognize they can slip or relapse at any moment if they don’t continue to do the work.

If the recovering addict is serious about recovering and keeps slipping or relapsing, something in the plan has to change.  Maybe it’s time for a rehabilitation stay, more meetings, different meetings, or treatment from another therapist.  But, of course, he has to reach this reality and make the adjustments himself.  When I talk to women about this issue, I always suggest they consider asking their recovering addict for their plan to prevent future slips and relapses. 

I assume sex addicts who seek recovery do so because they want to eliminate sex addiction from their life.  If not, why go through the effort of attending meetings, seeing a therapist, talking to a pastor, or attending workshops if you don’t expect or desire to kiss “sex addiction” goodbye?  I don’t think it’s out of line to expect the addict to work his program like someone trying to get well once and for all.  Besides, how long does the addict get to say, “But, I’m Sick” every time he binges on porn instead of spending time with you or the family?  How many “But, I’m Sick” excuses does the addict get to use when you find out he acted out at a strip club, had an emotional affair, hired a prostitute, or had a “hook-up” again?  We are talking about betrayal, the very thing you are trying to heal from; surely you don’t want that as a permanent fixture in your relationship.  

Telling yourself, “Well, he’s sick; he doesn’t mean to hurt me,” after years of repeated slips or relapses is the action of a martyr, much like a partner letting the reckless adult repeatedly drive the car.  At the same time, she sits in the backseat holding on for dear life, hoping this time he will stop the vehicle before they crash.  Frankly, if your significant other hasn’t done much in his healing process but has several slips and relapses, I question how serious your partner is about recovery.  Here are some examples of what I’m talking about:

Questionable Behavior

• He only goes to meetings when you nag him.
• He only goes to meetings when he is in the mood.
• He doesn’t see the need to work any steps; after all, he isn’t as sick as the other guys in his group.

Questionable comments regarding repeated slips or relapses

• “It’s only porn, so what’s the big deal?”
• “I told you it’s a sickness; I just can’t help myself; this isn’t about you anyway.”
• “Aren’t I allowed to have a slip from time to time?  After all, I am an addict.”
• “Just tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

Comments like these are red flags indicating the recovering addict isn’t taking the work seriously.  He doesn’t see a need to work a recovery program, he’s just going through the motions to appease you, or he’s still in great denial.  The addict is content for you to get upset when he slips or relapses because he can still have his addiction and keep you, too – he doesn’t have to change his behavior because he can keep reminding you how sick he is.  This approach is unfortunate because sex addicts can recover from this illness if they are willing to do the work.  I know “recovering sex addicts” who can attest to this.

Furthermore, the recovering addict is still responsible for his actions and the harm he causes with each slip or relapse.  It’s not enough to say, “I’m sorry, but you know I’m sick.”  How about the addict acknowledging how the slip or relapse makes you feel?  You might get retriggered each time one occurs.   Maybe he could recognize your ability to relax or trust him is challenged with each slip or relapse.  How about the addict identify his behavior as a setback to the relationship?  How about the addict using the slip or relapse as a motivation to take his recovery seriously and make some significant changes?  These are accountability actions versus saying, “I’m sorry; you know I’m sick.”

Let me assure you I have compassion for the recovering addict, I recognize it’s a sickness that is not easy to recover from, but it’s possible and worth the effort.  When physically sick, people usually seek relief through natural remedies, medicine, or a doctor’s visit to feel better.  Some are even willing to pursue surgery, rehabilitation, or other treatments if it means they will heal.  Others tend to have compassion for their struggles.  My empathy grew for my husband’s struggle as I saw him consistently doing the work like a man trying to get well.

Once my husband risked everything to give me a disclosure, he was ready to heal from his addiction, with me knowing it.  He spent years trying to “kick the habit” on his own, which I didn’t know, but he came to a place where he realized something needed to change significantly.  He was finally ready to do the work with accountability to me, his support groups, his sponsor, God, and himself.  Waving the “But I was sick” flag was the beginning of his journey, not a constant excuse to use in his recovery journey.

You have some accountability, such as expressing how the repeated slips or relapses make you feel to the recovering addict.  However, following through with the consequences you created around your boundaries is your responsibility.  You don’t want to respond to the slips or relapses as a codependent by rationalizing, justifying, denying, or minimizing unacceptable behavior.  Remember, there is nothing wrong with expecting to see some change and accountability from the recovering addict, especially if he’s been recovering for years or decades.  Ultimately, you decide when “But I was sick” isn’t enough because you always have choices.  You can adjust your boundaries, separate, set a deadline for how much longer you will continue to hang in there, keep quiet, or do whatever you need to do for yourself.  However, if you’ve spent several years or decades with a lack of action, followed by a string of relapses and slips without accountability from your addict, except for the “But I’m Sick” excuse, you deserve so much better.