I try to post one “gripe” entry a month because betrayal trauma healing is not a bed of roses, and we dishonor those healing from betrayal trauma by not addressing the unpleasant parts of the healing journey. So, in my quest to share honesty regarding my process, it’s only fitting to share a “gripe” from time to time.
Many say there are similarities between alcoholism and sex addiction; I agree but only to a certain extent. It was so hard to grasp that my husband was a sex addict. It was much easier to believe he was a jerk who made horrible decisions. After all, my husband did awful things when he was in active addiction, which caused me great pain and confusion. However, I heard people say sex addiction and alcoholism were similar because of the following:
- a strong compulsion to “act out.”
- escalating risks
- fixation with “acting out.”
- increase in the frequency of the “acting-out” behavior
- the guilt and shame felt by the addict after the “acting-out” behavior takes place
- a form of self-medication for other disorders or struggles
- secrecy
- lack of control over the addiction
- rituals leading up to the “acting-out” behavior
These similarities made sense to me intellectually, but I still struggled to make sense of sex addiction. I often wrestled with questions such as, What caused my husband to be a sex addict? Why did he do particular “acting-out” behaviors? Did he realize he had a problem? Was he an adulterer that turned into a sex addict? I once complained about how my husband betrayed me to a friend in a support group. She suggested I think of each “acting-out” behavior as a bottle of alcohol for an alcoholic. So, I tried to follow my friend’s suggestion, but I couldn’t equate binging on porn, paying for sexual acts, or having sex with someone else to different types of alcohol.
I think alcoholism is often compared to sex addiction to help partners see their significant other’s behavior as an addiction. Partners can compare sex addiction to another less taboo addiction that carries less shame for the partner and the addict. Most partners I know say they did not even know what sex addiction was. Hence, it was easier to wrap their minds around sex addiction when comparing it to alcoholism which is easier to identify as an addiction.
The similarities between sex addiction and alcoholism made it easier for me to see my husband’s betrayals as an addition. Still, it did not ease the pain I was experiencing or minimize the damage my husband’s behavior caused. I would have preferred to deal with an alcoholic than a sex addict. At least you can physically see alcoholism when your partner is drunk or smell the alcohol on their breath. The signs are not as noticeable when your significant other is a sex addict, not to mention the potential risks to the partner, which are not always obvious. Finding out your significant other is an alcoholic usually will not send you running to get an STD/AIDS test. When alcoholics decide to self-soothe with alcohol, they put chemicals in their bodies that can be physically harmful if done in excess, not their partners’ bodies.
Sex addiction feels like your significant other chose porn, prostitutes, affairs, or strip clubs over you. What many partners view as a physical, spiritual, or emotional act of bonding between two consensual adults who trust each other becomes a selfish act for one. For me, knowing what my husband was up to cheapened sex. I questioned if my husband saw sex the same way I did. Did sex fall into a different category when it was with me versus someone else? Sadly, a wife should not have to ponder these questions.
If the betrayal doesn’t go beyond porn addiction, partners still ask the same questions. I don’t think I would have pondered those same questions if I had discovered my husband was an alcoholic. No one wants to feel rejected for something their partner is watching, which is not even real. Yet we know viewing porn can lead to addiction for some and impact the sexual self-esteem of their partners. I noticed the women in the porn my husband watched were thinner, younger, and more enthusiastic than me. I interpreted this as my husband was looking at what he preferred, which was not me.
I’m not trying to say some addictions are worse than others. Indeed, partners in relationships with any addict could share horror stories that would make many jaws drop in disbelief. Still, sex addiction is a different beast with many complexities. Although my friend was trying to make me feel better by offering another point of view regarding my husband’s betrayals, it did not help. When I think about it now, I can see her perspective minimized the depravity of my husband’s behavior and its impact on me. No wonder her comparison of sex addiction to alcoholism did not sit well with me.
Involvement with someone struggling with any addiction is problematic. Comparing the similarities between addictions is helpful when trying to understand addiction but using one addiction to minimize the harm of another is not helpful; sometimes, it might even be harmful to the partner or family member.
Sometimes we read AL-ANON literature aloud at the S-ANON meetings I attend. However, when we read AL-ANON materials, we replace the word “alcoholism” with “sex addiction” because hearing the word “sex addiction” hits home for us. We must live in the reality of what has happened, the harm it caused, and what it will take to heal from the effects of another person’s sex addiction. Calling the problem anything other than sex addiction would be doing partners a disservice. So instead, we call the offenses what they are, letting the type and escalation of the behaviors speak for themselves.
Healing from partner betrayal trauma requires a deep level of healing. It can take years for partners of sex addicts to feel comfortable trusting their significant other or someone else. In addition, partner betrayal healing often requires a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) therapist skilled in working with partners of sex addicts and is knowledgeable in sex addiction versus a general therapist. For example, CSAT therapists can help partners who often blame their age, attractiveness, or libido for their significant other’s sex addiction.
Healing from the betrayals of sex addiction can involve PTSD symptoms such as:
- anxiety
- rage
- depression
- isolation
- numbness
- inability to concentrate
- inability to sleep
- shock
- low energy
- debilitating fear
- nightmares
Furthermore, some partners go on mental health medication after finding out about their significant others’ addiction who never needed them prior.
I embrace the similarities regarding partners’ struggles caused by the action of any addict but also acknowledge the importance of focusing on the specific addiction impacting the addict’s partners. Like partners of sex addicts, partners of alcoholics have issues and challenges related to their partners’ addiction that may differ from the challenges partners of sex addicts face.
I also see how alcoholism and sex addiction can go hand in hand. Alcohol lowers one’s inhibitions making it easier to act out “sexually”—unfortunately, some partners have been impacted by both addictions. I did not have to deal with this issue, but I know partners who have, they’ve shared with me how overwhelming dealing with both addictions can be. Sometimes one addiction can lead to another. (Please click the Facebook icon to comment on this. I would love to hear what partners of sex addicts with other addictions have experienced.)
If I could go back and replay that conversation I had with my friend, I would respond differently. I would tell her, “Thank you for trying to make me feel better, but I can’t honestly honor the pain I am experiencing by comparing my husband’s betrayals to an alcoholic deciding on which liquor to drink. Although that action can lead to harmful outcomes for the addict and the partner, it is not the same. I am happy to see similarities when appropriate. Still, I would serve my healing journey better by acknowledging my husband’s betrayals for what they were, feeling the pain, and aiming to reach a place of acceptance.”