Gripe:

You are not the addict’s accountability partner; say NO to “unhealthy dumps”!*

*The addict is considered a male for simplicity, but I fully recognize that the addict can be a woman.

Partners of sex addicts often tell me their addict either doesn’t have an accountability partner or their addict doesn’t share slips or relapses with their sponsor.  Instead, the addict chooses to share his slip or relapse only with his partner, which can be painful if done with little empathy or as a reaction.  Either way, the partner is left with the weight of painful information.  I refer to betrayals shared in this manner as unhealthy dumps.  Ironically, the sex addict thinks he’s working his recovery program by being honest with his partner.  However, if the addict hasn’t shared this information with an accountability partner such as an SA sponsor, pastor, or therapist, the sex addict isn’t working the program because he isn’t accountable to anyone besides the partner he just hurt with his unhealthy dump.

Don’t get me wrong; I fully expect my husband to share any slip or release with me as part of keeping honesty in the relationship.  However, working on his program means he needs to connect with his sponsor and possibly share in his support group.   I prefer my husband take these actions before sharing the information with me.    I don’t want to hear a reactionary confession that wasn’t processed with someone else first.  I want to know if some thought went into my husband’s reveal versus an emotional or reactional vomit to release his burden of the betrayal – an unhealthy dump.

You may be asking what I mean when I say “processing,” after all, doesn’t the betrayed partner have to process the information regardless?  Yes, the partner will have to process the information.  Still, in my opinion, there are some questions the addict needs to answer within himself before sharing news of a slip or relapse with his partner, such as:

• Why did the action occur?
• What can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?
• How does this action hurt my partner?  
• What can I do to make my partner feel safe moving forward?
• Am I prepared to honor my partner’s consequence now that I’ve broken one of her boundaries?
• Who besides my partner can I share this information with?  Who will support me with tough love and concern for my healing from sex addiction before I share this information with my partner? 

Suppose the sex addict has a good accountability partner.  In that case, the accountability partner will expect honesty, discuss the questions above, and help the sex addict recognize the impact of his betrayal to his recovery and his partner’s healing.  With the accountability partner’s help, information about a betrayal can be shared with the partner in a “healthy manner,” making the partner feel respected and cared for despite the news of a recent slip or relapse.  The accountability partner won’t shame the addict, but he will paint a clear picture of the damage, what should happen next, and the best way to share this information with his partner.   A sex addict should run the information by someone who can help him share his betrayal honestly and with empathy for the person receiving the information.  It’s not the partner’s job to help the addict process his slip or relapse; it’s the partner’s job to manage their response to the information.

The type of processing I am talking about will help keep the sex addict humble, aware of the impact of his behavior, and, most importantly, accountable for his actions.  Processing can make a difference in an addict who sincerely wants to recover from the addiction and faithfully works his recovery program versus an addict who dumps and moves on without empathy.  It’s not fair for the partner to now deal with the weight of a slip or relapse shared in an unhealthy manner.  At the same time, the addict enjoys the relief of releasing the weight of the betrayal on his partner without any accountability to anyone.  One of my boundaries is if my husband slips or relapses, he must tell his sponsor and me within 24 hours, with a preference he shares the information with his sponsor first.

Some may be reading this and thinking, ‘What is the problem?  He’s being honest – what more do you want?” I want to know my husband is actively working on his program with a solid commitment to healing well, and part of that means he must be accountable to someone else who knows his history besides me.  If an addict genuinely works on his program, he knows honesty must be the cornerstone of all relationships, including the one with his accountability partner.  Having an accountability partner with years of sobriety under his belt can be incredibly beneficial to the addict because he knows the accountability partner has been in his shoes.  The accountability partner may suggest the sex attend more meetings, reset his sobriety date, or do something else to support the addict’s sobriety. 

Furthermore, is the sex addict truly honest with his dump if he knows no one else will learn about the slip or relapse besides he and his partner?  If an addict knows he can dump on his partner and it will stay between them, the addict may be inclined to tell a half-truth.  However, suppose the addict has a good accountability partner.  In that case, the accountability partner most likely will strongly suggest the addict be completely honest with his partner in a way that describes the depth and scope of the betrayal in an empathic and respectful manner, which many sex addicts need help with, especially at the beginning of their recovery.

If your sex addict comes huffing and puffing with an eagerness to dump and you’re not ready to receive it- you have every right to ask for time before hearing what he has to share.  You might need to check with your support first.  The sex addict doesn’t get to run the show.  Some partners ask their sex addict to share slips or relapses in the presence of the sex addict’s accountability partner, the betrayed partner’s accountability partner, or a marriage therapist, which is acceptable.

When most partners tell me their partner just dumped on them, I usually ask, “Did he share this with his sponsor before telling you?  If the answer is “no,” it’s usually followed with one of the following explanations:

• He did not want to bother his sponsor; he could handle this alone.
• He will get around to it, but he thought it was more important to tell me first.
• He doesn’t think he’s sick enough to have an accountability partner.
• He wants to keep this just between us.
• He doesn’t see the value in doing all that extra work; it’s much easier to tell me.
• He’s too ashamed to tell anyone else.
• He won’t share this with his group; he doesn’t want them to know how sick he is.

I always ask the partner what the sex addict’s plan is to make her feel safe moving forward now that a slip or relapse has occurred.  The partners usually don’t have an answer, which is sad because that’s what an accountability partner can help sex addicts with.  I tell partners that part of the sex addict’s process and working his program is being able to provide the answer to that question with every slip or relapse regardless of how long the addict has been in recovery; otherwise, he’s just dumping, which is no help to the partner.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I like to be in control of knowing everything my addict is doing, I can control his progress even if the information is painful.   I don’t want to bring a third person into this mess.” I hate to say it, but controlling the addict wastes time and takes away from your healing journey.  If you’re yelling or silent treatment has been the pattern after receiving dumps, and your partner’s behavior hasn’t changed, you are just participating in insanity.  Your spouse is accustomed to your reaction and is prepared to tolerate it if it means he doesn’t have to be accountable to anyone but you, and he will continue to act out.  I don’t say this to be harsh; I say it because I’ve seen this many times:   The addict slips, he only tells his partner, and the partner explodes or becomes withdrawn.  If the partner is lucky, she may get an apology or a tear in the process, but the betrayals will continue because the sex addict isn’t accountable to anyone else.  

You may be reading this and asking, “What if my addict refuses to go to meetings, see a therapist, work a 12-step program, or work with a sponsor – he just wants to tell me as part of his recovery?” You may have to consider creating a boundary around this issue.  You can’t control the addict, but he isn’t doing enough if this is his approach, which you may have to make some decisions about for your emotional safety.  You deserve to expect honest communication from your addict regarding slips and relapses with an expectation that the addict will do the work with an accountability partner.

I also think it’s important to clarify I am not saying the partner shouldn’t be angry, upset, frustrated, exhausted, or fed up with the sex addict after learning of an additional betrayal.  The partner has a right to her emotions and feelings whether her addict shared the information with a sponsor or not because the data is painful and disappointing.  When a partner tries to heal and determine whether she can trust her sex addict moving forward, the news of an additional betrayal can be a huge setback or even end the relationship.  You alone are responsible for what you decide to do with the information of a slip or relapse.  However, a thoughtful reveal of an additional betrayal is much easier to manage than an unhealthy dump, regardless of your next steps.