Does your sex addict have the mindset of an eager beaver, or is he still trying to drive the “relationship” car?–Pt. 2

Last week we looked at the importance of the eager beaver mindset in sex addict versus the sex addict who doesn’t recognize his lazy approach to recovery is hurting the relationship.  He wants to continue driving the “relationship” car but is ill-equipped to do so.   I provided a list of behaviors these types of addicts tend to exhibit.  Today let’s look at what eager beaver mindset actions look like: 

Here are eager beaver actions you deserve to witness from your addict:

• He earnestly wants to know what it will take to heal the relationship with a desire to make your requests.  
• He wants(meaning you don’t have to nag or demand) to let you know he is going to meetings.  He provides location and date information.
• He schedules the marriage therapy appointments.
• He is willing to attend meetings and workshops for couples healing from sex addiction, not because you make him.
• He initiates times to talk and reflect on the relationship healing process.
• He is willing to share his progress and maybe even some of his struggles with you.
• He owns “why mom is depressed, moody, having an outburst, or needing the house to be quiet to the kids.” (age-appropriate).  My husband told my children that he didn’t put me first when they were in elementary school.  
• Making plans for date nights.  (Your relationship may not be at this stage, this may take some time.)
• If he knows you love your feet rubbed, he better be offering to rub them.
• If he knows you like your coffee a certain way in the morning, he better be brewing!
• He confesses a slip to you promptly with humility.

My husband used to say, “you want performance” well, you know what I sure as hell did.  I appreciated him sharing his feelings with me, but this was his struggle to deal with, not mine.  I knew I had every right to tell my husband what I needed to feel safe; whether those requests felt good to him wasn’t my concern.   Performance or action was all I could rely on in the beginning.  I wasn’t asking much, and there was no hope for the marriage if I didn’t feel safe.  I didn’t abuse or take advantage of my husband, but there were certain things I needed to see to start to feel safe in the relationship:

• He requested I change the password to the home computer and not tell him.
• Called me on his way to a meeting and on the way home.
• Called me if he was going to be late home from work.
• Kept my boundaries on his phone, which I didn’t ask him to do
• Attended meetings
• Shared some of his process ( I didn’t want all of the details)
• Expressing how much he appreciated my patience with him.
• Sobriety
• Provided me his cell phone access

Some may ask how long does the addict need to do this? 

My answer is, for however long you need to feel safe.  It doesn’t have to be this way forever, but I think these actions are necessary for the beginning, when uncertainty and pain can be the worst.  Frankly, most of this list is still part of my marriage because some of it is just decent behavior one should expect in a relationship built on honesty.  However, some actions continue to ensure my safety in the relationship, benefitting the marriage.  Furthermore, you can always adjust the actions you need to see from the addict to feel secure as you heal in your journey.

Suppose the sex addict struggles with the eager beaver mindset?

In that case, he might want to consider seeking information online, listening to podcasts, asking his counselor, praying, connecting with others in recovery, reading recovery material, or all the above.  He doesn’t have to be a perfect eager beaver, but there needs to be some level of action on the addict’s part.  No human being should be able to hurt his significant other and still feel entitled to drive the “relationship” car.  If the addict works in a recovery program, his ability to show humility and emotionally support the betrayed partner should improve.

If you are no longer in the relationship and didn’t get to witness this type of effort from your significant other, I am truly sorry because you deserved it.  Unfortunately, some addicts are too ill or selfish to take the necessary steps to recover fully.   They lack the humility it takes to pursue the relationship with honesty, or maybe they still can’t shake the addiction.  Not every addict wants to be accountable, work steps, see a therapist, or attend groups, much less share that information with the person they betrayed.  Some partners lose patience with the whole process, which is understandable.  For a relationship to heal from betrayal trauma, both people must be willing to put in the effort with the same level of commitment.

There is no winning formula, but I believe there is a right and wrong way for the addict to approach his recovery, which can significantly impact the relationship.  If the sex addict doesn’t exhibit humility and a strong desire to heal, he’s going about recovery the wrong way.  Furthermore, this is not the time for the addict to be lazy.  Some couples do the work and still end up divorced; some do the work and are happier than ever.  Again, there are no guarantees, but the sex addict with an eager beaver mindset is more likely to recover, which can be a blessing to him and the relationship.   

Maybe you are fortunate to have a sex addict approach recovery with an eager beaver mindset.  Most of this blog entry won’t apply to you, but perhaps it has given you a sense of appreciation for not having to deal with a sex addict who insists on driving the “relationship” car.  I know for myself I haven’t always told my husband that I appreciate his efforts, but they were the beginning of me feeling safe enough to see a tiny flicker of hope for the relationship.   It became evident my husband was committed to his recovery program and doing what was necessary to gain my trust.

We can’t base our healing on the actions of a sex addict.  Still, his actions and the spirit he approaches his recovery can indicate how serious the addict is about getting better and possibly contributing to the relationship as a healthier individual.  You deserve to feel understood, heard, and witness real change in your significant other to feel safe in the relationship, which will allow you to make some decisions based on what you see in your significant other and how these actions make you feel.  If your sex addict isn’t exhibiting some form of an eager beaver mindset, then he’s just going through the motions.