Does your sex addict have the mindset of an eager beaver, or is he still trying to drive the “relationship” car?–Pt. 1

One of my pet peeves is the addict who lacks the eager beaver mindset.  I am referring to a sex addict who is lackadaisical in his recovery approach and efforts to support his partner emotionally.  After the truth comes out by disclosure or discovery, the addict may see a therapist when he feels like it and attends meetings if there’s nothing else scheduled.  The addict expects it’s just a matter of time before you will trust him again.

For some couples, their story goes like this; the addict drove the “relationship” car when he was in active addiction by manipulating the significant other with lies, gaslighting, and betrayal.  The addict’s driving made for a bumpy ride leaving the partner in the back seat, trying to figure out what was happening.  Now the truth is out, and the addict still insists on driving the “relationship” car.  After all, he feels much better with his occasional recovery efforts.  But unfortunately, he can’t figure out why you don’t share his enthusiasm for his actions.  

The addict doesn’t understand his significant other is now in the backseat with this tremendous amount of gut-wrenching pain on her lap, which she is trying to make sense of so she can heal.  He won’t dare pull over to check on her, see if she is okay, or offer to do whatever it takes to help her heal the bleeding wound; it’s much easier for him to keep driving the “relationship” car.  The addict fails to realize the work is just beginning.  Now he needs to pursue recovery with some fire behind him to heal himself and possibly contribute to the healing of the relationship if that’s what you both want. 

I’ve witnessed women tolerate their partners dictating how they will recover as a couple with a sense of entitlement, and I don’t get it.  The man is sick but still tries to drive the “relationship” car even though he has caused you harm.  Seriously?  Would you let an apparent drunk alcoholic drive you home?  Then why should the sex addict be the one to steer how healing as a couple should progress?  Why does he have an attitude of entitlement when it comes to sharing his recovery with you? 

What burns me even more, is the betrayed partner who exhibits more of an eager beaver mindset for recovery than the sex addict.  If healing the relationship or getting your sex addict to recover takes priority over your healing – you need to back off, especially if – you are controlling his progress.  After all, you are the betrayed partner.  By no means should your healing take a backseat to the recovery of the person who betrayed you.

If your sex addict is attending meetings, seeing a therapist, and reading recovery material, this is great, but you deserve even more.  What spirit is the addict doing these things?  Is he going about recovery as a person who regrets getting caught more than he does hurting you?  Is he approaching recovery as a sick man who wants to get well and possibly have something to offer the relationship?  Work needs to take place on both of your parts when it comes to mending the relationship, but the bulk of the effort needs to come from him.

You may think I sound too demanding or selfish.

I get both of you are imperfect, flawed individuals, but did you cause the kind of pain he did?  Most people reading this would say “no.”  He made poor choices to nurture himself without considering how it could impact you, which is very selfish.  It’s not enough for the addict to say, “I’m sorry.” His actions need to show it.  You cannot trust the addict’s words initially; you tried that, enabling the addiction.  I’ve heard people say that the time not to trust an addict is when his lips move.  Now you must go by his actions which should have some enthusiasm, just like his enthusiasm for deceiving you with his acting out behavior of choice. 

Your significant other lost the right to drive the “relationship” car the day he chose to betray you.  He would love for you to run into his arms, yelling, “Thank you for finally telling me the truth.  I will forgive you; let’s move forward like nothing ever happened- it doesn’t matter the depth of the offense because you are so wonderful.  We can truly be an exceptional couple now.”  This response would be great for the addict because it doesn’t require any work on his part to repair the relationship.  However, it doesn’t usually work that way.  Individual and couple healing is not an easy journey.

But wait, he’s sick- why are you so mean?

Your significant other is sick, which is why he needs to work toward getting better by establishing some sobriety under his belt and sustaining it, committing to a recovery program, and keeping you abreast of his progress to re-establish trust in the relationship.  Sickness should never be a reason for you to accept unacceptable behavior.  You have a right to expect the partner to pursue recovery as if everything depends on it.  He doesn’t get to drive the “relationship” car by waving a white flag with “But I’m sick” imprinted on it.  Your significant other is sick, which is why he would serve himself and the relationship better by eagerly seeking recovery with humility. 

There was a short period when my husband wasn’t capable of pursuing recovery with an eager beaver mindset. 

When I discovered my husband was a sex addict, I was deeply wounded and furious with him.  Yet I still wanted to be comforted by him.  A part of me wanted him to grovel, beg for my forgiveness and provide answers to the millions of questions I had.  Was it not his job to heal my bleeding heart?  Of course, but how could I still want anything from him?  I remember my good friend telling me it’s like you are both on the ER trauma ward with body parts bandaged, preventing us from reaching each other.  My husband’s temporary inability to come toward me was a hard pill to swallow; I got it because I am a visual person.  However, there was still a part of me that thought, He might be unable to get out of the bandages, but he should try to reach over to me even if it causes him pain; he owes me.  Finally,I realized this was unrealistic.  

I continued to question how I could want to be comforted by the same person who just stuck a knife in my heart and turned it abruptly to the right?  It took my therapist to explain I was hurting, and I wanted him to make things better and emotionally support me.  I wasn’t crazy; I was experiencing betrayal trauma.  We were both in so much pain we couldn’t do anything for each other.  Once we started to do the work, our bandages started to come off, and our wounds began to heal enough to reach each other slowly and cautiously, but my husband had to reach toward me first.

My husband has often shared how difficult it has been for him to show me his recovery efforts and pursue the relationship; initially, I was reactionary and erratic.  Reaching toward the betrayed significant other is challenging for any addict because he didn’t have to take this type of risk when he acted out with porn, cheating, strip clubs, chatrooms, prostitution, masturbation, or a combination of behaviors.   Is this scary for the addict?  Yes.  However, it’s nothing compared to what it’s like for us.  This expectation of an eager beaver approach from the sex addict isn’t about being a B – – – H; this is about every woman who needs to see real effort from the addict as she heals. 

As laid back as my husband is, he consistently went to two meetings, called his sponsor when things were dicey, prayed, and worked his steps.  I could see my husband’s actions which helped me gradually feel safe in the relationship.  He shared some of the actions that weren’t as obvious to observe so I would know where he was in his process.    My husband wasn’t doing everything I would have liked him to do, but he made a sincere effort in his recovery.  I remember one time he told me he knew he couldn’t make me stay or forgive him.  However, he was doing everything he could to get well for himself, which was a relief.  My husband realized the need to recover from his addiction without me cracking a whip.

Here are some examples of the sex addict trying to drive the “relationship” car:

• Blaming the wife for his actions because she won’t perform oral sex.
• Blaming the wife because she doesn’t initiate sex.
• Refusing to give a disclosure because he doesn’t think it’s necessary.
• Refusing to commit to meetings because “he isn’t as sick as those who go to the meetings.”
• Refusing to keep you abreast of his process because you are controlling, you only need to know that he’s a good boy now.
• He doesn’t see the need for a therapist because he doesn’t want anyone to know about his private business.
• He says, “I know I messed up, but you played a role in this too; you aren’t a perfect wife (girlfriend/boyfriend) – let’s talk about that!”
• He reminds you that the bible says you must forgive him no matter what, so you need to forget all this talk about meetings, disclosure, and counseling—you need to forgive him; that’s the real problem.  
• He only did porn, so he shouldn’t have to jump through all those hoops.
• Sure, he had emotional affairs, but he never had sex with anyone, so why all this fuss?
• All men watch porn; you are just uptight.
• He says, “We weren’t having sex enough, so I had no choice but to “act out.”  If we have more sex, I promise I won’t act out again!”
• He said If you were more adventurous like the people in porn, both of you wouldn’t be in this situation.  
• He said he’s willing to work at this but will leave if you don’t come around soon.
• He says, “I’ve apologized; it’s in the past which we can’t change; what more do you want from me?”
• He gets angry if you inquire about his progress.
• You approach the addict about a slip you discovered, and he responds in anger towards you.

Do you notice what’s missing from these statements?  Humility.  There isn’t an ounce of an eager beaver mindset in the above list.  Those are comments and actions from addicts who fail to see the actual damage of their addiction.  These addicts want to heal themselves and the relationship on their terms – they want to drive the “relationship” car!  Is it any surprise they end up repeatedly slipping until they either get humble enough to seek recovery earnestly or completely disregard recovery?

The addict doesn’t recognize he is too impaired to drive the “relationship” car.  This type of acknowledgment takes humility.  If he possessed a little eager beaver mindset, he would be willing to strap himself in the backseat with gratitude for still being welcomed in the car.  Then, eagerly share his efforts and willingness to do what it takes to earn your trust as you sit beside him, letting the process and your faith drive the car.

Stay tuned for Part 2 next week.

#BetrayedNotBroken