There is nothing funny about healing from the pain caused by a sex addict but allowing yourself to experience laughter or a smile along the way can be incredibly helpful. I didn’t experience much laughter in the beginning but with time I allowed myself to chuckle from time to time. I told myself there had to be more to life than anger and tears. Before receiving a disclosure, I was a person who laughed out loud from the belly and I missed that part of myself. Research suggests laughter can reduce stress and improve mood by releasing endorphins, a similar benefit one experiences when exercising. Now who couldn’t use those benefits while healing from betrayal trauma?
When I was ready I sought clean humor out because that was the only type of television or movie entertainment I could tolerate. There were so many things in movies and television shows that were triggering but clean comedies were a safe bet. I felt so much better after I laughed. I could forget about my challenges even if it were just for a moment. Laughter was a much-needed release.
I would allow myself to relish the silliness of my children’s shenanigans which always had me laughing. This practice of being in the moment with my children kept me in the present not focusing on my situation, anxious thoughts, or depressing worry. I wanted my children to see me smile or laugh. Don’t get me wrong my children sensed something was wrong but they didn’t witness my crying or wailing sessions which I chose to express when my children weren’t present. However, by seeing the humorous side of Mom they knew I wasn’t completely lost to them even when I appeared sad at times.
I also wasn’t running around with a fake smile on my face all the time, but despite what I was going through, I had to remember that laughing if something was funny was allowed; offering a smile to a friend or a stranger was allowed, and laughing hysterically was allowed. Laughing didn’t mean I didn’t take my healing seriously. I actually took my healing very seriously, maybe too seriously, making the need to laugh or smile a much-needed “go-to.”
I became a fan of clean humor because I knew I wouldn’t be triggered. Intentionally seeking clean didn’t mean I didn’t have bad triggers or trauma symptoms, it meant I had a tool I could use. The ability to laugh despite what I was going through reminded me I would get past the pain and everything around me wasn’t all negative.
I didn’t let my inner pain hinder my social interactions. When I was out with my friends I could relax enough to appreciate humor in some of our conversations and chime in without hesitation. If anything, I needed social interaction more than ever before. Lunch with a friend, a meal with a couple after church, or a school event kids where other adults would interact with each other brought me great relief. I wasn’t advertising what I was going through, so it wasn’t like people were observing “the injured woman” out of pity. These opportunities helped me feel normal.
With time I even laughed with other adults who were healing from betrayal trauma. Honestly, these were the best laughing sessions because we were all experiencing pain but found moments to laugh or smile. Feeling free to express myself with my healing friends who knew what I was going through was priceless. We were in the ocean of pain but grabbing opportunities to laugh or smile while screaming, crying, or cussing.
Here are some examples of things I discussed with my healing friends that made us chuckle:
- We would joke about being in the “sucky club”.
- We discussed our new busy healing calendar of support group meetings and therapy appointments.
- I would laugh with my healing friends about my “hypersensitivity” to any behavior I exhibited that might be classified as “codependent; constantly checking in with myself or other healing friends to ask “Was my response too codependent?”
- I would chuckle when discussing the various books, we all ran out to purchase. Often realizing we were all purchasing the same ones.
- We would talk about how we referred to our meetings when talking to friends or family who didn’t know we were attending meetings for betrayal trauma. Some told others they were going to bible study, a women’s social group, or other little lies. It was always interesting to hear how creative others were when describing the groups we went to with those who didn’t know.
- We chuckled about the numerous journals we had, and where and how we hid or disguised our resources from our children, friends, or other family members. We all seemed to be fans of decorative tape.
- We also talked about what we did for ourselves out of anger when we first discovered our sex addicts’ betrayals. (i.e. shopping, hotel by ourselves, leaving the house not telling our partner where we were going, taking naps, signing up for classes, or going to the gym more.)
Frankly, there wasn’t much humor among my healing friends. For me, the moments of laughter were signs we were healing. Our healing process was vital to us but it didn’t mean we couldn’t enjoy an occasional chuckle from time to time. The opportunity to lighten up was a treat because what we were going through was very difficult.
I also entertained comical thoughts or situations when I was with people who didn’t know what I was going through:
- Once my massage therapist commented on how lucky I was to have a thoughtful spouse who bought me “massage gift cards.” I thought, Honey my husband is part of the reason I need regular massages. My neck and shoulders are tight and I can’t sleep at night.
- People complimented me on how lucky I was to have my husband. He was active in the church, patient, kind, good with the kids, engaged in the kids’ activities, and had a good job. I would smile in response thinking, But he’s an addict!
- Listening to other women complain about their partners for behavior that seemed minor compared to my husband’s acting out behavior. I would think, Do you think you have something to complain about? If you knew what I am experiencing you would faint in disbelief.
- People would say “I don’t know what I would do if my husband ever cheated on me.” I would think, Yeah, I thought the same thing until I was actually in the situation. I would wonder, what if you found out your husband was a sex addict? Would that change anything for you?
As my healing improved I rediscovered the joy of smiling and began smiling even more. I could smile at a stranger, little children playing, or even while exercising. I wasn’t smiling because my husband was healing, I was smiling because I was at a place where I felt better; comfortable enough with myself to smile. Although my healing was painful it slowly felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was grateful to finally know the truth about my husband’s addiction and appreciative of my healing which put a smile on my face. The light was on our marriage revealing a painful reality but I did not let it destroy every aspect of my life. I discovered I still could smile, laugh, and experience joy while healing.
I found laughter in doing the things I enjoyed. Whether I was dancing in Zumba, walking outside, or singing to the radio. I deliberately sought activities that I knew would put a smile on my face. For example, I sought out the following:
- Eating ice cream
- Listening to my favorite songs
- Smelling Lavender, Eucalyptus, and Citrus essential oils
- Smelling fresh flowers
- Baking things I knew smelled nice
- Looking at pictures
- Scrapbooking or other hobbies
- Blowing bubbles
- Chewing gum
- Taking silly selfies
- Coloring books
- Sitting in silence
- Calling close friends.
Please let me encourage you to heal well but seek opportunities to smile or laugh. You will feel lighter and more relaxed easing some of the weight of the healing process. Most importantly you will find yourself living in the present which sounds easy but incredibly difficult when healing from betrayal trauma. Today, if I’m depressed or feel down I still seek out comedy as a healthy remedy. Although laughter sounds too simple to refer to as an actual tool, I assure you there are significant benefits to laughing while healing. I hope you put laughter in your tool bag and pull it out often.
