5. Your partner may ask more questions than she did before repeatedly, such as:
– How late will you be home from the work event?
– I noticed you withdrew more money than you usually do on payday. Do you have something to tell me?
– You came to bed really late last night- why?
– Why did you abruptly shut your work laptop when I entered the room?
– Why are you wearing a different cologne suddenly.
– I know we’ve reviewed the disclosure several times, but I would like to review some details again.
This may take time and might be rocky at first, which may mean she totally detaches from you, rages at you, or constantly cries. All of this is normal and to be expected, but if she’s serious about healing, you may find the old person you could lie to, gaslight, confuse, or demean isn’t available, which is a good thing.
Once the blinders were lifted off of my eyes, I could no longer put them back on. I had to live in the reality of the situation and act accordingly. I didn’t trust my husband, and I was hypersensitive to anything that felt or looked suspicious, so asking questions like the ones listed above was a way to calm myself and feel safe.
Today, I feel more comfortable in my marriage, but if something feels wrong, I address it with my husband by asking questions.
6. You may see your partner practicing tools you didn’t see her engaging with before. Some partners begin new activities or if they find themselves increasing the frequency of activities they previously enjoyed. A few examples are listed below:
– journaling
– meditation
– attending different support group meetings
– starting a new hobby
– praying
– exercise
– reading several books
– Spending more time with friends
– Attending events or workshops for partners of sex addicts.
Partners learn what tools can assist them in their healing and actively practice the ones that appeal to them. Partners healing from betrayal trauma are encouraged to try different things and get curious about what will work for them.
I read everything I could find on sex addiction as well as practiced different tools to discover which ones I liked. Additionally, I started scrapbooking again after I learned of my husband’s addiction. Today, I still meditate, exercise, and practice yoga in addition to seeing my therapist and attending a support group. I practice these tools because they support a healthier way to show up when I’m distressed. Furthermore, the tools work and bring me joy.
7. The way your partner expresses herself may change. A partner who is quiet or reserved may become more vocal and assertive. Meanwhile, a partner who tends to rage or react explosively may communicate more calmly. The point is that some partners find a different way to express themselves from a place of peace instead of fear, anxiety, or learned behavior. There is no perfect way to communicate, but it’s lovely to communicate in a way that is authentic to the partner.
In the beginning, I flipped from rage to complete withdrawal when communicating with my husband. It didn’t take me long to realize this behavior was exhausting, and I often felt out of control. I had to learn healthier ways to express myself. Sometimes, this meant praying, breathing, or calling someone on the same healing journey before initiating a conversation with my husband. I don’t rage anymore, but I still struggle with withdrawing from my husband from time to time. Thankfully, I returned to reconnection much quicker than I did before. I hope this continues to improve.
8. Your partner may be less shocked by things she previously found appalling. Once one’s eyes have been opened to the sex addict’s betrayals, a whole new understanding of what one is capable of becomes a reality versus an impossibility. As a partner lives in the reality of her addict’s betrayals, she cannot deny how damaging the acting-out behavior is to her emotional wellbeing. If the partner attends support groups, she now hears of other situations better or worse than her own. After a while, not much shocks her as it may have before sex addiction became a reality for your partner.
I had to fight not to become a cynic, thinking every married man looked at porn too much or was a sex addict. I tried not to gasp with my mouth wide open when hearing certain things in support group meetings or reading materials regarding various “acting out” behaviors. Today, little shocks me, whether it’s stuff I hear from others or the latest sex scandal in the news. As a result, I’ve become less judgemental.
9. Just as your addiction may have impacted your brain, your betrayal may have affected your partner’s brain as well. I’ve heard many people compare the brain of a sex addict to a person addicted to drugs, saying there are many similarities. Well, betrayal trauma can impact your partner’s brain, particularly in the part that impacts emotional response and memory. There is fascinating information about this, but to put it in layman’s terms. This is where PTSD comes into play. Your partner may revisit fond memories she had with you and question if the memories were that great or if she was disillusioned. She may be in flight or fight, hurting her ability to relax or sleep at night. Your partner may experience high anxiety, causing her to be hyper-vigilant about everything. Some tend to disconnect, experiencing emotional numbness and struggle to stay in the present.
I couldn’t sleep at night; I kept ruminating over the disclosure I received. I constantly reviewed timelines in my head. I was hyper-vigilant about anything slightly off from what my husband told me. For example, if he said he would be home by 5:30, he needed to do that or call me, or I would think he was up to something. I couldn’t trust myself. My mind kept racing, I had high anxiety, and my emotions were all over the place. I could be hysterical one minute and lying in bed with no desire to do anything the next. There was nothing my husband could do to help me. I was in survival mode; I didn’t feel safe. This was awful and did get better over time, but my husband patiently witnessed my madness, hoping things would get better. I wanted to be held by him, and I also wanted to beat the crap out of him.
I’ve used many generalizations, and I realize everyone heals differently, and it also may depend on the addict’s” acting out” behavior. Healing from your husband watching porn may be different for the spouse who is healing from learning her husband spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes or the spouse whose husband is in jail because of his acting out behavior. We try to say, “Pain is pain.” Still, the reality is different types of “acting out” behavior, the escalation of the behavior, the amount of risk the addict took, and the impact on the family play a part in the amount of pain the spouse has to heal from and the amount of time it will take.
Furthermore, In some respects, it’s a little sad because that naïve belief I had in my husband is gone. I am not easily impressed by first impressions or what someone tells me because I’ve met very nice people who are also sex addicts. I’m a little more hesitant to have sex without an emotional connection. Sex is not as important to me as it was before. I have learned there are other ways to express love to my husband besides sex. For better or for worse, I’m a different person now. I live each day in the awareness of the past, how it impacted me, and the work I’ve done to move on in my life. I don’t appreciate what brought me to the healing journey, but I accept how my experience has changed me, both the good and the bad.
For your partner’s sake, I hope she is seeking healing for her pain because the changes I’ve highlighted only take place if healing is being pursued. Some choose not to seek healing because they feel like they didn’t do anything wrong, so why bother. This is unfortunate because although walking through the pain is complex, staying stuck in resentment, denial, or fantasy is even worse. If a partner isn’t walking through the pain, they will find themselves stuck either waiting for the addict to change or leaving the relationship with the unhealed baggage of the betrayal.
If a partner has done the work, they will find that they are changing and will see the fruit of their efforts with gratitude for the healing benefits they can carry for the rest of their lives.
I will forever be changed by my betrayal trauma healing journey. I approached healing out of need, but I didn’t realize it would change me. I can’t speak for every person betrayed by a sex addict, but most of the changes in me have been for the better. Not that I believe there was something wrong with me in the beginning or that my defects led to me marrying a sex addict.
The reality is betrayal trauma healing made me more aware of things I wanted to change in myself regardless of whether I stayed married or not. The healing helped me paint a vision of the marriage I desired and deserved. I express myself more healthily now and listen to that uneasiness in myself. I have no intentions of letting go of these gifts because I worked too hard to get them.