When partners begin their healing journey, they usually experience shock, disappointment, emotional distress, or possibly PTSD. With time, these betrayal trauma symptoms decrease. Partners tend to evolve into their best versions of themselves as their wounds heal, not because there is something wrong with them but because this is a natural pattern of healing well. Your partner is experiencing what many consider to be a life-changing experience. Whether they stay in the relationship or not, they are different- how could they not be? Here are a few possible changes you might see in your partner as she heals:
1. Your partner may no longer believe what you say. Since you’ve betrayed your partner, she is left questioning everything she believed about you and the relationship. You may have even given her a disclosure, but that doesn’t mean she feels free to trust your words now. This takes time, and your behavior and honesty will make the difference in your partner’s ability to trust you again. Your partner will most likely watch your actions, putting little stock in your words.
If my husband had told me the sky was blue, I would have questioned it. I did not believe anything he said. The only thing I trusted was my husband’s observable behavior.
Honestly, I didn’t even want my husband to tell me anything—no compliments, promises, or guarantees—because, at that stage, I figured he would tell me anything to calm me down and minimize the situation. Today, I still trust my husband’s behavior more than his words. Not because I believe he’s acting out but because looking at his behavior is a better way for me to assess specific situations.
2. Your partner will no longer blow off things she may have previously given you the benefit of the doubt. Your partner can’t afford to provide you with the benefit of the doubt because it enabled your behavior. Your partner wants to feel safe, which means she may question everything, even things she previously didn’t ask. In the beginning, there can be a great deal of fear and anxiety regarding whether you will betray her again. Now, she may find herself asking you to explain the following:
– Why are you ten minutes later getting home than you said you would be?
– Why were you at the gym longer than you usually are?
– You said you would call me at 9 p.m. from the hotel you are staying at for your business trip. You said you fell asleep, which is why you didn’t call and didn’t call, but why should I believe you?
– How could you forget to tell me about the last-minute happy hour invite from your colleagues before agreeing to go?
– Why didn’t you tell me about the additional money you withdrew from the ATM yesterday?
– I noticed the office door was shut last night, with very little light coming through the room. Were you looking at porn?
These may be innocent coincidences, but not to your partner. Remember, you shattered her ability to give you the benefit of the doubt-it’s a privilege you took advantage of, and it will take a great deal of work to earn it back.
When all hell broke loose in my life, I had to shift from giving my husband the benefit of the doubt to clarifying my expectations. Here are a few examples:
– I expected my husband to tell me if he would be home late and when I should expect him.
– If my husband was going to Home Depot but realized he had to go to a different store to find a particular item, I expected him to tell me because he was going elsewhere that wasn’t indicated initially.
– I would question bank withdrawals that looked suspicious.
I wasn’t trying to control my husband; I was seeking safety because I didn’t completely trust him. My husband knew not to argue. As far as I was concerned, I had a right to my expectations and boundaries. Not to mention, I wouldn’t have created these expectations if he hadn’t betrayed me in the first place.
Learning to trust myself more has been one of the best gifts of my healing journey. I no longer ask many questions but trust and acknowledge my intuition. If something doesn’t feel right, I discuss it with my husband instead of keeping it to myself.
3. Your partner may put herself higher on the list of priorities. Many partners of sex addicts complain that they put everyone else’s needs above their own. Once partners begin healing from betrayal trauma, they put themselves on the priority list or move themselves up because they recognize that their healing is vital. For some partners, their healing becomes more important than the relationship with the sex addict. After all, if they decide to stay In the relationship, they don’t want to operate from unhealed pain. Some sex addicts are offended by this and describe their partner as selfish, which is ironic. Isn’t sex addiction all about the addict selfishly pleasing himself despite the harm it may cause those who love and care about him?
4. Partners may increase their self-care activities. Self-care is spoken about a great deal in support groups, therapy, and books for the betrayed partner. Partners realize they can’t depend on their sex addict to make them feel better or heal their wounds. Your partner may have previously leaned too much on you for a sense of security or identity. Now, partners are encouraged to take the spotlight off of their sex addict and place it on themselves. Partners may ponder how they can better care for themselves as they heal. It’s very empowering for the partner when she tries to care for herself despite the pain she may be experiencing.
I put myself and my healing needs at the top of my list after God and my children. The marriage was no longer a priority to me. I didn’t know if I would stay married or not, but I knew I needed to heal from the pain, and I didn’t want to continue on the path I was on in the relationship before I received a disclosure. A path of not listening or trusting myself, not living in the reality of what my husband’s porn use was doing to me, accepting my husband’s porn habit, and ignoring my uneasiness in the marriage. If I chose to stay, I wanted to show up differently in my marriage.
I’ve often used the analogy of having a gushing wound that was hard to stop without my full attention if I was going to survive. So, I had to put all of my effort into my bleeding wounds because, unlike television shows, no doctor was going to rush to me to heal my wounds. I realized healing my wounds was an act of self-care. It was my responsibility to address my needs. This meant listening to myself and taking action to make myself feel better in a healthy manner.
I know this sounds harsh, but your partner doesn’t feel supported by you initially, and you’re not in a position to help your partner. You both are experiencing pain and trauma. Neither of you can do much for each other. If your partner is wise, she will seek resources and support to help her heal.
Part 2 of this entry will post next week.