You can be INTENTIONAL in your healing. (Pt. 1)

When I think of intentional healing as it relates to betrayal trauma, I think of deliberate actions and plans one chooses in preparation to move on in one’s life healthily.  Healing Circle Group defines intentional healing as “the conscious sustained effort to enhance the healing process; a conscious strategy supporting this natural process, a sustained interest in doing whatever you can to heal.” You don’t have to stay stuck in your pain, waiting for the sex addict to rescue you.  You can make choices about your healing – YOU CAN BE INTENTIONAL!

Partners who are intentional in their healing are willing to do the work because they look to the future with expectation.  They do this work regardless of the following:

• They don’t feel like it.
• They are tired.
• They are frustrated.
• Their addict is in “active” addiction.
• Their addict is sober.
• The addict is no longer in the picture.

Being intentional in your healing means staying focused on your goal despite the chaos circulating.

For me, intentional healing began with me defining my healing goals.  Here are a few of them:

• I decided to heal well.
• I didn’t want to continue feeling like a victim.
• I wanted to make decisions from a place of peace.
• I wanted to live authentically.
• I wanted to come out on the other side of my pain emotionally, spiritually, and mentally healthier.

Ultimately, I wanted my efforts to mean something beyond healing from pain.  I wanted the type of healing I could carry long-term that would improve my relationship with God, my family, my friends, and myself – turning my pain into power.

Although I focused on my healing goals, there were challenges I had to conquer along the way to reach my healing goals.  For example, in the beginning, I wanted to stop the bleeding wound from the pain.  Then, I tried to manage the triggers and the PTSD symptoms more effectively.  Next, I wanted to learn more about sex addiction and co-dependency.  Following that, I tried to work the 12 steps of S-ANON faithfully.  I also wanted to work on my character defects and establish boundaries I would commit to if my husband violated them.  I didn’t tackle these challenges easily, but staying focused on my healing goals made overcoming the challenges necessary steps to get to where I was striving to be.

Intentional healing is essential because it forces you to consider what you want in your healing.  Despite the pain of betrayal, you can strive for the life you deserve.  You didn’t choose to be in this situation; you didn’t cause the problem, but you can control how or if you heal.  You can let the pain of betrayal control you or take your power back by choosing to heal.  When you heal well, everyone benefits: your family, friends, co-workers, and, most importantly, you.

You may wonder why I chose to distinguish between intentional and non-intentional healing.  Once you decide to heal from betrayal trauma, you must determine how you will go about this despite your emotions.  Hoping everything will get better with time because you are a good person, that’s the way it should be, or you believe your addict will eventually behave; isn’t how effective healing works.  I’ve seen enough difference between those who intentionally heal and those who don’t to notice the apparent difference in their healing.  Let me give you examples:

Non-intentional partners:

1. Julie has decided to accept the fact that her husband isn’t committed to recovering from sex addiction.  Julie tells herself there’s no point in pursuing healing for herself because it won’t change her husband’s behavior.  Although Julie recognizes she is becoming increasingly depressed, she’s willing to settle for her current situation at the risk of her mental health.

• Georgiana decides she is too angry to pursue healing for herself.  She resents thinking about her healing since she isn’t the person with the issue.  Her husband is the one who needs to do the work.  She’d rather be angry than exhaust herself with healing actions as if she’s the one with the problem.

• Jody believes that as long as her partner doesn’t “act out,” she doesn’t need to heal.  If her partner is being “good,” then she’s good.

• Jessica’s husband is in jail for his use of child pornography.  She figures her break from her husband while he’s in jail is all the healing she needs.

• Jake believes weak people seek healing from betrayal trauma.  All he needs to do is ensure his partner is doing what she promised.  Sure, Jake feels anxious, experiences triggers, and struggles to sleep at night, but Jake tells himself this will pass with time.  There is no way he’s going to admit his partner’s behavior impacted him to the point of seeking help for himself.  He doesn’t want to give his partner the advantage of knowing how badly her behavior hurt him.

All of these people have chosen not to invest in their healing.  Ironically, choosing not to be intentional is a deliberate decision.  Sadly, it’s a decision that often damages the partner.

Intentional partners:

1. It’s been two years since Heidi divorced from her sex addict.  Although she doesn’t regret the divorce, she continues to make deliberate efforts to heal from betrayal trauma through prayer and seeing a therapist because Heidi wants to learn whatever there is to know about herself from what she’s been through. 

• Joan’s husband has been sober from sex addiction for four years.  However, Joan still practices the 12 steps, works with partners who are accountable to her, and attends healing retreats when she can.  Although Joan is grateful for her husband’s sobriety, she didn’t deal with her husband’s active addiction in a healthy manner previously, which not only hurt her but her relationship with her children.  Joan doesn’t want to return to the unhealthy lifestyle, so she continues to seek betrayal trauma healing for herself.
• Phoebe’s ex-fiancé hurt her so badly that she ended the engagement and quickly started dating someone else, whom she ended up marrying, only to find out he’s a sex addict as well.  Although Phoebe has no idea if she’s staying in the marriage, she is committed to healing.  Phoebe sees a therapist, attends a group exercise class, journals, meditates, and reads literature for partners of sex addicts.  Although her future with her husband is uncertain, she knows healing from betrayal trauma isn’t.  She is committed to healing from betrayal trauma no matter how long it takes whether her marriage survives or not.

• Beverly has been married for 40 years.  She knew her husband had a few affairs, but she told herself it was because she was gaining weight.  Now Beverly realizes the few affairs were several which resulted in children outside of the marriage.  To make matters worse, she learned her husband spent a large amount of money on prostitutes.  Despite Beverly’s devastation, it is evident healing is critical, which means Beverly can no longer blame herself for someone else’s poor choices.  Beverly is seeing a therapist to explore why she accepted unacceptable behavior for decades and attending a Christian-based support group for partners of sex addicts.  Beverly also attends two meetings a week and attends yoga.  Beverly has asked for a separation for the time being so she can focus on her healing.

• James and his wife have been married for 25 years.  He learned of his wife’s addiction ten years ago, and she’s been sober for eight years.  Although James is grateful, his wife has remained sober, and she actively works a recovery program.  James still attends meetings, meets with his therapist monthly, and connects with other partners of sex addicts.  James is happy with the decision to stay in the marriage and loves the healing work he and his wife have done as a couple.  However, James knows if his wife were to backslide, he would be okay, thanks to the work he’s done and continues to do.  He tells people the peace he experiences now is priceless.

• Jennifer’s husband is in a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction.  Jennifer now finds herself parenting their two small children by herself, leaving her to ask family members and close friends to watch them occasionally so she can go to the gym, attend a support group, and have quiet time to journal as part of her healing.  Jennifer also asked her boss for permission to leave work early every other week to see her therapist.  Jennifer hates being away from her kids a few hours a week, especially since their father is in rehab, but she knows she will be a better parent if she takes care of herself.

All these people made intentional decisions regarding their healing.  They differed in what they chose as game plans but committed to actions for desired results. 

Part 2 will post on April 8^th.