If you want to be in a relationship with someone who knows you’re a recovering sex addict, honesty is not optional, it’s essential. This may seem like an obvious expectation, but I know many partners of recovering sex addicts who share stories of discovering secrets their addict tried to conceal from them while claiming they were working a program. Your partner is brave enough to take the risk of giving you the benefit of the doubt as you heal from sex addiction; you owe it to your partner to be honest moving forward. Besides, a relationship can’t improve after sex addiction is revealed if there are still hidden secrets; everything must exist in the light.
Honesty is one of the few things you can give your partner to help her or him heal. You must be honest about all aspects of your life because your behavior has traumatized your partner, making it difficult to believe anything you say which also makes it hard for your partner to relax in the relationship. Therefore, the burden of earning your partner’s trust rests on your shoulders. You can’t earn your partner’s trust and carry the weight of your secrets simultaneously; this behavior feeds your addiction and hurts your relationship.
If you are reading this and thinking, I got this, I have been honest ever since my addiction was revealed, please keep up the good work whether your partner is still in the picture or not. You are now living a life of integrity and hopefully maintaining your sobriety. If are keeping secrets despite actively trying to maintain your sobriety you may have to take a deep dive to figure out why you continue to do this and possibly consider sharing this concern with an accountability partner.
Merriam-Webster defines a secret as something kept hidden or unexplained. When it comes to betrayal trauma, I define a secret as anything deliberately withheld from the sex addict’s partner, which the partner is entitled to because the information can give insight into the sex addict’s recovery status. For me, one of the resentments I felt towards my husband when I received a disclosure was the fact that he kept information from me which I could have used to make different decisions about our relationship, boundaries, how we communicated, and my health. Once my husband gave me a disclosure, I knew I couldn’t continue in the relationship if the lies didn’t cease immediately. Here are some secrets I define as unacceptable in a relationship with a sex addict who claims to be working a program:
- You skip a meeting your partner believes you are attending.
- You lie about why you’re late getting home from work even though you weren’t acting out.
- You broke a boundary but didn’t tell your accountability partner/sponsor/therapist, or partner.
- You lie to the kids when they ask why mom is so upset lately by explaining something is wrong with her. (Note: Some information isn’t appropriate to share with children, but painting your partner as the villain isn’t fair, particularly since you are the one who has betrayed your partner).
- You still have that cell phone you used when you were in active addiction. You haven’t used it in a long time, but you can’t bring yourself to get rid of it. Yet your partner thinks you got rid of it a long time ago.
- Your former acting-out partner still tries to contact you. You are no longer involved with this person, so you don’t see the importance of telling your partner even though your partner has made it clear any communication with the previous acting-out partner is unacceptable even if you aren’t the one pursuing resuming contact with the other person.
- You still withdraw a little extra from the bank account than you and your partner agreed upon just to have the cash because you feel entitled to it, and besides, you aren’t using it to act out, so who cares?
- You are still acting out in other addictions that you told your partner were no longer challenging for you, such as alcohol, gambling or over-eating, etc.
- You gave a “trickle-down” disclosure versus a full disclosure.
You may be reading this and thinking, Joy, these are ridiculous, you are paranoid. But this is precisely the point, your behavior was traumatizing, and little white lies or secrets are triggering to a trauma victim regardless of the size of the secret or if the secret is related to sex addiction. Undisclosed secrets discovered by a partner can set couples’ healing back. When a partner decides to give the sex addict the benefit of the doubt while gradually leaning into the relationship a secret can feel like being blind-sided all over again. Furthermore, it doesn’t have to be a lie; it could be anything that seems deceitful. Let me give you an example:
Many years ago, my husband, daughter, and I came home late from a midnight movie. My husband insisted we stop for gas. It was weird because we had enough gas to get home, and it was close to 2 a.m. He pumped the gas, but then I watched him go inside the gas station, which he didn’t need to do because he already paid for gas at the pump. He walked up and down the aisle, looking for something. Eventually, he went to the cashier to pay for an item I couldn’t see from the car. It didn’t take me long to realize he was buying a pack of cigarettes; he just used the gas as an excuse and tried to fool us by walking up the aisles like he was looking for something so we wouldn’t see him buying cigarettes. This was so upsetting to me because my daughter and I knew my husband smoked, so it wasn’t a secret. However, for him to stop at 2 a.m. for cigarettes without us saying anything, he had to use the gas station as an excuse. He wasn’t acting out in his addiction, but the sneakiness of the whole situation was upsetting to me. My husband chose to be sneaky versus honest because he didn’t want to hear my daughter and me fuss.
The cigarette incident happened a few years ago, and I can tell you it was unfortunate because it set the relationship back briefly. I’ve been on this healing journey for ten years now, and I am amazed by the partners who eventually leave their addicts, not so much because of the slips and relapses but more because of the constant lies which can be exhausting. After a while, a partner realizes they don’t have to keep scratching their heads wondering if their sex addict is telling the truth this time around; they don’t have to keep letting the anxiety caused by the sex addict’s lies run their emotions.
“Be realistic, Joy. Aren’t I entitled to keep some things to myself? I am an adult, after all! The answer to this is yes and no. If you broke a boundary that you know your partner expects you to admit to and you haven’t done it, that’s not okay. I know partners who tell their addicts they don’t want to hear about acting out behavior unless it involves touching another person. Other partners wish not to know what their sex addicts do unless it consists of breaking the law. But who are you fooling? You know what is appropriate honesty in a relationship. Even if you’ve done something your partner doesn’t wish to know, don’t you want to process it with an accountability partner or therapist to keep yourself honest? After all, isn’t this part of you staying sober and sincere in your recovery process? For me, I didn’t want to know each time my husband was tempted because that would be exhausting to me, and I figured he had people in his recovery program who could help him with temptations. However, I didn’t expect my husband to be sneaky or keep secrets from me moving forward because we both knew how damning they were to our relationship and his recovery.
I truly believe secrets separate a couple from experiencing true intimacy.
When a betrayal trauma survivor experiences a secret while they are trying to trust their sex addict, it can be even more upsetting than the previous lies. Think about it, it’s one thing to keep secrets while in active addiction it’s another thing to keep secrets when you are supposed to be recovering from your addiction. What may seem minor to you may not seem so little to your partner. The discovery of secrets is retriggering because the partner is left asking themselves, “If my addict can lie or withhold information from me while recovering from sex addiction, then my addict can act out, which makes me feel fearful and anxious. I wonder why I am even giving my addict any benefit of the doubt; he/she takes my struggle to trust for granted.”
If you genuinely want to live a life of integrity, regardless of whether you are in a relationship with your partner or not, you have to say goodbye to the secrets. As a partner of a recovering sex addict, I can tell you I don’t have the capacity for it anymore. My husband and I are still together ten years after disclosure. We’ve both sought individual and couples therapy, and my husband has been sober for many years. Still, if I discovered lies of any kind, I would leave him regardless of the years we’ve spent healing because I know I deserve better.
Please say goodbye to secrets so honesty can shine through, lighting a pathway for hope.