If a sex addict has betrayed you, whether you are still in the relationship or not, this blog may be for you. You may have been healing from the betrayal of another for years or new to the whole idea. Many of us find ourselves somewhere in the middle of healing. We feel better than we used to, have more knowledge about sex addiction, and do things to continue healing. However, we still find ourselves getting triggered, angry, depressed, or questioning if we should stay in our relationship (if we haven’t left already). I describe this stage as “Limbo Land.” If you fit into this last group, you are definitely in the right place!
I longed to find a straightforward discussion for people in Limbo Land. There is information for those who are new to sex addiction and the healing process. Still, there isn’t as much information in the format of a blog that addresses the ups and downs of the healing process for women who aren’t new to the healing process. We still have issues to process and digest in our healing process.
Some of you may feel like you are ahead of your significant other in your healing or your relationship still leaves you wondering what the future looks like for both of you. Most of the women I have met feel like this. I would describe myself as this person in terms of my marriage. However, I have avoided feeling like I am running in place, waiting on someone to be all I think he can be, by continuing on my healing journey, trusting God to reveal the answers.
I hope this blog will motivate you to keep working on your healing regardless if it’s going well, horrible, or somewhere in the middle because I know the journey can be all three but thank God, not all at the same time. This journey is worth it, but it is not smooth. However, if you want to heal well, the bumps are worth it because you will experience long-term benefits. So let this blog be your hope and encouragement in your healing process. If you feel broken, know this is normal and temporary. You don’t have to let the betrayal of another break you; the betrayal doesn’t have to be the end for you.
I am here to validate what you are going through regardless of where you are on your healing journey. I will do this with candid talk about what I’ve experienced, what gets on my nerves regarding the healing process, things that helped me, my current struggles, and the joy one experiences when they do the work. That’s right, this is work, there is no other way to say it, and I don’t sugarcoat anything. The process is painful, bumpy, and sometimes depressing, but as I begin to see the light from my eight-year journey, I can tell you it is worth it.
I haven’t graduated from my journey, and I don’t dare proclaim to have all of the answers. However, I know I could have benefitted from frank talk about the effects of another person’s sex addiction without the flowery terms, theories, and confusing information that is out there. I have seen people seek healing who feel more traumatized and hurt with the information they receive, which can break them. I refuse to watch another person seek help due to another’s betrayal, only to find themselves broken and confused. It doesn’t have to be this way; it shouldn’t be this way.
A LITTLE ABOUT MYSELF:
I will be using the name Joy P. Jamison for the time being to protect my children with the hope of revealing my true identity when the time is appropriate, but everything in this blog is the truth. I am a middle-aged woman who is married to a recovering sex addict. We’ve been married for twenty-five years, and he has spent most of our marriage in active addiction (a.k.a, strip clubs, prostitutes, masturbation, porn, and an affair). Yes, it sucks to admit that in writing, but I am committed to being authentic. Of course, some of you will judge me, but that is the risk I am willing to take in my quest, to be honest.
Feel free to check out the MY STORY (Part 1 and Part 2) for the whole story.
WHERE AM I NOW?
Today, I attend a support group, see a therapist, and a couples therapist with my husband. I read information about sex addiction and listen to podcasts but not with the vigor I did years ago because I am no longer in crisis. I had to get to a place where I became grounded on what I believe about sex addiction and what is working or has worked for me. I am in a much better place not because my husband is doing what he signed up to do on my wedding day (be faithful) or because he is working his program but because I have done the work while relying on God. I am not going to say I was sick too, and it was inevitable that I would end up with a sex addict. Although I do believe that is the story for some.
I did have some unhealthy coping skills, and there are still things about myself I need to change regardless of what my husband does. Here is the thing, whether I leave the marriage or stay, I can’t escape myself. I still have to look in the mirror every day and make decisions about how I am going to live my life; how I am going to show up; and my husband can’t do that for me, nor would I want him to; he has his healing to do, he’s flawed, and he’s not my God.
I began this healing process because of the pain my husband’s behavior caused, but I have gained much more than healing from betrayal, and I continue to thrive. I am becoming a person who is no longer a victim nor a survivor but a woman who chooses to live life differently and enjoy more of it. I have worked my but off and still do because I am worth the effort, and so are you!
THIS BLOG IS NOT FOR YOU IF:
- you are interested in reading a blog to get your significant other to stop misbehaving
- you don’t want to spend time working on yourself – you want to figure out how to quickly perform the formula to figure out to stay or leave
- you are determined to stay in the relationship even if your significant other’s behavior continues or escalates
- You realize you are putting your head in the sand about your significant other’s behavior, but it’s just too painful to live in the truth, and you are hoping he will stop now that you know.
This blog isn’t about your significant other, how to fix your relationship, or tolerating unacceptable behavior. Instead, this blog is about your healing process.
ARE YOU READY?
As you read Betrayed, not Broken, imagine us sitting around a warm fireplace discussing our healing journey with one another. This blog is a safe space for you to explore your journey and examine what applies to you. Betrayed, not Broken, is where you can come to be comforted, affirmed, inspired, or maybe even experience a chuckle. I sure hope you will join me!
Side Note: I often refer to the addict as a male and the betrayed partner as a female for consistency, but I have come to know and love my brothers, who are healing from the effects of another person’s betrayal through sex addiction. I know males go through the same trauma as betrayed women- why wouldn’t they? Betrayal is betrayal, and it doesn’t discriminate. So if you are a betrayed male, I hope you know you can sit by the fire as well.
*Photo Credit Jon Tyson