We all know positive self-talk is crucial for self-esteem and emotional well-being. However, it’s even more critical when one is healing from betrayal trauma because it can impact how one shows up daily for themselves and others. How we talk to ourselves while healing from betrayal trauma is the difference between motivation versus harm and inspiration versus discouragement. It is my hope that you will use positive self-talk on your healing journey or continue to use this tool if you are already doing so, whether you stay in a relationship with a sex addict or not. However, I know this is easier said than done.
When I first received my disclosure, I told myself the following:
1- You were naive to trust him after the first betrayal.
2- You were never enough for him.
3- He thought I was stupid and believed he could get away with his betrayals.
4- You can’t pick a husband or trust yourself.
I distinctly remember going to the gym and telling myself, This is hopeless; you are hopeless– going to the gym won’t keep my husband faithful. You’ve been going to the gym all this time; look at what it’s gotten you. Needless to say, I ended up leaving the gym without working out; my self–talk wasn’t very motivating. This was a low point I will never forget. Thankfully, with prayer, therapy, and support groups, I didn’t stay in this place for a long time. I started replacing negative self-talk statements with the following:
- This wasn’t my fault.
- I didn’t know my husband was a sex addict.
- I made decisions regarding the first affair based on the information I had at the time.
- I’m a victim, but I don’t have to stay a victim – I can survive and even thrive!
- My husband took my trust for granted. I’m not stupid.
- My husband is sick, not me.
- My husband is a recovering sex addict, and I am healing from the pain caused by his betrayals.
- I deserve to make my healing a priority.
- I am a good person
- I deserve to be gentle with myself.
- I am not naive.
The more I learned about sex addiction, the more I started to realize my husband was on a path to becoming a sex addict years before I even met him. Thankfully, my husband shared some of his childhood experiences to help open my eyes to this reality. I realized I wasn’t a massive part of the addiction equation, so there was no need to beat myself up. My husband consistently told me, You had nothing to do with my addiction.
The road to healing for your journey is hard enough without making it worse by adding negative self-talk. The best thing one can do is practice positive self-talk while healing from betrayal trauma, which is a practice of self-compassion. I needed buckets of self-compassion on my journey. Although rare, I still need a tiny dose of self-compassion if I am triggered or having a rough moment.
Telling yourself you’re fat, unattractive, or not sexy enough won’t change the past or make you feel better. Furthermore, these statements aren’t the reason your partner is a sex addict. A partner would serve themselves better by not even going there when they get the itch to speak negatively about themselves.
Here are some things that helped me when I got the itch to speak negatively to myself:
- I had a sponsor/accountability partner and a therapist who would call me out on this when I started to talk negatively.
- I would adjust my journal entries if I noticed I wrote negatively about myself.
- I would sometimes read my list of affirmations out loud if necessary. (Check out my previous entry regarding Positive Affirmations)
- I would use Brene Brown’s technique from Rising Strong to examine the story I was telling myself about a particular situation or thought. This technique would make me question whether the story I was telling myself was true reality or harsh, examining whether my self-talk was supportive or harmful.
- Pray for something else to replace the negative thoughts in my head.
- I would think about how I believed God saw me. It was my belief God saw me more positively than I saw myself. God wouldn’t talk to me the way I spoke to myself. If anything, I would visualize him weeping and grieving for the pain I was experiencing with open arms, ready to comfort me.
- Sometimes, I would ask myself if a good friend were in my situation and saying what I was saying about myself, what would I say to counter the negativity? I envisioned my response and grabbed a hold of it for myself.
Today, I live in the awareness that negative self-talk is always an option for me to pick up when I’m feeling vulnerable or low regarding my past with my sex addict or the current challenges of my healing journey.
Some instances or circumstances make positive self-talk more challenging:
You don’t know whether to stay or leave the relationship.
Beating yourself up because you don’t know if staying or leaving the relationship is unnecessary. Few partners know immediately what they will do about the relationship, even if they ask the partner to go for a designated time or sleep in a separate room. The more you heal, the better equipped you will be to decide what you want to do about your relationship. Hopefully, this will motivate you to continue healing.
The sex addict chooses to leave the relationship.
A person with an addiction can leave the relationship at any time, just like you can. If your sex addict leaves the relationship before either of you can commit to healing and the potential benefits, it says more about him than you. Even if he leaves after significant time has been spent on individual or couple healing, this is not permission for you to engage in negative self-talk. Acknowledging the end of the relationship and choosing to cherish the lessons learned is much more fruitful than negative self-talk.
The addict continues to relapse or slip.
Your partner’s continued slips or relapses are about your addict’s inability to stay sober, which has nothing to do with you. Taking the blame for the actions of another is not only hurtful to you but a form of codependency. If your addict slips or relapses, let him take accountability for his actions. You don’t need to smear yourself with dirt by speaking negatively about yourself like you did something wrong. Work your own healing instead by examining the impact your addict’s behavior is causing you with a willingness to share that with your addict.
One has to be intentional when it comes to practicing positive self-talk. Consider equipping yourself with alternatives to combat the negative self-talk itch with something more helpful, such as scripture, song, positive affirmations, laughter, doing something you enjoy, a nap, reversing the thought to something supportive or encouraging instead of deflating. You are healing from betrayal trauma now, so you can be the best version of yourself later without carrying the weight of your partner’s addiction. You want to move on in your life in a healthy manner. If you’ve been on the journey for a while and get that itch occasionally, know you are equipped to deal with the itch, and you don’t have to beat yourself for having it. You are human, not perfect.
I invite you to add to the “starter list” of encouraging affirmations listed below, even if you don’t believe what I’ve listed. Once you’ve added your thoughts to the list, I hope you will put it somewhere you can access when needed, such as your phone, nightstand, bathroom mirror, or car.
As you enter 2025, I hope you will use positive self-talk as you continue to heal from betrayal trauma. This journey isn’t easy, but you have what it takes to continue to thrive, blowing negative self-talk to the wind to fly far away from you! One of the best gifts of self-compassion you can give yourself on your healing journey is the tool of positive self-talk. It’s called “self-talk” because no one else can do this for you; you must do it yourself. Practicing positive self-talk can be empowering, and you are definitely worth the effort.
Affirmations to combat negative self-talk while healing from betrayal trauma:
I am Enough!
I don’t believe that it’s my fault my partner is an addict.
Today is tough, but I will make it.
I love myself enough to make my healing a priority.
I am a gem; my partner would be wise to do everything he can to keep me.
I am a child of God, beautiful in his sight.
I am loveable.
I deserve honesty and respect in a relationship.
I am capable of the effort required to heal from betrayal trauma.