I used to hear people talk about living the Recovery Lifestyle in one of the support groups I attended, and I wondered what on earth they were talking about. Did this lifestyle mean I would go to meetings forever or live in limbo indefinitely? Thankfully, living this lifestyle doesn’t mean either. Let’s face it, life changes, we change, and our relationship with the sex addict may change. How we sustain our healing will likely change over time as well. The best part is that we get to define what our Healing Lifestyle looks like for ourselves.
Many of you know I hate to use the word “recovery” when it comes to the betrayed partners’ process because it insinuates that we are sick, and I don’t subscribe to that belief 100%. Therefore, I will be using the term “Healing Lifestyle” in this blog entry rather than “Recovery Lifestyle.” We may or may not be sick, but we have been impacted by betrayal trauma, setting us on our own healing journeys. Living a lifestyle that sustains our healing efforts only makes sense.
Living a Healing Lifestyle means the following to me:
Choosing to respond versus reacting. This is something I must work on because being “reactive” comes naturally to me, but it’s not beneficial. My reactive responses didn’t help my healing, nor did they help my interactions with my family. Today, when I start to feel upset, I try to take a deep breath, excuse myself from the room, or pray so I can respond calmly. Thankfully, I’m not at the beginning of my healing journey or experiencing PTSD, so trying to be mindful of responding versus reacting is easier these days. However, I don’t always get this right, which means I must quickly apologize when I screw this up.
Relying on my faith. I knew I had to lean on God if I was going to make it while experiencing pain, confusion, and devastation. Till this day, I still remember lying on the floor the night I received the disclosure, praying and crying in agony, begging God for help. The word “heal” crept into my spirit that night. God was telling me to focus on my healing first, which would enable me to manage my ruminating concerns, fears, anxieties, and thoughts. I felt like I was walking in the dark, trusting God to hold the flashlight, because I didn’t even have the strength to carry it myself. My faith remains the foundation of my healing journey.
Staying in touch with my feelings. I must stay aware of my feelings and be willing to express them. Previously, I stuffed my feelings down or raged, never allowing myself to get in touch with how my husband’s “porn habit” was truly impacting me. At other times, I shopped, ate unhealthy food, and drank a little too much. As I began to heal, I had to acknowledge that my old way of managing my feelings/emotions would no longer work.
Today, when I am upset about something, I ask myself, “How is this making me feel? At times, I will challenge myself and ask, “Why do I feel this way?” It is my job to assert myself as someone who has feelings and can share them with my husband and others in a healthy manner.
Managing my triggers. Triggers creep up occasionally. There was a time I would tell myself, “You’ve been healing for years, you shouldn’t be triggered, just let it pass.” However, I realized ignoring my triggers was impossible. The healthier option was to acknowledge what I was experiencing and how it made me feel. It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been healing; if I’m experiencing a trigger, I need to deal with it. Today, I know there are tools I can use to help me manage what triggers bring up in me.
Avoiding triggers. I love movies and documentaries, but there are some I don’t watch if I know they may trigger me. I’ve watched things and checked in with myself halfway to make sure I was okay continuing. Living the Healing Lifestyle means loving myself enough to avoid unnecessary pain. Triggers will sneak up regardless, so I don’t see the sense in deliberately putting myself in a situation I can avoid that I know will trigger me. I avoid the following:
- Movies that portray in a positive light.
- Documentaries that explore prostitution or strip club activities.
- Vulgar comedies that normalize porn usage.
Connecting with others, healing from betrayal trauma. It is so easy to isolate when you first discover your partner’s addiction, but it’s not beneficial for your healing. I have a few close friends who are also healing from betrayal trauma that I connect with from time to time. We connect to say “hello”, vent, or share a chuckle. There is great value in feeling heard and seen by those who know this part of my life because most of my friends don’t.
Expressing myself clearly to my husband with vulnerability. I still work on it because I can’t go back to the way things used to be. My journey teaches me I must work on this if I want to have the type of marriage I feel I deserve. As my trust in my husband has increased, so has my willingness to speak to him with vulnerability and openness. Sometimes I have to pray first before I initiate tough conversations with him. At other times, I connect with people I am accountable to in my healing journey before having tough conversations with my husband. This is probably the most challenging part of my Healing Lifestyle commitment.
Responding to those who reach out to me. I’m not one of those people who think I have all of the answers, or I’ve graduated from betrayal trauma healing. If someone from my healing circles reaches out to me, I always respond. People have been there for me in the past, and I consider it a privilege to be there for someone who may need to talk or share a concern. Having these conversations helps me as well because I don’t ever want to forget how betrayal trauma impacted me and the work I’ve done to heal.
Staying updated on different theories and approaches regarding betrayal trauma healing. I like to stay abreast of different approaches or theories regarding betrayal trauma healing as it relates to those impacted by someone else’s sex addiction. The resources I knew about 12 years ago and the things I’ve become aware of since then have been intriguing. The amount of resources available to those healing from betrayal trauma is increasing, which is a good thing. More information gives partners more choices for their healing. There are some approaches I agree with and some I don’t, but I’m always open to learning what is available to help partners heal from betrayal trauma.
Transparent interactions with my children. I’ve had uncomfortable conversations with my adult children regarding forgiveness, why I chose to stay, and how our behavior impacted their childhood. My children spent years watching my husband and me go through the ups and downs of our couple’s healing. They are young adults now who know their father is a sex addict. My husband has shared some of the things that contributed to his addiction with our children in hopes that they will recognize the signs of sex addiction if present in themselves or a future partner. We continue to keep the line of communication open so our children know they can ask questions or share their thoughts.
“Control” Check-ins. Years of betrayal trauma healing have shown me I control very little. I can’t tell you how many times I would catch my husband watching porn, which would follow with him apologizing, saying it wouldn’t happen again, only to find him watching porn again a few months later. It didn’t matter if I screamed, withheld sex, or gave my husband the silent treatment; porn was always in the picture.
After receiving a disclosure, I found it challenging not to suggest books, groups, and workshops for my husband’s recovery. I could see him working on his program, but not with the same vigor I was using to work on my own healing. I wished my husband had continued to see a therapist longer and attend workshops, but neither of these was mine to control. Just as I get to create my Healing Lifestyle for myself, so does my husband.
Today, I still must ask myself, “Is this mine to manage?” If the answer is “no,” I release it. This has been more challenging with my adult children, but I tell myself, “I have to practice what I’ve learned from all these years of healing”. So, I keep my mouth shut, giving my children the dignity of making their own decisions, even if I can see their decisions may not be the most beneficial for them. Prayer, breathing, and talking to someone from my healing community tend to help a great deal.
“Healing” Check-ins. I still check in with myself throughout the year to gauge my healing status. Am I anxious? Do my boundaries still work? Am I fearful? Am I happy? How do I feel about still being married? It’s important to me that I’m clear where I am in my healing process and comfortable in my own skin. I even go back and look at my old journal entries now and then to compare the present to where I was years ago. Additionally, I consider what tools I can add or use more often as part of my Healing Check-in.
Expressing my needs. I am much better at pointing out what I want in the marriage. If my husband responds to something in a way I feel isn’t as empathic as I would like, I have no problem pointing out other ways he could have responded to me. My husband can’t read my mind, and I can’t read his. We’ve been married a long time and healing as a couple for a while, so I don’t have time to be vague when it comes to expressing my needs. Expressing my needs isn’t always pretty, but necessary.
I still participate in meetings, journaling, and other healing tools. I chose to use these tools because they work and I enjoy them. Although I don’t use them with the same intensity I did at the beginning of my journey, they are part of my life, no longer tasks or obligations. I use the tools to keep what I’ve learned and gained throughout the years. For me, living the Healing Lifestyle means using great tools in other aspects of my life. It made no sense to throw them out of the window because my husband was maintaining his sobriety. If these tools help me enjoy a healthier and more peaceful life, why should I give them up?
Maintaining Boundaries. Once I learned of my husband’s addiction, I had to establish boundaries with him, which felt tedious at the time. However, I had to acknowledge my husband was sick, and I couldn’t afford to give him the benefit of the doubt anymore. The boundaries I created with my husband are still in effect today. Being able to ask myself what I am willing and not willing to tolerate in situations with my husband and others has been incredibly empowering.
The act of creating boundaries reminds me that I have choices and I don’t have to feel like a victim.
Writing this blog entry has made me realize there is an area I still need to work on as part of my Healing Lifestyle, which is exactly why it’s beneficial to review your progress from time to time.
Moving forward, I want to have more check-ins with my husband; we’ve gotten away from that, but I think we need to step up our game. It is my right to know how he is doing with his recovery as it relates to his sobriety. I know he attends meetings, works the steps, and connects with his sponsor. However, it does neither one of us any good to ignore the elephant in the room – My husband used sexual acting behavior to mend his pain. Yes, my husband has several years of sobriety, but that doesn’t mean he can’t relapse. I don’t need constant reassurance from him, but a conversation where we both check in regarding our healing journeys is another opportunity for intimacy.
Your Healing Lifestyle may look completely different from mine; you may have suggestions for me, which I am always open to receiving. The important thing is to live the Healing Lifestyle you’ve created. I’m an advocate for living the Healing Lifestyle because I’ve seen partners of sex addicts give up all their hard work because the sex addict in their life is being a good boy now, or the sex addict isn’t in their life. We work so hard to heal from the pain of betrayal, and I believe we are all worth the effort to maintain the gifts of our efforts.
Even if you have never sat down and really thought about living the Healing Lifestyle, my bet is you are doing something that would fall in that category. Afterall, you are reading this blog, which I believe counts. I cherish the Healing Lifestyle because I get to keep all the nuggets from the work I put into my healing. Sustaining these nuggets has made me a betterneighbor, mother, co-worker, friend, daughter, wife, and Christian, which is priceless.
