MY STORY (Pt. 2)

THE DISCLOSURE

I received the disclosure in a car on the side of a road, which was worse than I expected. The disclosure included things I hoped wouldn’t be in there. You see, I am a planner. Therefore, I had already made a list of what my husband might share in the disclosure. I had a couple of things on the list I wrote but thought, God, I hope it isn’t this or that.

My husband shared a disclosure that included one of the items I dreaded being on there and so much more. I screamed in the car and cried gut-wrenching tears; I had to accept I unknowingly married a sex addict.

Fortunately, my husband had to go out of town that day after sharing his disclosure. I asked a few questions, and he got out of his car to catch a flight. I wanted to kill my husband. I had never felt so much rage, pain, and disbelief in my life. This pain was a thousand times worse than what I experienced when I learned about the affair years ago.

I called the lady from my support group immediately. She had to listen to what she described as “wailing in pain,” and she did so with love, kindness, patience, and support. I will always be grateful to her.

I also emailed Molly Ann Miller, the author of My Husband Has A Secret: Finding Healing for the Betrayal of Sexual Addiction.  Well, I was desperate for help, and I figured this author might not respond, but what did I have to lose. Miller contacted me within two days. (Side note:  I’ve stayed in contact with Ms. Miller ever since she has been a great source of help and comfort to me. I love her).

I spent the rest of the afternoon hiding my tears and pain from my children, but late that night, I got on the floor and poured out everything to God from a place of hopelessness and despair. I didn’t think about killing myself, but there was a part of me that just thought I wish I were dead. Being dead without this information seemed easier than being alive with it because I couldn’t see how anything would ever be good, positive, or happy again. Instead, I saw gloom and darkness. 

Although my husband was out of town, I texted him all night raging at him with crazy text messages filled with cruel things, cuss words, and insults, which I now feel ashamed of. I was in shock and deep pain, and I wanted him to feel it through the phone. I know how crazy this sounds, even now just typing this, but I committed to being honest in this blog, and this is how it went down.

I was on the floor of my bedroom floor wailing in tears, begging God to tell me what was going to happen next, how the hell was this going to turn out. I literally asked God, “What should I do?” God gave me one word in my spirit …Heal. I felt comfort in my soul, and I knew I couldn’t predict the future, but I wasn’t going to dissolve or swivel up into a dark abyss with no idea how to function. I knew I needed to heal; I just had to figure out what this would look like for me.

I went to the Every Woman’s Battle group the next day. Two days later, I told the story to a therapist specializing in counseling for partners of sex addicts. I attended my first S-ANON group the following week. I still didn’t know what the future held for me, my family, or my marriage, but I clung to the word “heal.” I knew I had to do whatever it took to heal from the enormous amount of pain I was experiencing. I had to do this for myself and my children. 

My husband and I saw the marriage counselor soon after receiving my disclosure. The marriage counselor said he wasn’t going to see us anymore because we both needed to go into our corners and heal before we could heal as a couple; this was one of the best pieces of advice I received. After that, I no longer gave a damn about the marriage. My healing became “Priority Number One.”

FAST FORWARD EIGHT YEARS

My husband sought the help he recognized he needed and continues to do so. He has been sober for several years and is committed to his recovery regardless of what happens to the marriage, which is how it should be. His journey from addiction to sobriety is his to tell.

I can tell you I started working on my healing process after receiving the disclosure. It has been bumpy and challenging, but I am experiencing the rewards of hard work. 

Please notice I refer to my husband’s work as recovery because he is an addict, but I chose to use “healing” when I write about my process. This is because I had to heal from a massive wound caused by my husband, not a sickness within myself. Therefore, I choose not to use “recovery” when referring to my healing process. The term “recovery” doesn’t adequately describe my process.  

I believe I was ill-equipped to deal with what was going on in the marriage, and my husband’s denial when things occurred kept me in the dark. I had to do work around why I used specific coping mechanisms. I had to learn justifying, rationalizing, minimizing, and denying the effects of my husband’s behavior wasn’t healthy, and it certainly wasn’t me being a “strong woman.” I had to learn to listen to the voice of uncertainty I had ignored for too long. I had to get rid of all the “shoulds” and forgive myself for mistakes. I had to change how I lived my life moving forward, whether my husband was in the picture or not. My journey has been about learning to trust God and my inner voice in all situations of my life. I am still on a journey, but I now have hope for the future. I make a daily decision not to let fear, dread, and despair rule my life, and that’s what I want for every person who reads my blog.

WHY THE HELL AM I STILL HERE

I’ve spent most of this time telling you about my husband’s poor choices, but the truth is he is a good man with a sad addiction, and I didn’t get to that conclusion overnight; it’s taken me years to be able to write these words. The qualities I love most about my husband have always been consistent didn’t waiver when he was in active addiction. However, I am not minimizing his actions; his past actions were deplorable. That’s one of the hard things about coming to terms with sex addiction. You realize the addict isn’t some horrible species coming out of the ground at night. An addict is usually a person with good qualities who nurtures himself in unhealthy ways, leading to harmful consequences for the addict and the people who love him.

I have decided I owe it to myself, my family, and my husband to see and discover who my husband is now that he isn’t living a double life. He works his recovery as a sick man trying to live well, not as a man trying to behave, which has made the real difference.

Our marriage is like a house with a tiny red room no one knew existed except my husband. Then all hell broke loose, exposing the red room. My husband chose to do everything he could to make the room white, making it as close to a brand-new room as possible that can exist in the light. My husband invited me to come into the room to see how different it is.

Today, I chose to explore the room cautiously. With my eyes wide open, I am fully aware of what the room looked like before. I appreciate my husband’s efforts in making this room as new as possible today. 

I can enter at a pace that feels comfortable to me. I enter with my faith in God. I enter with the resources I have gained from working very hard to heal from the trauma caused by marriage to a sex addict.

We both have become clear about what we want in a marriage moving forward, and neither one of us wants to settle. We both know there is no room for active addiction in what could be the new and best chapter of our marriage, beginning with porn or anything else. So, we communicate better, not perfectly. We trust the process and God to reveal what’s next.

My fear of your judgment has kept me from writing this blog for years. Thankfully, I released that fear to finally produce this blog. We all have choices to make, which is a beautiful thing, really, and if you choose to judge my choices, that’s between you and you. I am on God’s timeline, and I am comfortable where I am now, but I realize that could change, and if it does, I will be okay.

#BetrayedNotBroken