I am so grateful I saw a therapist who approached my situation as “healing from betrayal.” I can’t even imagine if I had experienced some of the horror stories, I’ve heard about therapists telling clients they need to have more sex with their spouses. They need to look at themselves to see why he went elsewhere or consider watching porn with their significant others. Blaming the betrayed partner, making the person feel like this is their fault.
I honestly was in shock when I received the disclosure. I knew about some of my husband’s acting out, but I didn’t realize the depth and the longevity of everything. It’s hard to put it into words, but I will try. I felt like someone had just yanked me from the life I knew into a dark, cold cave that was uncomfortable and scary. I didn’t go into the cave with any equipment; I was just yanked into it, therefore, feeling lost and ill-equipped about how to function in this new place. I didn’t know how to get out, and I certainly didn’t see any light.
The American Psychiatric Association defines Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as “a psychiatric disorder that may occur in people who have experienced or witnessed a traumatic event such as a natural disaster, a serious accident, a terrorist act, war/combat, or rape or who have been threated with death, sexual violence or serious injury.”
Although the definition seems a bit dramatic, I can say learning about my husband’s separate life was traumatic for me. Examing my marriage with a fine tooth-comb reflecting on everything I thought made my marriage good was painful. I questioned every trip, date, warm conversation, and times we had sex, asking myself what was real and fake. I asked myself, Who did I marry? How could I be married to a man who lived a double life for so long? I can’t tell you how many times I would sit in shock and think, I can’t believe this is my life, an absolute nightmare.
I experienced common symptoms of PTSD, such as constantly ruminating over the information he shared with me, frequent triggers reminding me of the betrayals, fear, anxiety, insomnia, irrational emotional responses, and depression.
My therapist helped me deal with the symptoms I was dealing with, but more importantly, she validated that what I was feeling and going through was normal because I was experiencing trauma. I learned how to manage my thoughts and emotions. I found myself telling myself this was my new reality, and my task was to heal.
Managing my PTSD symptoms was not easy, and it took some time, but eventually, I became less reactive and fearful. I knew I couldn’t parent my children and juggle all of the symptoms I was experiencing. My children were the motivation to heal “well” so I could be the parent they deserved regardless of what was going on in my marriage.
There were a couple of crucial things my therapist helped me with to manage my symptoms:
- Slow things down. My therapist helped me realize I didn’t have to decide right away what to do about my marriage. I didn’t need to think about the big picture or six months into the future. I just needed to take things day by day.
- Be easy on myself. I realized there would be days where I couldn’t do everything I had on my “to do” list, and if I needed to sit and cry or rest, that was okay. Now wasn’t a time to take on any new projects. I told myself my “healing” was my project.
- Feel the pain. I had to allow myself to feel the pain in a safe environment where I wouldn’t feel judged or feel the need to explain the array of emotions I was experiencing. I felt comfortable doing this in the groups I was attending. I also gave myself time to feel the pain alone when no one was home. Identifying what I was feeling with words was hard for me. I was always good at expressing anger, but this went beyond anger. Writing down my thoughts and feelings, knowing no one would read what I wrote unless I wanted them to, allowed me to express myself safely and honestly.
- Recognize the PTSD symptoms. Everyone experiences PTSD differently, so it was vital for me to know what specific symptoms I was experiencing to manage them effectively. For example, if I felt anxious or fearful, I could recognize those symptoms in myself and sit on my deck, take a walk, journal, or meditate.
- Seek aid for my PTSD symptoms. I always struggled with sleep, but I sought a sleep aid I could take without side effects after receiving my disclosure. I also started seeing a massage therapist regularly to manage the tension in my neck and shoulders the stress was causing. I began practicing meditations focused on anxiety, fear, stress management, and trauma recovery. I hadn’t routinely meditated before receiving the disclosure.
- Do not force an outcome. I had always motivated myself by pushing myself sometimes harshly, but this wasn’t the time to do that. For the first time in years, I spent many days just being in the moment without pushing for a particular outcome which was difficult because I don’t like not having a plan or instructions to follow. However, I had to learn to take each day as it was. Some days were good, and some days sucked.
- My husband can’t do it for me. It was a tough pill to swallow, realizing that although my husband’s actions caused my pain, there wasn’t much he could do to heal my trauma. He couldn’t kiss my cheeks or dry my tears and tell me everything would be okay, and he would transform overnight. He was dealing with his shame and pain from his addiction, and he wasn’t in a place to help me.
I kept thinking about what I believed God told me, which was to “heal.” I began to realize I couldn’t make any important decisions while I was experiencing PTSD symptoms. So I made it my goal to heal before making any significant decisions.
I had to stop letting my husband’s past actions consume my mind to heal from the PTSD symptoms. I didn’t bury the information my husband gave me, but I had to figure out how to deal with the pain of his past betrayals and heal from the PTSD symptoms simultaneously. One minute I could be in horror, thinking about everything my husband did; I would try to relax and breathe the next minute. It was a constant back and forth between triggers, anger, depression and naps, prayer, and meditation.
I see myself as a woman who has experienced trauma caused by someone else’s addiction. I was the only person who could take the necessary action to heal from the trauma. Therefore, I rarely refer to my experience as “recovery.” Instead, I refer to what I have been through as “healing from the trauma of another person’s betrayal caused by addiction.” There was living each day with a massive wound gushing blood, and I needed to do everything I could to stop the bleeding so the wound could heal completely.
If my therapist had approached me from the Codependency model right from the start, I wouldn’t have given the PTSD symptoms I was experiencing any attention, which would have been detrimental to my emotional and mental health.
There came a time to examine the issue of codependency, but it wasn’t at the very beginning, which is how I believe it should be.
#BetrayedNotBroken