I focus on one aspect of the betrayal trauma healing process I find unenjoyable or unfair. I do this because I rarely hear partners discuss these issues, but I know most of them have dealt with them. Some of these issues are too important to ignore, which is why I address them in my blog. This month, I want to highlight partners who carry the burden of the sex addict’s shameful behavior. Many partners don’t even know they are doing it, and it’s hard to watch. Although sadly, I did this for a while; believe me, it shouldn’t be this way.
You might wonder what I mean when I say “carrying the addict’s shame”? Before diving into that, let’s look at what shame is. Shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Years ago, a friend explained guilt is what you feel about a mistake you regret, and shame is defining yourself based on that mistake. It’s the difference between “Gosh, I made a mistake” and “I am a mistake.” Sex addicts struggle with this, yet, the inability to walk through the shame can keep addicts in the addiction cycle.
When partners take on the shame of the sex addict’s behavior, they can find themselves wrestling with the following:
- Does he/she find binging on porn more satisfying than being with me?
- Does he/she think I am stupid?
- Why would he/she think it’s okay to betray me this way?
- Is our sex life that unsatisfying he/she would pay for it?
- I can’t believe he/she connected emotionally with that person instead of me. Why didn’t he/she try harder to communicate with me?
- Am I stupid?
- Am I too trusting?
- I can’t believe he/she risked going to jail to “act out.”
- I can’t believe he/she risked his/her job to “act out.”
- I can’t believe this has gone on this long, and I had no idea.
- Did he/she think he/she could live this double life forever?
- Why would he/she betray me like this?
- Why would he/she betray me again?
- Will I ever be able to trust him/her again?
- Will I ever be able to trust myself again?
- Did he/she ever love me?
- How could he/she spend our money on this stuff?
- Why would he/she choose to spend his/her time watching that type of porn? I had no idea he/she was into that.
- Is my partner bi-sexual, and if so, how could I not have known?
- Wasn’t I enough?
These thoughts are normal reactions after discovering your partner is a sex addict. Still, if you internalize these thoughts, they can damage your mental, spiritual and emotional health as well as your self-esteem, delaying your healing process.
When I started attending groups, I always felt like I had a stamp on my head saying, “My husband acted out worse than yours” I felt like I was the most pathetic person in the room because of my husband’s behavior. It wasn’t until my husband and I went to a couples meeting where my husband told me he wasn’t the only one in that meeting that acted out in the same manner I thought, Wait, these women go to the same meetings as me. They haven’t shared how their partners acted out, yet they know how my husband behaved. If they knew their husbands acted out like mine, why didn’t they say anything? Maybe their husbands haven’t told them the complete truth? Perhaps I am not the worst one in the meetings. I didn’t know if I was the worse one in the meetings or not because I didn’t know the acting-out behaviors of each addict, nor did I have a right to know. Frankly, it didn’t even matter.
Not all the partners shared the type of “acting out” behaviors of their sex addicts. I shared some details regarding my husband’s “acting out” behaviors, which was my choice, not obligating anyone else to share their information. We focused on our healing in meetings, not the acting-out behavior of the addicts. As a woman told me years ago, “Pain is pain, and we are here to heal.” I wasn’t going to assume responsibility for my husband’s poor choices – they were shameful and his to carry. I based the “I am the worse one” feeling on my husband’s poor choices, not my character defects. To be a healthy participant in the support groups and experience all the benefits they offered, I had to stop comparing myself to others based on my husband’s behavior.
However, it isn’t easy to resist the urge to pick up the shame of your partner’s behavior. After all, our society reinforces the belief that men/women who cheat, watch porn, or do anything outside the relationship are unsatisfied with what’s at home. Most partners of sex addicts don’t share their addict’s betrayals with people they know out of the fear of judgment, not to mention the embarrassment. If partners share this information with others, they usually regret it later, especially if they stay in the relationship. As much as our friends and family may love and want to comfort us, efforts to support us may not be helpful if they don’t fully understand sex addiction.
I remember years ago, before I knew my husband was an addict, I was having lunch with a friend at a restaurant. She explained how the management changed due to a divorce. According to her, the owner gave the restaurant to his ex-wife as part of the divorce settlement. Unfortunately, the owner was having an affair with the restaurant hostess, which led to the divorce. I remember her commenting on how “dowdy” the wife dressed. She said, “No wonder he left her for the hostess.”
Another time after I received the disclosure, a friend of mine was in town; I tried vaguely explaining what was happening in my marriage. She said, “If it’s just porn, maybe you are making a big deal out of nothing. Besides, you might be a little too uptight regarding sex.” Although my friend didn’t know the whole story of what I was dealing with, it’s comments like this that inadvertently blame the partner of the sex addict, which is unfair. You already feel awful; the last thing you need is blame for the addict’s behavior. So it’s no surprise that many people who attend support groups say group members are the only people they can share their healing journey with without the concern of being judged.
Even when I believed my husband had a porn habit, it took me several years to share that with anyone. My husband’s continued his porn habit after the first affair, even with me cussing him and telling him how disappointed I was and how it made me feel. I couldn’t see that these were indicators of a real problem. I just saw his behavior as an annoyance. Eventually, I didn’t care anymore, which made it easier to share this information with two close friends and my mother; I believed they wouldn’t judge me.
Please do not let your addict’s behavior keep you from seeking the healing you need. If carrying the addict’s shame keeps you from pursuing resources that can help you, such as a therapist, attending a support group, reading helpful material, attending a workshop, or sharing with a faith leader, please release your partner’s shame. Blaming yourself for your addict’s choices is a waste of your energy, and it’s not productive. In my opinion, when you allow the actions of the sex addict to keep you from getting the help you need, you are giving away your power.
My husband told me a million times his choices had nothing to do with me. He owned his illness and didn’t put any blame on me for his behavior. Yet, I struggled to believe that until I gained a better understanding of sex addiction, I realized I could have had the body and the face of a sex goddess, had sex with my husband every day in crazy positions, and it wouldn’t have made a difference. I had nothing to do with my husband’s poor choices. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it, is a slogan used in S-ANON, but I would add, “Therefore, I won’t carry it” then this slogan would be saying it all.
Co-dependency can play a role in carrying the shame of the sex addict as well. Co-dependents “over-function” at their own expense, and part of that “over-functioning” can play a role in the partner thinking he/she can control the addict. If the partner of the sex addict believes he/she can change the sex addict’s behavior, the co-dependent partner also assumes responsibility for the sex addict’s choices. The co-dependent partner may think, I must have done something wrong for my partner to behave this way. NEWSFLASH: No partner of a sex addict is that powerful. We don’t have the power to control the addiction, so why carry the shame of the addict’s behavior?
Your partner’s poor choices don’t define who you are. Let me repeat it because if you can only remember one thing from the blog entry, please let it be this, “The choices of the sex addict do not define you, his/her choices don’t say anything about who you are.” I have seen beautiful, intelligent women with great bodies and kind hearts share the pain they’ve experienced by being in a relationship with a sex addict. Yet, none of their assets prevented them from being betrayed by sex addicts.
If you want to heal well on your journey, please don’t let the nature of your significant other’s poor choices keep you from pursuing whatever you need to heal. Your partner made poor choices to nurture himself/herself that hurt you, but the behavior wasn’t about you- however, your healing process is. You can’t carry the sex addict’s shame and simultaneously do the work for your healing.
I want to affirm you right now if you are struggling with this issue:
- You aren’t stupid because you didn’t know what was going on.
- You aren’t stupid because you believed him/her the first time.
- You aren’t stupid for accepting his/her lies.
- Being “sexy enough” has nothing to do with it.
- Being adventurous in the bedroom has nothing to do with it.
- Your decreased libido has nothing to do with it.
- You gaining a few pounds has nothing to do with it.
- You not initiating sex enough has nothing to do with it.
- Your age has nothing to do with it.
- Your health status has nothing to do with it.
- Fatigue related to your obligations such as your job, your children, and taking care of your parents or the household has nothing to do with it.
- Your disinterest in viewing porn or other “acting out” behaviors with him/her has nothing to do with it.
If you struggle with low self-esteem or your partner’s poor choices depress you (which is understandable), please work on the root of the problem. You can better serve yourself by showing compassion for what you have been through and what it will take to surge ahead. Pursuing the healing you deserve can be challenging without adding the weight of your significant other’s behavior. So, release the shame of your partner’s behavior and move forward with your healing!
If you need some reinforcement with this, consider practicing the mantras below:
I am loveable.
I have value.
I can pursue the healing I need and deserve.
I can replace negative self-talk based on the addict’s behavior with self-compassion.
I love myself enough to pursue healing from the pain caused by his/her actions because
I am worth the effort it takes to heal from betrayal trauma; no one can do it for me.
#BetrayedNotBroken